primal screaming

it seems like melancholy is making its rounds.

well, at least in the blogs i read. of all the blogs i check on a daily basis, half of them had latest posts that involved moody brooding. which is a coincedence, since i was feeling particularly shitty myself for no apparent reason yesterday.

today i am feeling a lot more cheerful, and i suspect i may be high on the fumes of the aerosol you use to spray your car tyres with to make it look glossy. the scent awfully stings your nose. i sprayed the dashboard and the steering wheel of the car with it too(the instructions on the can said i could!), and the whole car ended up smelling like it(cough cough cough). i tried to counter spray the scent with the cinnamon apple spray i found in the bakul where all the car stuff is kept, but that turned out to be for carpets. so, if you happen to catch a ride in my car anytime soon and feel faint because of a particular chemical-ish smell, put your head between your legs and sniff the carpets. they smell like apple cinnamon.

i've come to a conclusion. feeling down leads to some more feeling down. thing is, whenever i feel down, i bash myself up for it because moreoften than not, i don't exactly have a valid enough reason to feel down in the first place. so i end up feeling guilty for being such a self-centred wreck, a person who can't look at the big picture and just focuses on what's lacking in her life. another thing is, i know perfectly well that we should turn to God, and whatever harship we face in life is just a test. I mean, Allah doens't place burdens on us that are more than what we can cope with, right? but despite that, i keep getting pissed and fed-up with myself and my surroundings, that when i jolt back up and remember God, i get this crushing feeling, thinking maybe i'm not alim enough, maybe that's why i'm like this.

i've had a lot of questions when it comes to religion. i'm sure EVERYONE has. i don't think i've had the outlet to come out and ask frankly about the doubts that i have, even now. you see, all this while i've been so afraid to just ask someone and confess that i wonder about these things, because i used to think i live in a society where people look down on you if you seem to have doubts. i used to, and still do bash myself up for having doubts, pushing it away from my mind, trying to repent and apologizing to God for thinking such things.

well, fuck all that. here's what i think: God gave me a brain. if He didn't want me to think and just accept blindly whatever is thrusted towards me, i wouldn't have one in the first place. yes, i DO wonder whether me not wearing a tudung is truthfully based on the opinion that a hijab does not determine my iman or is it i actually the syeitan's ideas trying to pass itself off as logic. i worry that i'm being hyprocritical sometimes and portraying myself as a more pious person than i actually am. i have wondered how do we know our religion is the right one when everyone else also thinks their religion is right?

and if you're reading this and you're starting to think bad thoughts about me, well i would say something rude to you, because it's people like you who make me feel like i have to shut up about this and make me feel guilty for having even thought of it. it's not wrong, so stop being so freaking judgemental!

****************************************************

several moments and a lunchtime later:

righty-o, now that i've gotten my rant at an imaginary antagonist out of the way (plus, i've just had lunch), i'm feeling a whole lot better. my therapist(if i had one) would be proud of me.

all pent up frustration and primal screaming aside, here's the deal:i have my questions. i think at some point, all of us do. i wish there were people who would read this and identify with what i'm feeling and justify my frustration at not really being able to talk about it. either way, when i'm feeling in over my head, i just ask myself again: Do i belive in Allah? Yes, i do. Do i want to be a better muslim? yes, i do. and, let me just pass on the advice my mom gave me: like it or not, God is always there for you to talk to Him, and you can talk to Him about anything.

i just remember that, and it makes things better.

as a sidenote, if you're wondering why the post started off so cheerful and ended up on a primal screaming note(more like, primal ranting, since you can't actually hear me), i actually started yesterday after i washed my car and was still high on the spray fumes. the post was neglected for a while until i woke up this morning feeling a trite frustrated, i suppose. however, lunch always appeases the stomach as well as the soul and therefore i'm just dandy now. i know, it's scary how female mood-swings can bounce all over the place. don't worry, i'm not like this in person. it's only my blog that's crazy.

Delays come in many forms...

And the cutest one is when your pet bunny is under the car and won't come out.

i bought my kain baju raye already! just a friendly reminder that ramadhan will soon be upon us, and the merry aidilfitri that follows. it seems like thai silk and this other sorta see-through type material(chiffon?) is all the rage this year. i followed my mom to jalan TAR on tuesday to go kain hunting. You have your not so expensive kain stalls, with prices ranging between RM20 to a hundred over for four metres of kain, and on the other hand you have the super duper premier kain shops, selling God knows what type of silks at RM200 A METRE. ni kain nak pakai gi mane?pertabalan raja?

you know, concerning the Altantuya case, i'm not really in a place to comment ke ape, but i was just wondering, does Razak Baginda's family believe he's really innocent, or do they accept that he's done wrong but are looking past that and still love him anyway? i mean, their show of support is tremendous, with the whole t-shirt thing, and showing up in court 100%, talking to and hugging him whenever possible. it just makes you wonder, what would you do if your husband supposedly had an affair with someone and later conspired to have her murdered? it's unimaginable.

