Belly laugh

Friends who keep me sane, friends who drive me crazy, friends who make me laugh, thank God for you, thank God for you, thank God for you. Have another laugh with me.

A few nights ago, I dreamt I was pregnant. I was pregnant and I was wearing a white dress. My water broke, everyone was fussing over me. I was apprehensive, I was weary about the pain I would face giving birth to this child, but at the same time I knew that that pain would be trivial in the grand scheme of things. I felt grateful for the attention I was given. I felt my baby kicking.

Less said(typed) is better I suppose? I tend to ramble on necessarily when let loose. I'm trying to trim the fat and just write the fundamentals of what I want to say.

I heard Johnny Cash's cover of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus for the first time while waiting for Dylan Moran to go on the other day, I think it's my favourite version. Speaking of which(this is one of those things that are unnecessary but just have to be relieved), whenever I hear Hilary Duff's Reach Out, which actually samples the trademark riff from Personal Jesus, I 'tsk tsk' figuratively in my head and think that it's a pale comparison to Jamelia's Beware of the Dog, which samples the track as well.

I have a whole bunch of food leftovers in my kitchen now, best gile. Tak payah masak.

Happy birthday again Aina! Sorry we couldn't have pulled off the surprise better(but this was good practice for next year), but at least you got a cake on fire kan?(even though you didn't really get to see it,haha).

Reality has come to bite me on the ass, hard. I have an appointment with it tomorrow morning when I've had my breakfast and realize how much work there is to be done.

Pedantic

When writing, I hope to God that I'm honest.

That I'm honest, that I'm sincere, that I'm not lying, that I'm not exaggerating, that I am making sense, that I am writing down things that are not tainted by superficiality. Because sometimes it's hard to tell. Did I really feel that way? Am I truly frustrated? Did the girl really eat that loud? This idea that I am manipulating my words to fit how I want my blog to be, it slightly disgusts me, it makes me feel cheap and ugly. I want to write from my soul, because writing is the only avenue I have to express myself. I don't draw, I don't take pictures, I don't sing, and I don't dance. If I can't write honestly, if I can't express myself sincerely through my words, then there there must be something wrong with my soul itself. It makes me wonder whether the very core of my being is superficial, and that is a wretched idea to entertain.

But that's fool's logic, perhaps?

Speaking of wretched, I displayed the most appalling behaviour to my friends over the weekend, it did horrify me to a certain extent. I try not to let mood-swings get to me, but invariably I fail, and I'm swept up by this mass irritation I have for everything around me. I feel guilty afterwards, of course, and I try to apologize, but I know I'm walking on thinning ice and I play the guessing game with myself, trying to figure out how many times I'll be able to do this before everyone hates me.

But funnily enough, some good did come out of it. I managed an attempt to explain this bile of bitterness to someone, and while it was a mixture of nonsense and incoherence, it was an attempt nonetheless. The response I got was a combination of attention, kindness, and sympathy, the kind that I'd never gotten from a friend before. So, yeah. Thank you. And now let's run away before I get all mushy.

Plus, I got to try durian crème brûlée as well, which was a delight for my taste buds.

Jesse
I don't know what I have done
I'm turning myself into a demon.
-Fleet Foxes, Tiger Mountain Peasant Song

I didn't do any work during the weekend. I should be panicking.

I think I'll go sleep instead.

Suki

The bundle of goodies that have been keeping me sane:

1. Ben Folds featuring Regina Spektor, You Don't Know Me At All. Echoing a comment on youtube, Regina Spektor's vocals really tie up the song very nicely.

2. Michael Mcyintyre's standup comedy performance live at the Apollo.

3. Rowan Atkinson.


4. Whitest Boy Alive, Burning. I don't know why it never occurred to me to check out Erlend Oye's other projects. The more I listen, the more awesome it is.

5. Memories of the brazilian dance party with Kelly and good company at Czech House last weekend. One of the best times I've had in Melbourne, I think. Read her take on it, and if you're in the city, come join us the next time we go. Often while I'm staring at some obscure formula for calculating the risk of a portfolio, I find myself thinking of it. What tickles me so is the fact I was twirling around. Twirling around! and not in the usual, oops-losing-balance-nak-terjatuh way, in a proper, I'm-following-a-guy-leading-me-dancing way. It was highly reminiscent of the time I was watching people swing-dancing for the first time, except this time I was actually dancing myself! Such a high, such a high.

