the signs said stop; we went on whole-hearted, it ended bad, but i loved what we started

are my posts too goody2?

i always thought i was the cynical, pessimistic link in my family, but as i read my old posts yesterday, i thought 'wow. i can be quite the fluffy duracell bunny when not writing the sombre, moody posts'.

um,i may have complained of this before, but at that moment it just felt again like i'm not really quite that certain of my own personality.

If ie ever won this special contest that allowed me to run through a good record store, grabbing whatever CDs i could reach for free, i'd snatch up:
1.Greg Laswell- 'Through Toledo'
2.Fiona Apple - 'Extraodinary Machine'
3.The Kooks - Inside in/inside out'. *i actually bought this cd for luis, but when i came back again to the same store to get one for myself, it was sold out. shoot.
4.Snow Patrol -'Eyes Open'
5.Ray Charles - a greatest hits album or whatever
6.Billie Holiday - have always wanted to listen to her
7.Pete Yorn- 'musicforthemorningafter'
8.Louis XIV 'The best Little Secrets are Kept'
9.Arctic Monkeys - both albums
10.By this time my time would probably almost be up, so i'll just grab armloads of whatever cds that's nearest.

kakak,come home quick. it may not be obvious sometimes, but we do miss you, you know.

During tea just now, my parents were talking about figures and yearly estimations and stuff that i couldn't understand. my mom caught sight of my puzzled looked and explained they were talking about retirement funds, and launches into a lecture about how i should start saving early in order to have an adequate retirement fund when i'm 55.

'That's why a lot of people prefer to work for the government, so that they'll have a pension. like daddy ni, once he retires, he won't get a pension(just a lump sum given straight off)'. If you earn around RM3000 a month, by the time you're 55 you should have around RM700k in order to survive on a daily expense of around RM3500 a month'.

While i'm trying to juggle the process of taking in the information and at the same time thinking 'woh, mom's really got this down', dad chimes in that once he retires he'll turn really stingy and he and mom, in typical fashion starts jesting about how they'll cut back on electricity, save up rain water, and only flush when they do number 2,heh.

Then dad continues, 'when people retire, they have to depend on their children for income.' On cue, they both looked at me silmutaneously, and we laughed about it. but i've just realized something.

My parents have always seemed larger-than-life to me.i've just realized that they are growing old, and it's inevitable that as people grow old, they grow frail.i'm growing up, and soon they're going to rely on me to support them, financially, emotionally, physically. i know it's a natural part of life, and is bound to happen. but i look at myself and think 'i'm not ready to grow up and be responsible'. it bloody scares me that as i grow up i'm going to have to stop leaning on my parents for support, and instead, have them lean on me and trust me with taking care of them. i'm not ready. i'm 19, but at this moment, i still see myself as a kid. i don't want to think about my parents getting old. not yet.

so for now, i'll just join mom and laugh about how my dad is psyched over his new tv and satellite dish. it looks like a kuali sitting out there on the lawn, but it's cool,yo. we can watch channels from france, taiwan, singapore, etc. never mind the fact we can't speak any of their languages. it's the visuals that count.