Did you know that every member of Queen wrote songs for the band?and that they're the only group in which every member composed more than one chart-topping single. that's aweseome.

Cleo(our cat) craves attention(when she's not being a complete tabby and ignoring us the way high and mighty cats do). she'll miaow and miaow and miaow until we lead her to her food and stand next to her while she eats it. and theo?(our rabbit). aisy, i feel so guilty when it comes to theo. mase mule2 dapat die i was so semangat clean out the cage every evening, get his food ready, chop up carrots or find some kangkung for him to nibble on, and usher him into the cage bile dah petang. but when exam season came along i was knackered by the time i got home that i didn't do all that, i left it to kak nikki, our maid. so now she takes cares of him and calls him Molly no matter how many times we tell her he's a boy, and we named him Theo. so whenever i see theo and pet him i feel guilty. i bet this is how a working parent feels like when they have to go to work and leave the upbringing of the child to the maid. kesian die. tak pasal2 he's perceived as the opposite sex. no matter. he seems happy enough.

i hate it when people take phrases like 'i miss you' for granted. they just toss about those words, even though you know that they have most likely NOT been missing you nor really thinking about you anyway. i know i shouldn't be a big grouch over this and just appreciate the sentiment of the words, but what's pretty words when it's insincere? don't say you miss me if you don't.

i went on the G-Force again. the guy at the kiosk suggested i may be addicted to it, which could be true, i guess. adrenaline rush.

my prayers to have daim cake were answered, shared a slice with mom today. ikea is really nice and all, but it's so commercial. you have to think twice before buying the blue mugs or the wooden frames from there because everyone already has them. but still. i have to concede that their showrooms make a nice grownup play area.

i'm going to have to start pulling myself together for the new semester. Ya Allah, please give me strength.


she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly,
Off the coast and i'm heading nowhere,
she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly.

i'm wearing a headband. one step at a time towards a beanie

dvd box sets. they're a pain, i tell you.

I went to Summit the other day for dinner, and my dad so kindly consented to my request to buy Grey's Anatomy Season 3 dvds. Aijud, now i can be up to speed with you,heh. i can cam the quotes you took from it! Because of the dvds and my obsession with Meredith Grey and the gang, i've been up two nights without sleeping. stupid dvds. addictive stuff.

today is an ugly day, because of the dvds. lack of sleep has me looking like a creature suffering from a hangover from hell(theoretically speaking, mind you). You know how there are some days where no matter how you comb your hair, or try to make yourself look presentable, you just end up looking like crap?yeah. it's an ugly day.

this is going to be long.

yesterday me and my cousin went to watch cheer 2007!i've always wanted to go see it. blame it on 'Bring it on'. so, i finally got the chance to see malaysian cheerleaders. that's one wish down. another similar wish is to go see the lion dance championships at Genting. but i'll save that for another time.

cheer was interesting. i'd definitely go again next year. the energy is amazing! as in, a huge crowd of girls and some guys screaming like crazy. the cheerleaders themselves was one thing, but their supporters were another. wild.

plus, after the thing was over, when me and Syefik were walking back to the car, we bought roti ais krim. 4 scoops of ice-cream in a hotdog bun, eaten while strolling through Bukit Jalil stadium. that in itself was enjoyable.

i had a very weird dream. i dreamnt i was pergnant. and while that may be inappropriate to blurt out to the world, here's the thing. i didn't get pregnant in a normal way, it was in vitro fertilization. funny, that.

Semashur moment. when i was school, i learnt that it's not fundamental to have a pot and a stove to make maggi. hot water, leave the maggi to stew a couple of minutes in a tupperware with the lid on, and voila. ever since i've finished school i've still been cooking my maggi that way. ntah, malas nak keluarkan a pot and wait until the water boils. but now i've re-learnt my lesson. no maggi can ever beat maggi cooked in a pot, with an egg cracked in, hands down.

i once heard rumors that the boys went and cooked lots and lotsa maggi in a baldi once, then ate it. is this for real? if it is, that's GROSS.

here's something i can hum 'it's a small world after all' to. the other day, i checked aijud's blog for any updates, then i clicked on the links on his blog(blog-surfing, my favourite mindless activity). which subsequently lead to clicking on the link of that person's blog, and bla bla, you get the picture. anyway, i came across the blog of this guy, and i was reading his latest post, when i saw my dad's name. i read the post again, it turns out he had bought my dad's old iMac from low yatt. i was extremely tickled, more so because he was more or less gently reprimanding Mr.Mokhtar Daud for not taking better care of the iMac, hee. Mr.Amerhadiazmi, if you ever see this, thanx for an interesting read. you don't have to refer to the iMac as Mr.Mokhtar Daud's iMac anymore, because it's yours :) and just for the record, my dad is neither the filmmaker or photographer. he's the dude from ExxonMobil, public affairs manager. go figure.

i really hope mom decides to buy goreng pisang for tea today. PLEASE.

i like doing personality tests. i think everyone does, actually. we all just love to read about and analyse ourselves. my favourite test so far is this one, the reason being that it's short, (just choose a picture) and is surprisingly quite accurate. not bad.