6. A book to read. I haven't read a new book in what seems like a very long time, so I loped off to the library to get one just now, and I it took me forever to pick it out. I wanted something light, (hi chick lit), but not stupid(bye chick lit), something quirky, something with a happy ending, something poignant. In the end I got an Agatha Christie mystery(my literati equivalent to comfort food), and Big Fish.

I want a banana split. With 3 different ice cream flavors, double the amount of bananas, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, shards of wafers stuck in.

I want home. I want my family.

There's this certain amount of frustration I have right now, and I find that I'm not quite capable of putting it in words. It's a culmination of frustration for a number of things, for my lack of confidence in doing the finance test, my dismal resume, the sketchy notion that I don't have what it takes to face interviews and impress employers, scholarship application rejections for the nth time, stupid mood-swings, my affairs with Allah, my cash flows, my lease transfer, my zits, my books and files all piled up messily on the floor, my eating habits and in short, me.

But it's okay. I'm going grocery shopping today, so that should be a mood-lifter. I want to buy croissants.

Crackle Girl: A Short Story

This morning I had my Cost Management lecture, so I get over to the theater, make my way down the steps as I keep a keen eye for Cute Cashier From Safeway, and opt for a seat near the front. Just as class is about to start, this girl rushes in, carrying a cup of take-away coffee and a paper bag of what I assume is some sort of pastry or bun, and she sits right next to me, plonking her bag down on the empty chair on her other side.

So my lecturer starts talking and I get my attentive face out, with a plan to listen properly and take notes(I swear!). The girl next to me takes her lecture slides out, her pencil box and stuff all ready, and then she starts eating whatever it was she bought in the paper bag.

Okay, I thought. Must have missed breakfast. Wonder what she's having,I wish I could have a pastry too. So I focus back on my nice lecturer, but I find that I'm having a hard time concentrating, and I soon ascertain it's because from beside me crackling noises are coming out at regular intervals. Every few seconds-crackle. A few more seconds after-more crackling.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the girl is still eating whatever she bought, and it's not a pastry after all, because she uses a spoon to dig into it. And every time she goes to dig some more of it out, she grips the paper bag, thus causing the crackling sound.

The noise soon gets under my skin, and what was one second ago a mere background sound effect has now morphed into the bane of my very existence at this very moment. I can't concentrate on what the lecturer is saying and though I try to clutch on to his explanations of cost allocation and cost drivers, I am being swallowed by the fury that is emerging for this idiot of a girl who is still bloody crackling the bloody paper bag even though it's now half and hour into the lecture and we've covered quite a few slides.

I want to turn to her and scream "WTF, WOMAN??". She just crackles, chews, crackles, chews, and takes a swig of her coffee. I can hear her paper bag crackling, I can hear her bloody chewing, and I can hear her gulping her coffee, it's driving me mad!

I try to sigh loudly, to give her a hint that it's bothering me, but of course she doesn't notice and continues chew,chew,chewing and crackling the paper bag. And for a minute I'm stumped, is it just me who finds it annoying? The girl on my other side gave the Crackle Girl a look just now, but she doesn't seem perturbed, she's furiously scribbling on her notes and high-lighting all the necessary bits. Crackle Girl is oblivious, of course, she's eating while turning the pages of her slides to keep up with the lecturer. Is this normal? Am I being overly sensitive?

10 minutes later she finishes(whoo!), puts the damn paper bag aside and takes out a pencil and bends over her slides, writing something. I think,'at last!', and feel somewhat sheepish('must have been overreacting just now') and turn to give my full attention once more to VG(my lecturer).

But wait. Crackle Girl, in her intent to write notes, has placed her left elbow on my table. MY TABLE. Isn't there a bloody courtesy rule that says you can't mess with the space of people you don't know? Especially people you've just annoyed the hell out of by chewing and crackling for the past 40 minutes? It's not smack in the middle of my table, it's to the side, but it prevents me from putting MY elbow on the table when I want to write something.

I narrow my eyes at her to give her a death glare, but her head's still bent over and so I admit, I spied on what she was writing on. It turns out she's not writing at all, she's DRAWING. Fucking DRAWING. Drawing flowers! FLOWERS! What the hell do flowers have to with Cost Management?!

She draws a flower, followed by another, and another, until she has a whole bunch. She snaps to attention at something VG says, takes out a red pen and writes down something(related to the lecture this time), then goes back to drawing. We change pages on our slides, and she starts drawing a princess.

