On the way home just now, we passed a mosque, and I caught sight of a man praying. For some reason it gave me a great sense of comfort, and a pang of what seems to be regret or remorse.

I've pondered about it, I think this is the farthest I've been from Allah. This is dangerous territory. I asked Him to please not let anything bad happen, because I don't know if my faith can hold steady against it.

How messed up is that? Me, who's never had any proper cause of despair, how can I be so weak that my faith is challenged even when nothing remotely bad has ever happened to me?

I think I've said this before, it's lonely when you don't allow yourself to properly turn to God. When you don't have a solid grip on your iman, when your faith is slippery. My arrogance gets the best of me, I forget God except in times of need, I get angry at Him for petty reasons. At the same time I realize that I'm being ridiculous, beyond ridiculous. Sometimes I realize this and try to apologize. Other times, I feel apologizing is futile, because I've done this too many times, and Allah can't be bothered with me anymore.

Then, the dangerous territory. When you start wondering about the foundations of your religion. The logic of heaven and hell, of muslim and kafir, of dunia and akhirat. I question the workings of what I believe in. My cockiness turns me into a cynic.

For all that cynicism though, I realise that in the end I always turn to Allah. When I am scared, and find myself asking Him to protect me. When I am apologizing to Him right before I commit a sin.

I can't bring myself to properly talk to God anymore. Maybe it's shame.

But I can remember kneeling in front of the Kaabah. I remember that now. How did I get from that to this?

The worst times are during the mean reds. Life usually keeps me adequately occupied that I can forget about this, but then at one point I will suddenly be terrified for no apparent reason, and I will scramble around for something to hold on to or something to distract myself with, but it will be useless. I will once again get that feeling of dread where it seems like the end. At that moment, I will realise I am not ready to die, that I am scared shitless of the idea of death and what lies beyond it.

Why is it so hard. why is it so hard to feel God?

But I caught sight of a man praying at a mosque tonight, and something clicked in my heart. I'll try to remember to hold on to that, and to remind myself of the steadfast conviction I had kneeling in front of the Kaabah.