You know, if i had to be completely honest, i'd say i still feel disappointed
whenever i see any of my friends fly off to study elsewhere, or hear them talking about their plans of flying off elsewhere. i still feel angry when i have to explain to someone that i didn't get a scholarship and watch as they try to find a face to cover the awkward moment. when that happens, i get a little frantic inside and want to explain to them in a rush 'look, it's not that i didn't get it because i'm dumb and didn't get good results ke ape, it was just my rezeki'. but i don't say it, and just carry on and tell them what i'm studying and where. yeah, well. still got kinks to work out in this whole acceptance(otherwise known as ungratefulness) business. i'm getting there.

i want to go to tioman and go snorkeling. gemia island will do too. i want to hug koala bears. i want to browse through the record store. i want to go to ikea and eat the daim cake at their foodcourt. the soundtrack for Elizabethtown(the original scores by Nancy Wilson, not the songs by various artistes) is beautiful.

my cousin Syefik got a perfect 4.0 GPA for his exam. i'm so freaking proud of him, it's scary. feeling sort of maternal. however, i am also freaking jealous, it's scary too. feeling sort of homicidal.

3 movies, 3 favourite soundtrack scores.
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-Theme by Jon Brion

2. Elizabethtown-60B(theme) by Nancy Wilson

3. Little Miss Sunshine-The Winner is by Mychael Danna and DeVotchka


we also got the second season for My Name is Earl. cam tak tido je minggu ni.

wistful

ever since i got back from having tea with mom and jijim at an oldtown kopitiam outlet tadi, i've been feeling ridiculously cheerful. Giddy, in fact. must be the side-effect of their ice-blended white coffee. caffeine buzz.

i think it's official. I've joined the ranks of the Arctic Monkeys' legion of fans. You know, to be honest, when they first came out and there was all that hoo-haa about them and their album, i didn't really get it. I listened to 'I bet that You Look Good on the Dancefloor', and it was alright, but i didn't think it was THAT fantastic.

I repent!i repent! This album, 'Favourite Worst Nightmare', is just fantastic. Yes, i was miffed that they didn't provide the lyrics and instead had an album cover made up of pages of 'art'(more like blank coloured pictures), but the cd itself makes up for it. i can't stop playing it. In fact, i'm starting to think i should get the first album too.

i can't though. i'm broke. well, not completely flat-out broke, but i've been to the ATM so many times this month, i'm feeling way over my head. half the papers in my wallet are receipts, rather than proper money notes.

chop, going off on a tangent there. where was i? the album. Once again, i can't measure them in technical terms, since i'm not a musician myself. I once read a comment where some guy criticised them, saying they were amateurs and didn't have any real skills, which may be true, i don't know, they didn't exactly have any jaw-dropping guitar solos throughout any of the songs, but still. The riffs!the beats! the lyrics!ntah, for some reason i just dig all of it. and yes, i guess i can understand why some people may complain that their songs may sound repetitive in terms of style, but for me it didn't seem boring or worn out. while the style IS generally the same, the songs (for me) was distinctly different enough from one another for each to have its own uniqueness.

Out of 12 songs in the album, 7 are absolute favourites, listen-on-repeat songs. the other 5 are also good, the kind you grow to like the more you hear them, that in the end you just have the whole album on repeat. I highly recommend anyone who trusts my taste in music to listen to the album. And, i underestimated Alex Turner's vocals all this while. Especially on the song '505', his voice just really caught hold of my attention, bile dengar lagu to baru i became aware of his range and the unique quality of his voice. yeah, well. this is just my opinion.

At least try looking up these songs,ok? ntah knape aku nak promote sangat lagu dieorang ni pon tak tahu, but i guess i just want to share what i think is a good thing. 'Teddy Picker', 'D is for Dangerous', 'Only ones Who Know', '505', 'This House is A Circus'. Another thing i noticed about the album is that in most of the songs, Alex Turner's voice is altered to sound like it's sung through a speakerphone. Karen O's voice from the yeah yeah yeahs was altered the same way on their album 'Fever to Tell'. While it distracted and irritated me to some extent on 'Fever to tell', it didn't bother me at all on 'Favourite Worst Nightmare'. Another reason why i like this cd so much.

must. stop. gushing.

hey, i know this is irrelevant, but i finally decided to organize my songs and make playlists. i used to be of the sumbat-je-semue-lagu-and-listen-on-shuffle species. but that didn't work out, because moreoften than not, i'd want to hear a certain genre or tone of songs, depending on my mood, and i didn't have psychic powers to control the order of songs the shuffle control belted out. but now, my problems are solved! i have my 'giddy' playlist, my 'wistful' playlist, my 'feeling down' playlist, and a few others. this may sound insignificant, but it does give a sense of accomplishment. it's the small pleasures that count, yeah?