And while I was mad, some part of me found it pathetically funny. Here I was, fuming over this girl, too chicken to say something for fear of coming off like an overly sensitive prick, too caught up in being annoyed that she was drawing and that her stupid elbow on my table to just shrug it off and pay attention to the lecturer. And there she was, happily and intently drawing, concentrating only when she thought it was necessary, completely oblivious of me and my troubles. I had initially started off with righteous anger and notions of superiority, thinking I was the better one for wanting to pay attention, learn something,etc, while she was the fool for her drawing and her nonsense. But between the two of us, she was probably the one better off. She herself was choosing to either draw or listen, while I on the other hand was letting my actions(in this case my attention) be dictated by by my irritation for her. Why couldn't I just choose to ignore her and listen to VG?

Does this make sense? Bleh. I'm crap at describing what are already crappy, nonsensical thoughts to begin with.

When the first hour was up and we had a break, I looked around and saw Tai waving at me. He proved to be my savior, having an empty seat beside him for me to move to.

Trivial woes.

Don't you want to curve away?

Firdaus's tag, 13(instead of 25,sorry) things/habits/goals/random things about myself:

1. I get touchy when I meet someone who has the perception that an accountant is someone who is very dry and boring. ACCOUNTANTS CAN HAVE FUN TOO YOU KNOW!

2. I have this belief that my skin looks better than what it actually is when I first wake up in the morning. I'll shuffle over to the bathroom sink to brush my teeth, and when I look at my face, it seems like every pimple has shrunk, the skin feels smoother and in general looks nicer. But then it 'wakes up', and once I've showered, it resumes normal ugliness. Can anyone scientifically confirm this for me?

3. Kakak once told me that if she were able to marry a song, she'd marry Les Cerfs Volants, this french song by Benjamin Biolay. I thought that was a very interesting question. If you could marry a song, what song would it be? I reckon I wouldn't mind being paired up withPostcards from Italy by Beirut for life. (Come, come, introduce me to your song-wife/husband! I'd like to know)

4. I saw the cute Safeway cashier I used to stalk last year in my Cost Management lecture! HOHOHOHO!

5. Sometimes I get weary of movies/stories that have such clear cut protagonists and antagonists. Surely people are not so easily lumped in either category?

6. Album of the moment: Fleet Foxes' self-titled debut. Three phrases to describe it: Beautifully soothing harmonies, distinctive American folksiness, reminds me sometimes of Simon&Garfunkel. Favored song of the album of the moment:

What's particularly interesting about the song(besides that it sounds good), is the fact it only has one verse repeated throughout the song, and that one verse is made up of lyrics that are a bit haunting(I suppose the red he sings about refers to blood?

I was following the pack
all swallowed in their coats
with scarves of red tied ’round their throats
to keep their little heads
from fallin’ in the snow
And I turned ’round and there you go,
And Michael, you would fall
and turn the white snow red as strawberries in the summertime

Eh eh. Terpanjang pulak number 6 ni.

7. I really ought to be doing homework now. I don't think there ever is a time when I don't. Someone slap me and make me get started already.

8.I can arch my left eyebrow up a la Ziana Zain. I can't remember how many zeros a mega has, I can't swim, and I don't have a natural chemistry with dolphins, but I can arch my leftbrow. All is well.

9. My mom always gives the credit for baking something to me, even though all I did was the menial work like measuring out flour and sugar. I miss her.

10.A source of joy: storage solutions.

11.I think my Cost Management lecturer is sweet. He really tries hard to convey what he's teaching as clearly as possible, and he seems genuinely interested in the subject, which is not something you can find in all teachers.

12.Picture!
This was taken the day I came back, I think. That's Kelly and I in the background, I was probably telling her how I loved how long her hair was(Reading this over, I snorted and thought 'of course I'd be talking about hair. What were the chances I'd be discussing Freudian ideas or analyzing stimulus packages?') . What I like so much about the picture is Anna's face(don't kill me Anna!heh). Macam nak gelak tapi at the same time it's as if she's smirking. It makes me smile whenever I see it.

13. Dengan rasminya saya ingin tag Kelly. KELLY. Kelly,ftw!

Once again kakak saves the day!

With a beautiful song to stop me from banging my head on the table in frustration.


