I know, she knows, that i'm not fond of asking

Do you ever, every once in a while, get the feeling that you suddenly understand life? This may sound very dumb and naive, but there are times when i get this overwhelming sense of..i don't know, contentment?maybe not that, but it's as if you suddenly figure out that life isn't that hard to figure out, and it's easy to differentiate right and wrong, and that being a good muslim isn't all that difficult. You suddenly have this realization that you get it. and these moments of clarity are usually accompanied by happiness, to the point of being giddy, because things are no longer as complex as you thought they were.

For example, the latest time i felt that way was when i got rejected from cambridge. of course that sucked, but it was also(and this may sound bloody cliched) a turning point. Because, to be honest, the whole scholarship thing mase form 5 dulu kind of set something off. like a little bit of me hardened because i didn't understand why i couldn't get it. and then i got the B in AS, and that snowballed the whole thing, because i, in all frankness, was mad at Allah. i couldn't see past the B. and that sounds horrible and selfish, i know, but there you have it. so when i got rejected from cambridge, it really was a sort of meltdown moment, because the way i saw it, God was punishing me continuously. Here i was, thinking i was working my ass off but not getting the returns, and it just didn't make sense!

but then i got my moment. kakak's email made me think. and i know i'm making this out like some bloody chicken-soup for the soul story, but bear with me. You see, i think all this while, what spurned me on to try for a scholarship, or to get straight As, or to try for cambridge, was the idea that by doing so, i could prove to people(and i suppose myself) that i AM smart, and that i AM good enough, and that i AM special. at the point where high school ended, i thought that the people around me assumed i was dumb, and took me for granted as another average jane. so i wanted to get revenge by achieving the scholarship, the As and the good uni so that i could turn back to them and spit out "see? i CAN do it, you bastards".

ok,ok, let's cut to the chase. what i've realized is that i've been doing things with the wrong niat in mind. i wanted to prove myself to others. to my parents. to my friends. not getting into cambridge was when i finally realized that i don't have to. I think that's what Allah's been trying to point out. As long as i work hard, God knows it, I know it, and that's all that really matters. i know that's a pretty simple thing to grasp, and i'm the dumb one for not having realize it sooner, but that's life, yo. you don't always see the things that are so obvious to others sometimes.

but the thing about these moments of clarity ni, is that they don't last forever. sooner or later you face a stumbling block of some sort, and you forget about your enlightening realizations, and lapse back into your old ungrateful, narrow-minded self.

ok, i hear voices telling me to stop the emotional train of thought already. yeah,yeah, i hear you.

p/s:syefik, i can't stop playing simtower. i'm trying to figure out my elevator strategies,aisy. all my tenants are stressed waiting for the lift.

p/s/s:i've just figured out how to play minesweeper(all this while i'd just randomly press everywhere, thus resulting in every game ending with the mines blowing up), so i'm now addicted to that too.

oh!i completely forgot. GONG XI FA CAI! Happy chinese new year, yo.

p/s/s/s:(no more, i swear), i can't believe i never listened to 'Hospital beds' by Cold War Kids before!what was i thinking?!