i thought this was interesting. Don't know if you've heard about it(i didn't before this), but i read in the papers today about Paul Potts, who apprently won the hearts of the British public. He's your average mobile phone salesman, who tried out for Britain's Got Talent, a brainchild of Simon Cowell's. Anyways, watch the video, which shows his tryout for the competition. He went on to win. your basic fairy-tale story of success, quite touching, as far as reality talent shows go.


i wish i could try wearing a beanie. but there really is no point. nak pakai gi mane? genting highlands?

smile and wave,boys,smile and wave.

i'm definitely getting hooked on the artic monkeys. but, if i ever become a singer(which i know i never will,but regardless of that), i'll make sure every cd i release includes lyrics in the cd cover. Because the highlights of getting a new cd include listening to it for the first time in your car on the drive home, listening to it for the 2nd time as you upload it to your itunes, and lying back on your bed before you go to sleep, listening to the album again while scrutinizing the album cover, checking out who wrote what song as well as singing along to the song BASED ON THE LYRICS PROVIDED IN THE COVER. grr.

oh,oh, check this out, i went to sunway lagoon theme park today with some college friends(luisadamamanweileongshaoatrashparthken) and went on the G-Force!(is that the correct name?yeah.whatever). for those who don't know, the G-force is that thing where you sit in this half-sphere contraption, with elastic ropes attached to these two poles, and what they do is launch you up, i mean literally shooting you into the air. sort of like the slingshot/lastik concept. i knew there was one at kl tower, but i had no idea they'd installed it at sunway. it was just an opportunity too good to be missed. haha, yeah man. it's wild. but honestly, it's nowhere near as scary as the solero shot at genting.

shao, we rocked la. we're G-Force veterans :D none of the guys would try it out, which is too bad, but it DOES make us look ten times more macho,haha. thanx for the invite, you snatched me away from the clutches of boredom. and you're right, the artic monkeys cd WAS a good buy.

i realise i am often too harsh when describing SEMASHUR and the years i spent there to other people. everyone's going to start thinking it's hell on earth ke ape, based on my description. so, let's set the record straight.

1.semashur has a pretty campus, surrounded by beautiful scenery, really a perfect tranquil place to provide a conducive environment for studying(this sounds very promo-ad-like, but it's true). plus, semashur provided the environment, the teachers, and the conditions that allowed me to get straight As.
2. while i studied there, during the early years there were a lot of utility problems, like water and electrical problems, which really tainted my perception of the school, but back then the school was still practically brand new, so as the years passed by, the kinks were worked out.
3. while i stand firm by my comments about the mentality and the atmosphere of the school, which i think more or less affected my self-esteem and confidence, that doesn't mean that it was a place that totally brainwashed me and made me into a hooligan ke ape. semashur taught me plenty of stuff, spiritually, socially.
4. sometimes, i wonder maybe if it would have been better studying elsewhere and not devoting 5 years to that school. but then i wouldn't have gone through some amazing experiences, like the debate seasons, and hari sukan frenzies, and meeting great friends and some great teachers.
5. pendek kate, i say a lot of times that i don't like the time i spent at semashur. but usually that perception is tainted by all the bad experiences i've had there, that it blocks out my memories of all the GOOD experiences, and therefore that perception is unfair. i mean, if it was THAT bad, i wouldn't have stuck it out for all those years. right? the good things made me stay on. so...yeah. i may say that i dislike the way semashur has had a negative impact on me, but that doesn't mean there wasn't any good effects. there were plenty, and i highly appreciate them.

this may sound weird, but yesterday i watched 'Never Been Kissed' again on astro, and for some reason Drew Barrymore's character Josie was so irritating that i wanted to slap her. yeah. it's hormones. i don't usually resort to physcial violence, hah. The movie just seemed so awful(much more awful than the last time i watched it). 'Ever After' and '50 First Dates' are better, as far as romantic comedies go.

bungee jumping. now there's a thought.

it's been a while since i've done the list of random stuff.

1. my dad went on a business trip recently, so i had asked him to look out for some cds. out of the 6 i asked for, he only found one. but, fret me not, it was regina spektor's 'begin to hope'. she rocks. i'm happy.

2. whenever i bath my cat, which i do in the bathroom, i end up washing the whole bathroom as well, since cleo will freak out. not hysterically, but she'll miaow super loud, and pace around the whole bathroom while i attempt to follow her around with a gayung full of water, trying to pour it over her. today, as i bathed her, she jumped from the floor onto the sink countertop, knocking over a plant vase in the process.

3. my dream is to have an entire wall full off cds. oklah, too ambitious. a shelf-ful, then.

4. i'd like to think that someone's blog gives a clue to who they are, and how their personality is. but maybe that's just bullshit.

5. we're going to have our very own hyde/central park!(if you don't know what i'm talking about, you didn't read the papers today). i cordially invite you to come have a picnic with me once it's finished. someday.