Every semester, without fail, there will be that one subject that manages to get under my skin, and I find that I can't seem to quite keep up with it. This time, it's the unbelievable, superbly talented, absolutely gorgeous(If I butter it up, perhaps it'll be kinder towards me) Business Finance!(whoo!Turn on applause sign)

But this time I have it better, because I actually like the subject. I do believe it's interesting. It's just a matter of digesting this abundance of information and formulas I'm forced to swallow each week.

Eh, this City and Colour ni seems very, very promising, the kind that requires full youtube/myspace/amazon research. Tabik spring to kakak for giving me the head's up.

I went to this talk yesterday, about kick-starting your commerce career. Apparently, I'm supposed to be looking at applying for internship programs, join a society that offers work-like experience, and start sharpening my skills, not merely academically, but also in terms of employability. I'm also highly encouraged to attend career fairs and meet with company representatives, to be able to network and get an idea of what prospective employers are looking for. All of this to be done starting right about now.

Hello, grown-up world. Where'd you come from? I didn't see you. Hello, wearing suits-to-work days, and the scrambling to enter the corporate environment, is it time already? Do I have to start saying my goodbyes?

I get so distracted
by some people's reactions
that I don't see my own faults for what they are
-City Colour, Sensible Heart

See, told you they were good.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your very kind comments on the last post, I've been(well, it feels like it) busy. (But if I were busy, surely that busyness would have included completing my Business Finance tute? But I haven't. Maka, secara konklusi, adakah kesibukkan yang saya nyatakan di sini sekadar sebahagian imaginasi saya?).

Anyway.

Hang on folks, it's already Wednesday. We're halfway through to get to the weekend!

Proper Groceries

I have so much I want to blurt out here, so much thoughts pouring out at the moment.

I want to talk about the awesomeness of the Coldplay concert, and my excitement for Kings Of Leon, and I want to get off my chest the fact it bugs me when I read blogs where people condemn them for becoming too 'mainstream'. I don't think I'm all bugged up about it because I am against that opinion, I don't really care, but I do get irritated when I read blog posts made by authors who must think they are positively omniscient.

I want to talk about clubbing. The other day I asked Kelly whether she would be open-minded enough to go clubbing, and now in retrospect, I cringe at how badly I worded the question. Just because a person doesn't go clubbing, that doesn't mean that they are closed-minded. It's strange isn't it, coming from a background of schooling that positively condemned clubbing to the pits of maksiat and therefore hell, and then being exposed to another section of society who find it perfectly fine and adopt it as a regular activity? Clubbing doesn't have to equal alcohol and maksiat. Does it? One the one hand, one can argue that of course it doesn't. We can go for the music, we can go for dancing, we can go for the good times with good friends. I went clubbing once. I didn't drink, I had a good time watching Shao doing the running man. It wasn't a great experience though(it was a mediocre club with mediocre music).

I want to talk about how I won't give in to this shit that is self-pity. I will be better than this, I'll study harder, I'll try to be friendlier, I'll try to have more courage. I won't give up, I won't. I'll pray to Allah, I'll listen to good music, I'll write and paste things in my journal, I'll try not to stop even in the face of discouraging circumstances.

I want to talk about guys and how I have this deep longing to actually experience being liked by someone properly. Yeah. bodoh, kan? 21 and never been liked. And since practically most of the people around me have experienced it/are experiencing it at one point or another, it's a bit worrying. Ah. bodoh. This whole paragraph is bodoh. Why? Because I do believe I have several repetitions of this exact same paragraph(albeit expressed differently) scattered throughout previous blog posts. Therefore, not only is it unoriginal, it means that the situation hasn't changed. next.

I want to talk about God and how the memories of umrah are becoming fuzzy, they aren't in pristine, sharp , technicolour condition anymore, and that sucks. Melbourne and its distractions are getting to me, and I want to persevere. And I want to talk about how I was reminded of the fact that 'Islam' means to surrender to God, and I'm supposed to build my life around God, not try and find ways to fit God into my life. I want to be stripped of this arrogance I have, of any cynicism, sarcasm and skepticism in my head, take them away, what good have they done me? Obliterate this pretentiousness.

I like my lecturers this semester.

I have reading and tutorials to do tomorrow.

Lemon tea

Hello to anyone who has still been bothering to check this page despite the unchanging post at the top, grazias, syukran, terima kasih.

It's been a whirlwind of sorts, but I'm finally back in Melbourne, and what's more, I find myself lying on my bed with nothing to do at the moment, so huzzah! Here I am.

