When writing, I hope to God that I'm honest.
That I'm honest, that I'm sincere, that I'm not lying, that I'm not exaggerating, that I am making sense, that I am writing down things that are not tainted by superficiality. Because sometimes it's hard to tell. Did I really feel that way? Am I truly frustrated? Did the girl really eat that loud? This idea that I am manipulating my words to fit how I want my blog to be, it slightly disgusts me, it makes me feel cheap and ugly. I want to write from my soul, because writing is the only avenue I have to express myself. I don't draw, I don't take pictures, I don't sing, and I don't dance. If I can't write honestly, if I can't express myself sincerely through my words, then there there must be something wrong with my soul itself. It makes me wonder whether the very core of my being is superficial, and that is a wretched idea to entertain.
But that's fool's logic, perhaps?
Speaking of wretched, I displayed the most appalling behaviour to my friends over the weekend, it did horrify me to a certain extent. I try not to let mood-swings get to me, but invariably I fail, and I'm swept up by this mass irritation I have for everything around me. I feel guilty afterwards, of course, and I try to apologize, but I know I'm walking on thinning ice and I play the guessing game with myself, trying to figure out how many times I'll be able to do this before everyone hates me.
But funnily enough, some good did come out of it. I managed an attempt to explain this bile of bitterness to someone, and while it was a mixture of nonsense and incoherence, it was an attempt nonetheless. The response I got was a combination of attention, kindness, and sympathy, the kind that I'd never gotten from a friend before. So, yeah. Thank you. And now let's run away before I get all mushy.
Plus, I got to try durian crème brûlée as well, which was a delight for my taste buds.
Jesse
I don't know what I have done
I'm turning myself into a demon.
-Fleet Foxes, Tiger Mountain Peasant Song
I didn't do any work during the weekend. I should be panicking.
I think I'll go sleep instead.
exaggeration and tall tales galore
Sunday, April 05, 2009
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7 comments:
i felt the same way too ateqs! wondering whether i'm being honest enough or a big liar... but,it's ok... at least we have the conscience to put us back on track..
coincidentally,i displayed the appalling behavior to my friends too over the weekend! n i'm sure they did at least dislike it... well,i dun want to gv a damn bout that since they, at times also did the same thing... so yeah,just be yourself n hv fun!
it sure is wonderful when u hv someone who listen n support u... XD
Have a good start week! =)
i dont know what and how this may seem but me too!
did i say that as if it was good thing?
we both know that its not.
i think i found out something this weekend. happiness often comes in the way you least expect it.
its better that being dissapointed about something you think it supposed to make you feel happy..
One can't help but have that feeling. heee. I too, wish that I'm not writing to fit a mold on how i want people to perceive me, and at the same time struggling not to write like the only thing I care or can think of are superficial crap.
Pretty challenging,no?
Sometimes I get angry at people for no valid reason. I blame it on mood, but I feel so guilty afterwards! Yup, I get that thin ice bit. I mean imagine if one day they just had enough. Yikes!
Durian creme brulee! I've never even had normal creme brulee!
Heya.
Who cares if it's superficial? I write my blog and exaggerate stuff just to make it interesting, just because writing makes me happy! And I know you love writing too.
So just write whatever you want. We're all human anyway. We're ALWAYS tainted by superficiality =) Among many others.
Hahaha whoops. Kantoi banyak blog account. It's Lisa =) Or Aki. Or Fresh Minty Herb. Yeap.
well, if it makes you feel better, you certainly come across as sincere. chin up, 'yang. if they're real friends (which i am assuming they are), the parts of you that they love will make any mood-swing-induced behaviour negligible.
thank you all for your lovely comments. I was being super mengade in this post and you still have the decency to layan me. Come to melbourne and I'll belanje you durian creme brulee :D
afnan, i hope you have someone who listens and supports you too :)
aijud, i've never had normal creme brulee either, it was a jump straight to durian, heh.
fresh minty herb! kantoiness. but i like the name :)
kero, i'm hoping the same!
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