6. seeing that i have about 2 more weeks left of holiday, i bet myself i'll be blogging practically everyday, because of nothing else to do. i plan to bath theo, our rabbit, and wash my car, but after that there's nothing else to wash. i'll have nothing to do. i'll rot with boredom.

7. this may sound superbly jiwang and uncalled for, but i once had this dream i was floating on a pelampung or something, and there were many other people floating too, but i was starting to float off away from them, further and further. i had my eyes closed. then i started when i heard someone, someone i knew, calling to me rather sharply, telling me not to float too far off. my initial reaction was irriation, annoyed that he was ordering me around. but a split second later i realized he wasn't trying to be bossy ke ape, he was trying to keep me safe, because he loved me. that realization was with such CONVICTION, and it was so vivid, i woke up thinking 'oh. THAT'S what love is about'. yeah,well. jiwang karat moment of the day. don't puke on me.

dah. too much jiwang karat sampai dah lupe other stuff to ramble about.

no tomorrow

prom. fuh.

i thought it would be too predictable to talk about graduation night, but i might as well jot down some significant stuff about it here as a momento.

Prep for graduation night started off with me feeling happy and touched that my mom doted on me, helping me out. my mom really went all out, taking me on a dress-hunt, trip to the hair-dressers, doing my make-up.

i've never been to a proper social event among peers, (well, the f3 and f5 dinners might count, but efforts and enthusiasm and returns for those were mostly half-hearted), so this was quite an event. i mean, this time a lot of thinking and vain pondering actually went into getting dressed for it. ha-ha. wore a dress for the first time in a looooong time. the thing that really tickled me was the fact that my dress has the type of skirt that twirls around nicely when you spin. couldn't stop twirling around when i tried it on.

ooh, but before that, i went to the hairdressers. thoughts that ran through my mind while sitting in the salon chair:
woh,sedapnye rase the shampoo on the scalp, it's cold.how convenient that they don't need to wet our hair first, just lather on the scalp terus. ow,ow,OW!this lady tak potong kuku ke, SAKITNYE!SHE'S SCARRING MY SCALP!this is just like that part in 'Memoirs of A Geisha', when she goes to the haridressers to get the apprentice hairstyle for the first time. how did she put it? 'it felt like he was using a hoe on my scalp', or something like that. must blog about this. warn people to beware of this shampoo-in-salon-thingie. since when ah hair-stylists decided to massage their clients skali when shampooing their hair?sedapnye massage around the temples. haha,haha, geli,GELI! stop trying to massage me around my shoulders and neck, it bloody tickles!

and yeah, it went like that for a while as she rinsed out my hair, but then got it all settled. for some reason, i don't know if it was the shampoo or the effect of the straightening iron or both, but my hair(even now), smells to me a bit like maple syrup on pancakes.

The night itself kicked off with me coo-ing over everyone else and how fab they looked. seriously, it was like hotness prevailed and everyone just looked hot and dashing and whatever other flattering comments. every few seconds i'd go like 'ah!lawanye!', and 'woh,smart gile wei',and the likes.

there was dancing after the official ceremony was over. dancing. wow. i am not ashamed to admit that i was completely jakun about this because there was no dancing in semashur(God forbid), and i am not a clubber/raver, so it kind of awed me to think that i oould dance in public, and not in my room with the door locked.

so did i dance?hell yeah. after the initial awkward jiggling around trying not to be self-concious, Bo Eui managed to entice my inner wade-robson-wannabe, and we started grooving along.

*disclaimer:if anyone from college who reads this happened to notice me on stage or on the floor prancing about attempting to dance(but probably failing), you now understand why i did it so badly. i'm a dance novice. an ulu yam one at that).

seeing the crowd of a-level people dancing(there was a dj, and the lights were red/yellow/blinking floodlights) gave me a general idea of what it must be like in a club or at a rave. and, trying it out for myself, it's easy to see why people enjoy it. and it's also easy to see how people can just so easily forget about everything else, or lupe diri, or whatever. it's intoxicating, actually. when there's a good beat on, it just brings out this energy and you can't help but sway along and be part of it. and, dancing to a good beat surrounded by your friends is just plain fun.

no, i won't start going on dancing rampages anywhere, so actually having the experience to do it for the first and probably last time was great. great. part of me thinks, 'oh God, i actually bloody DANCED, what's happening to me?', but i now realize that it's just dancing. with friends, and with no intention except to celebrate the finish of AS and the company of a-level people. i had fun. I HAD FUN!it feels so good to say that.

note to self:just forget the flash when taking pictures.

kudos to the freaks and chicks for great band performance. you guys rocked. in fact, practially all performances were satisfactory, for me at least.

one of my favourite pics with my favourite lovely amies:


pendek kate, it was fun. i wouldn't have had it any other way.

Ball of Fire

I was moderately pissed off yesterday.

I asked out a bunch of friends i haven't seen in a long time to meet up. Everyone gave a satisfactory response, save for one.