I would love nothing else than sit down with someone who would want to listen to me as I prattle on enthusiastically about Makkah and Madinah, seeing the Kaabah for the first time, the refreshingly different Arab society, the revolting taste of Arab coffee and experiences of trundling back to the hotel with cups of dates, kucing Arab with their skinny tails, white robes, black abaayas and red and white checkered kuffiyahs. However, I'll spare you the incoherent ramblings and just describe the picture above. That's mom and I laughing our heads off(for what reason I can't recall) in a place called Al Ula, which is some four hours outside of Madinah. And you see the big rock in the background? There's tons of those everywhere in Al Ula, and it is spectacular. It is awesome, there's a scattering stretch of those rocks that go all the way to Jordan. It is astoundingly beautiful, far different from the hills you see around Makkah and Madinah themselves.

The lady whose head you can see right between mom and I is Kak Liza, who is pretty cool and has a really funny mother. Towards the right, you can see two Arab men in their white jubah and kuffiyahs(one of them is super good-looking,fuyoh), they were our tour guides. Their English left much to be desired, but they were nice people, eager to answer questions and show us around.

I'm listening to Coldplay's Viva La Vida, trying to pump up some excitement to go see them, and so far it's working. I think my favourite track is Strawberry Swing, with Lovers in Japan, Lost! and Death and All of His Friends following close behind. I have a feeling I will have good time. I wiggle my toes, I close my eyes and try and savour the songs. They're not very danceable to are they?

Aina gave me a brilliant present when I got back the other day, Kings Of Leon's Youth & Young Manhood! Thank you Aina, thankyouthankyouthankyou. The album's distinctively different from how the new one sounds, and when I listen to it, I can't help but feel like I should arch my eyebrow and walk jauntily down the street while running a hand through my hair, pretending to be on a ranch....yeah. Aware that I would look unbelievably stupid if I actually did it, I'm content to just walk normally and stare down at my shoes with a small smile.

Kelly, bless her sweet soul, gave me this huge book called The BIG Book of Baking. Think page after page of some sort of cake,pastry or tart, with accompanying recipe and picture. It's going to be book I peruse whenever the day gets overwhelming. It'll make me dream of apples pies, strawberry shortcakes and choux pastry when I sleep, bliss. Grazie, Kelly!

We'll sambung this soon. I'm thinking of going out to get some lemons. Nak buat lemon tea, whee!

Purple button-down shirt

I was watching snippets of the Grammies(between flipping to Evening on HBO and my brother squealing "What's on 555?? Come on, you said you wanted to watch the Grammies, this isn't the Grammiieeesss".

Isn't it great Adele won for best new artist? Isn't it a bit of a joke that The Jonas Brothers were nominated for same category? Isn't the Grammies a bit of a joke?

Anyway, it was Thaipusam yesterday, and I almost didn't realize it were it not for the small, page-ntah-ke-berapa feature on yesterday's papers. I'm pretty sure it would have gotten the usual page 2 or center spread special were it not for everything that's been happening in Perak. I was reading Aijud's latest post and I'm sure that sums up what a lot of people feel in regards to the topic pretty accurately as well.

In concern with everything that's happening there, I am wary to actually take a stance and openly agree and condone one party while disagreeing with the other. Nothing's ever black and white is it, it's just this blanket of gray with people on both sides wholly believing that they're in the right. So I echo Aijud's sentiments and say it makes me all annoyed and sighing and furious.

If anything, I feel sorry for that Jelapang MP's family. Even though the papers haven't verified it, there are rumors that say they're facing criticism from the public, even so far as the market refusing to sell vegetables to them. If that's true, I truly feel sorry that they're bearing the brunt of it all.

Defections? I read in the paper that while there are no anti-defection laws in the UK, they are rare and only happen in certain circumstances like when a member left the Labour Party in protest to their stance on a war(was it Iraqi or Afghanistan, tak ingat). Comparing that to the defections here, we just seem a bit lame, tak?

Well, what does my opinion matter anyway.

I'm off for a couple weeks, I wish you all well. Stay clear of forest fires, please(shoots dagger eyes at Kelly, Azrieal, Shao, Aina).

p/s: Thank your for the tag Firdaus! I like tags, whee(I know I keep saying this every time I get tagged and it's stupid, but it's my way of saying thank you). I'll do it once I get back, so I'll start thinking of the things to write starting now,heh.

In the moonlight, on a joy ride

Salutations!

