Save Your Scissors For Someone Else's Skin

One thing I remember, and I'll probably always remember, is this: sitting on my dad's lap on raya morning. I think I must have been 7 or 8, it was the morning of the first day of raya, my dad had just come back from raya prayers. We were watching tv while waiting for mom to get the rendang and ketupat ready for our traditional raya breakfast. My dad was sitting on the couch, I think it was one of the two green leather armchairs we used to have, the ones the cats loved to scratch. I was sitting on my dad, leaning against him with all the trust and intimacy that astonishes me when I think about it now. I was watching tv while sitting with my dad , laughing as he ate some nuts and got a weird look on his face, forgetting that it was raya and thinking that he accidentally ate something when he was supposed to be fasting.

Few years down the road, I went crazy.

I got an email from my dad, and the words are careful, so, so, careful. And it made me want to cry , it made me want to hug him and say I'm sorry I went crazy, I'm sorry I drove you away, I'm sorry I couldn't and still can't be a better daughter to see past your words and your demeanor, I'm sorry for the times I gave up and gave in to the idea that our relationship at the moment will be as good as it gets. For thinking God was punishing the both of us. I'm sorry that we are both so stubborn and too alike to compromise, I am so sorry, I am so sorry.

***
Sometimes, thinking about qiamat helps. It puts things into perspective. It makes me look at anything that's troubling me and think 'there just isn't enough time for this shit'. And that includes inconsiderate people, study blues, weight and zit issues, casting failures, flailing crushes, and the like.

Things that have been keeping me sane/happy: Kellogs, chocolate croissants and mochas in the morning, big tables, slouchy black sweater, Arnott's Scotch Finger biscuits, La Vie En Rose.

City and Colour, ftw.