Me:So jadi plan, right? we'll meet up there at that time.
Grr:um..kat situ lagi?isn't there any other place to go?hehe. who else is going?
Me:well, i thought it'd be easiest to go there. if we go anywhere else then there might be transport problems or whatnot.
Grr:um...ok, i guess. what are we going to do there?
Me:look, if you're malas to go there and would rather be somewhere else, no problem. if you want to do anything special, why don't you discuss with the others. i'm cool with anything.
Grr:oh..it's ok, no matter how boring it is, it's been a while since we've met. so, it's no big deal.

for God's sake. that person really had no idea how hurtful their remarks were. well, maybe you don't find it hurtful either and can't see the point of this rant, but I'M pissed. it's as if they were reluctant to meet us in the first place, like they had to check out where we're going and who's coming along in order to ascertain a valid purpose of actually joining, and then they have the nerve to sound like THEY'RE being the gracious one, coming to see us even though they're bored and would rather go somewhere else.

That hurts. friends aren't supposed to make you feel that way, are they? i wanted to scream 'you're supposed to be excited that we get to meet up with each other again after ages, not worry about where we're going!!'. it's about the company, not which hip and happening hangout place we're meeting at.

and no, it's no one you know, so please don't start assuming names or whatever. i'm writing this down here to say that if i have EVER done this to anyone, if i have ever sounded this demeaning or as if i didn't really value your company and took an invitation for an outing with you for granted, then i am terribly sorry, and i will try my damndest not to do anything like that ever again.

ok. be off, negative vibes.

oh,i made up a new msn account. SEMASHUR people use yahoo messenger, college people use MSN. hmm. so anyway, i did already have an msn account, but it was an old one using this old email address i had, which is super embarassing. i can't imagine what i was thinking of when i made it:

phayze_1@angelfire.com.(prounounced phase one). Sheesh. sounds a tad emo, if u ask me. oh, but that's not the worst. i used to have an email something like cute_crazy_cuddly@hotmail.com. The horror!i believe those were the days when i still thought Backstreet Boys were fantastic/awesome, and Nick Carter was the cutest one of them all. *shudder*

So anyways, my new hotmail is atiqahm*khtar@hotmail.com. if anyone who reads this has messenger, please add me up,yah? may the bonds of communication between us strengthen and the folds of our friendship flourish. um,yeah. and all that jazz.

oh yes, i knew i forgot to add something in. MY EXAMS ARE OVER!! whoop-dee-doo. i can't do much now except pray i didn't do any careless mistakes and pray i get straight As.

You know, i was thinking the other day. it's quite amazing how typed laughter has evolved. You have your regular 'haha','hehe,'hihi','hoho'. then you have stuff like 'wakakaka, 'bwahaha' and 'muahaha'. For some reason, there are people that type stuff like 'keskeskes' and 'kokokoko' to indicate laughter, though i can't see why, because it sounds nothing like a laugh. and then of course, someone came up with the idea of...i can't remember that word that means the use of the first letter of each word.... (abbreviation?anagram?no. aneurism?). well, whatever, but it's for stuff like 'lol', and 'lmao', and 'rofl'. How come there's no malay one? like, 'gkk' for 'gelak kuat-kuat' or something.

i can't believe i've yet to rave about The Noisettes on my blog. i bought their cd a couple months back, awesome. definitely one of my favourites. the thing is, their music at times can be a bit over-whelming, but it's the kind you grow to like. pendek kate, this record is the kind that pushes the boundaries of your music interests. and that's gooooood. their first single, 'Don't Give Up' is great. Lyrics are brilliant, plus, THIS is my idea of a proper motivational song. none of that Mariah Carey's 'I Can Make it Through the Rain' or any other chicken-soupish song.



Don't be alarmed by the lead singer's dressing, or by their quirkiness. That's part of what makes them fascinating.

rock bottom

Magazines have always been a source of guilt for me.

The first magazine i ever forked out money for was an issue of Malaysian Seventeen,i think, somewhere in form 2. I'd usually buy it once in a while, if i happened to go out with friends during pulang bermalam from school. Then, it moved on to Cleo(honestly, i think Seventeen, despite it's name, actually caters to tweens and young teenagers. By the time you're seventeen you'd have move on to Cleo). So yeah, i bought some issues of Cleo. but then i stopped, since i figured it wasn't doing me any good. a lot of pages, especially the make-up and cosmetics pages went unread, because i for one don't use make-up, and i hardly use cosmetics(is facial cleanser a cosmetic?). and even if it was nice to browse through the fashion and trends section, it's not as if i had the money to follow up and buy the clothes they promoted, could i? So whenever i buy a copy of Cleo, i feel guilty because the 6 ringgit i spent on it could have been used to pay three days worth of college parking tickets.

Gossip mags like Hot are very entertaining. But it makes me feel guilty everytime i buy it because i'd be funding the work of papparazzi, who are possibly the scums of the earth, and also because every time i buy it, the voice in my head would go 'well,this is very...bimbo-headed of you, isn't it?'.

