Adoi.

Aku rasa kan, inilah pengalaman aku paling stress nak belajar untuk exam, tak termasuk mock exams untuk A2 dulu. That feeling of near-hysteria because the time you have left is not proportionate to the number of chapters to be read.

Takkanlah stress sangat kot? Aku dah lalui SPM. Dah buat A levels. Sampai uni pun boleh kabut lagi ah?

Boleh. Memang boleh.

My mind is still switching mindsets, the war between panicking and the rationale that I can finish reading macro and law is still raging, even while I study.

Kalau tak dapat H1 untuk semua subject satu dosa yang terlalu besar ke? Kenape aku takut sangat? Bukannya aku tak pernah gagal. Form 4 selalu je fail add maths. AS dulu dapat B untuk accounting. It's not as if the world fell apart,did it? Apa yang aku takut sangat?

Takut sebab kalau aku tak cemerlang dalam exam ni, my self-worth will deplete ke? Itu ke yang membuatkan aku takut nak terfikir pun the aspect of getting bad grades?

Haih, Atiqah. Berapa kali kau dah lalui semua ni. Ape yang kau takut sangat. Ape yang kau risau sangat.

Aku tahu. Kau takut kalau kau gagal, kau kene hadapi these thoughts:

1. Kau boleh buat lebih baik, tapi kau bodoh sangat pergi bazir masa. Tak reti-reti lagi macam mana nak urus diri. Camne nak gelar diri grown up kalau urus masa pun tak boleh?

2. Regret is a hard pill to swallow.

3. Kalau kau tak mampu nak score, kau rasa diri kau bodoh. Jadi the things that you have got going for you akan berkurang even more. Macam mana nak justify diri kau as a person? Not talented, not many friends, not exceptional, not attractive, and now, not even capable to do well in exams. (Tapi ni exaggeration semata-mata, iaitu fikiran aku bila aku tengah betul-betul rotting in self-pity. Jangan risau. I'm not that self-centered all the time. I'm fully aware I have more than plenty to be grateful for).

Aku tahu, aku terlalu menaruh harapan pada keputusan peperiksaan to justify that I can achieve things. Aku rasa sifat ni terbit dari semashur la kot. That feeling you get when you can tell someone thinks you're intellectually inferior, but tries to humor you anyway, aku temui kat situ. It's a bit soul-crushing.

Tapi itu cerita lama. Yang penting, aku kene habis study pasal flowcharts malam ni. Esok, start baca pasal economic growth.

Ayuh!