I'll keep dancing when the song ends with the hope that it will replay, over and over

When I get scared, I will say that I have to go back to God. That it makes sense, life doesn't work when you don't have your shit together, and how can you have your shit together when you're not talking to God? I will have this thought in some recess of my mind, and I'll convince myself that I'll go back to God, I'll do my prayers, I'll trust, I'll have faith, I'll be okay. As far away as I stray, I think this fear, and the subsequent search for forgiveness and the desire to be good; is indelible.

But that feeling, though I think (or I hope) is genuine, is fleeting. And all too often I go back to the next good song I listen to, or the work I have to do, or the friend I'm meeting up with, and it is lost.

I was reading something, some article or forum online, and it suddenly occured to me, with glaring obviousness, that I am wasting too much time being insecure. Too much time, too much fucking time! I wish I didn't worry so much when I screw up, I waste so much time regretting the mistake, instead of just doing the necessary things to make up for it and just moving on. I waste too much time being embarrased over things I've said in conversations. I am insecure in my ability to do work, in my appearance to others.

What if I'm too busy worrying about work, about being fat, too worried about being disappointed, too caught up in comparing myself to others, too busy being far too selfish, too scared to think I am good enough for anyone,  that I end up missing out on life? I have this deep-rooted fear of being vapid, of being nothing except a shell, no substance, no depth.

I am too busy doubting myself. Insecurity is ugly.

I have come across some new good music, and listening to such songs, I have this familar overwhelming surge of something that makes me feel like bursting at the seams, it feels like anything's possible, anything is doable. I am 23, and life is good, and I can dance and I can think and I am confident in my skin,I can laugh and do whatever the hell I want, I am blessed.

But what happens when I have to go back staring at my financial model that is due tomorrow, or when I look at the material for training next week that I haven't gone through, when I'm stuck doing a presentation and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing? When I wake up and find an email from my boss pointing out my mistakes? How do I retain or reconjure this feeling that I can do it, that it is not that bad at all, that it is nothing, that I'll be okay?

Goddamn. I have to stop over-thinking things and just do. Just be.