I've never bought Time or The Economist, because dad subscribes to it, so i can just tumpang sekaki and read his copy. And though some of the articles in them can be interesting, and i should read these magazines because they are chock-full of information and general knowledge that will make me a 'mature,intelligent and aware civillian of modern society', sometimes, they can be freaking boring, and that's the absolute truth(for me anyways). and that makes me guilty, because i SHOULD be a fan of those magazines and read every issue ardently. but i'm not. half of the articles go unread. damn.

so magazines equate guilt for me. But all that has changed. well, at least, to some extent. because you see, a few days ago i bought my first ever copy of a music magazine. Rollingstone, 31st May issue. RM20.90. A ridiculous amount, if you think about it, because that figure could buy me an Agatha Christie book. But oh, it was worth it. every single penny. I devoured practically every article, every interview, every music review the magazine offered. Terrific. It took me as much time to read it as i would a book.

even though it's more expensive than the average local magazine, i still think it was worth it. Now i see why my friends Bo Eui and Hani are willing to spend so much on fashion magazines. (we're talking about 70 ringgit for a MAGAZINE). i guess When you're interested in something, it becomes worth spending the extra amount on. They really are passionate when it comes to fashion. I'm not talking bout mags like Cosmo or Glamour ke ape. this is hardcore stuff, Italian Vogue, and magazines i can't even remember what are their names.

Well, i don't think i can afford to spend 70 bucks on a magazine, but i am definitely buying some more music mags. maybe i'll try Spin, or Q after this. I'm sorry all previous genres of magazines i've read, but i don't think i'll be reading you anymore.

swear words.

i don't understand people who attempt some sort of censorship when typing profanities and instead type this:

f*ck. or b*tch. or fcuk.

there's just no point in doing that. unless we're very dimm-minded, it is most likely that we're going to understand what you really meant to type. that just defeats the purpose. so might as well use proper spelling, ey?

ok. soul-searching moment of the day. here's the deal. the absolute truth is this: i sometimes see myself as pretentious. i tend to expect too much from the people around me, and when they don't live up to these incredibly high standards i have, i tend to retreat into this dark hole where i stay most of the time. once in a while, i look at myself, and think, 'the person i am when i'm alone is different from the person i am when i'm in front of people'. and i am shit-scared to talk to anyone, tell them about this and ask them their opinion, because i am shit-scared that they will look down on me. that they'll think they are holier-wiser-better than me.

i'm trying to find rock bottom. i'm am trying to start fresh. i am trying to be 'me'(whoever that is), without giving so much thought to what other people might think.

so:

hi. my name's atiqah.
i'm 18 going on 19.
i have a tendency to be overemotional, but i'm trying to overcome that.
i don't say fuck to people, but i do say it to myself when i'm angry or frustrated.
i don't wear a tudung, and i still tend to oversleep and miss subuh, but i'm trying to be a better muslim.
i am quite bad at meeting new people, and i tend to be all awkward, but please don't think i'd purposely try to snub you or wouldn't want to be your friend. if i had it my way and could control things, i'd give you the biggest grin and somehow say something that we could both laugh about.
i am very insecure about my looks, but at times i can be very vain, without having any reason to be.
i can be very enthusiastic and expressive about certain things, and i like music.

and usually i'd worry about being too whiny on my blog, but that's just membazir masa. it's my blog, and therefore i have the prerogative to be as whiny as i want on it. that's half the reason why blogs are so popular these days, aren't they?if you find my incessant whinying and self-pitying rants distasteful, you have every right to stop reading and move on to greener pastures on cyberspace.

this feels good. hello, ayang.

Hello lamp post...whatcha doin'?

i wish i could just buy all the songs i wanted. when i like a track, i wish i could buy the album containing that song, the whole kit and caboodle.pendek kate, i don't want to download things anymore. it makes me feel so freaking guilty.

the wonders of file-sharing. when i was first introduced to it(iMesh, in the computer kat bilik kaunseling semashur, circa 2002), i was overjoyed at the thought of being able to find any song i like, and downloading it so easily. so convenient! so fantastic! so of course, the whole downloading/making playlists/burning cds phase came about.

So from imesh, to kazaa, to limewire, to Aeres. i've heard the campaigns aganinst file-sharing copyrighted stuff, i knew that it's detrimental and unfair to artists and stuff, but i still did it, and i still do.

But lately my conscience is starting to get to me. i mean, it's always been there, quietly but consistently bugging me whenever i'm downloading anything, but now it's not so quiet so much as to shout in my head. 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! KATE JE SUKE THIS BAND OR THAT SINGER OR WHATEVER, BUT IF YOU REALLY LIKED THEIR MUSIC, YOU'D BUY IT AND LET THEM EARN THE ROYALTIES AS THEY SO RIGHTLY DESERVE!'.

Yeah. My most recent downloading binge came about with Greg Laswell, but now i've stopped because he's producing too many good songs for me to rip him off. I'm sorry, Greg Laswell. I will buy your cd if only i could find a shop around here that actually sells it.

Now, it's Albert Hammond Jr. Please ship your cd to Malaysia. PLEASE.

Problems:
1. I don't actually have the funds to buy every cd i want.
2. A lot of times the CD i want can't be found in shops here, or else i just have very bad luck when it comes to looking for a specific cd.
3. i'd buy the cd i want online, but it practically always needs paypal or a credit card or whatnot, which i don't have, and i doubt my parents would lend me theirs.

selambe badak je cakap pasal downloading stuff and whatnot,ah? yeah,well. whatever.

i wish the bands/singers i like would actually come down to malaysia and perform. you know what turns me off? when a band comes to singapore, but skips malaysia and moves straight on to Bangkok. or, lagi best, they just come to Singapore and that's it. Their one-stop-centre for South East Asia. pfft.

You know what else is irritating?Going to midvalley and seeing a guy carrying his girlfriend's handbag. For God's sake, why would he do that? better still, why would the girlfriend LET him do that?i find it such a demeaning gesture(for the guy). Very de-macho-tizing.

Here's something random. have you ever read 'life of Pi'? it's one of my favourites. there's this one part in the book, where Pi meets the muslim man and learns about Islam. Once of the things the muslim man told him was "if you take two steps towards God, God runs to you!". I liked that sentence a lot, it stuck in my mind. a couple weeks ago, i was pleasantly surprised to find out that that sentence is actually a real hadith as riwayat-ed(i don't know the english word for riwayat :P) by Salman Al-Farisi.

Dari sahabat Salman Al-Farisi r.a, ia berkata, Rasulullah SAW bersabda: " Allah ta'ala berfirman:"Bila hamba mendekatkan diri kepadaKu satu jengkal, Aku mendekatinya satu dzira'. Dan jika hamba mendekatkan diri padaKu satu dzira', maka Aku mendekatinya satu hasta, dan bila hamba mendatangi Aku dengan berjalan, maka Aku mendatanginya sambil berlari"

it gets tiring after a while to read someone's friendster profile and read in the 'about me' section something akin to the following:i hate back-stabbers and hypocrites. Don't judge me unless you get to know me first. i don't really smile to people i don't know, so some people may think i'm arrogant. i'm not. once you get to know me, i'm really friendly. i don't know how to describe myself, but here's some of the things people have said about me...(followed by a number of glowing testimonial excerpts).

my favourite subject is economics. i LOVE economics! well, i don't really like it when it's during exams or when we have to do assignments or answer data response, but i love the whole idea of it. It has a direct and obvious link to what's going on around us. science subjects like physics and bio have an even more blatant connection with everyday life(i.e.:twirl a wet umbrella around and droplets of water come flying off!the wonders of inertia!)i guess, but i'm really no good in science. i wish i was.

i think i really was meant for arts, though. i've finally found my niche in the education system! i feel relieved whenever i think of this and compare it to the days when i took physics. me and physics, sadly to say, just don't click. i used to be in a literal daze whenever we had physics class. getting my physics paper back after a test succeeded in making me feel dumber each time. you know when you try your hardest to study something and it doesn't work and your grades don't improve?yeah. it was a dead end with physics.

but now i'm here, and as stupid as this may sound, i still get this tingly feeling of happiness whenever i evaluate what i'm studying(when i'm not cursing bile my accounts don't balance). this was just meant to be.

do you often think ahead, and you realize that by the time something happens, something else would have already passed? like, by the time kakak comes home, my AS will be over. by the time i sit for my A2, kakak will have gone back. by the time my 'P' license expires, i'll be done with A-levels. By the time i finish A-Levels, nani and sal will have already flown off to their respective foreign universities. yeah. it's sorta depressing to think like that at times. but whatever. one obstacle at a time.

If i had a wheelbarrow full of money,i would buy:
1. Spin, Q, Juice, Junk, and whatever other music magazine.
2. The new Sue Monk Kidd book.
3. CDs
4. Sunglasses for mom.
5. Grey's Anatomy season 3 box set.
6. DVD for Blades of Glory or whatever movie that tickles my fancy.
7. Go watch all the summer blockbusters at the cinema.
8. Blanje my friends to a meal, and ice cream.
9. Buy a whole bag of those Staedtler coloured pens so i'd finally be able to have colorful notes in class.
10. A new collar for Cleo.
11. A loofah, and skin moisturizer.
12. Go to a hair salon and change my hairstyle.
13. A smashing present for whoever's birthday is coming up.
14. clothes. mut buy some casual t-shirts and shorts.
15. Since i have a barrow full of money, might as well get House box set dvds, for all seasons.
16. alarm clocks(proper ones that force you to get up).
17. an extra telekung.
18. oh yeah. proper outfit for prom.
19. dangly earrings.
20. decorations for my room.

damn panjang this post. but really, listing down all the stuff you can't buy can be quite therapeutic. try it yourself.



this song makes me happy. 'She Loves You' by The Beatles. It's as if the song is saying 'like, duh! You have EVERY reason to be rejoicing. why aren't you?'.

this is what blogs are for.