I owe a lot of the songs I've come to know and love to the blogs I stalk. Whenever I suggest a song here, I feel a bit silly because perhaps everyone just skims over that part of the post and don't take heed of it, or they've already heard the song ages ago, but a part of me would like to believe that someone out there will perhaps discover an ace of a tune they didn't already know, just like how I did when reading other blogs. So bear with me and brace yourselves.

Say Hi - November was White, December was Grey.
Fleet Foxes - Blue Ridge Mountains (I'm excited to listen to them, perhaps a purchase of the album may be foreseen in the future?)
Alphabeat - What is Happening (I want to be a tambourine-playing lead singer of a Danish band churning out catchy songs too. I love the video!)

Speaking of silly. I'm putty in my cats' paws. You can get annoyed all you want when a cat spills over its food bowl, or bites you, or ignores you even though it can clearly hear you calling it. But when it meows outside your door plaintively, hops up onto the couch and snuggles up comfortably against you, or when it lies down facing you and reaches out its paw to touch you and keeps its paw there while it sleeps, out goes the annoyance, and you're a goner. You get all warm and fuzzy inside, you feel this outpour of love and affection for this delightful creature, and that's when the cat knows its' got you. And it chuckles diabolically inside its head and continues mapping out its plan to dominate the world while pretending to sleep in the cutest, most aww-inducing position.

Oh, check out this other song by Alphabeat(please), called Fascination. It's so upbeat, 80's-influenced and dance-able to, it's ridiculous. Fantastic. I need more happy music.

I have this happy feeling in the pit of my clavicle, it's all warm and caramel and it's just about approaching worrying level. At times like these no problem seems unsolvable, no ambition unachievable, no worries worth worrying over. It feels like I want to go dancing, that the prospect of being alone is unrealistic, that I can gather up all the friends I ever felt awkward with into a huge hug.

I have a feeling Alphabeat has something to do with this.

I wouldn't mind feeling like this more often.

pastries

Nigella. There is something so soothing about watching her carelessly measure cups of flour and grate chocolate, I can literally feel my shoulders loosening up, my inner domestic goddess smiling serenely.

A couple days ago two missionaries rang our doorbell. Well, I didn't know that at first. There was a chinese guy who spoke to me in halting Malay, then the mat salleh guy accompanying him asked if I could speak English. Having replied the affirmative, he asked me if I had heard of God's name. All this while I was standing barefoot in my pajamas with smudged glasses and messy hair(belum mandi).

We talked a bit more, then he asked to read me a line from the Scriptures(?), to which I said sure, why not. He seemed somewhat surprised that I agreed and all the more nervous. He fumbled with his Bible, his voice was hushed and a bit shaky while he read, his eyes were blue.

When we were done he thanked me for my time and bade me good day, while I smiled and wished him the same. I guess most other houses they'd visited must have given them a frosty treatment, they seemed very surprised and nervous with my courtesy, like they weren't used to it.

Did you see the Nadal/Verdasco match just now? Insane. Not that I'm a tennis follower(or any sport, for that matter), but it was grueling. 5 hours! And hear ye, hear ye: When watching such a match, it is best not to sit next to Rafa's most impassioned supporter(a.k.a. my sister). It can get ugly. If you must do so, sit quietly, and make not any sudden movements.

Danish pastry. Now there's a thought.

Lila Fowler

I am giving myself a maximum of 13 minutes to do a post.13 and then slumber beckons.

To the uninitiated, this is a moleskine book:
'Moleskine is the legendary notebook used for the past two centuries by great artists and thinkers, including Van Gogh, Picasso, Hemingway and Chatwin.'-main description you'll find under moleskine's official website when you google it.

I'd show you the nice doodles in moleskine notebooks I've seen but they are all personal sketches of people I blog stalk so it's really not my right to do so.

***

Ya Allah, terima kasih kerana mengurniakan saya seorang ibu yang boleh masak kari ikan yang memang kick ass.

***

I went to the supermarket with my mom yesterday. We grabbed a trolley and started looking for the things on her grocery list. We reached the veggie and fruit section, mom parked the trolley at the side while we looked for tomatoes, daun sup,etc. Then she brought the stuff to the weighing counter to get them priced, so I headed back to where she parked the trolley to bring it around. I got back to mom pushing the trolley, she looked down into it and gave me a quizzical look, saying "Eh. That's not my things in there", something of that sort, and for a minute I froze before the obvious kicked in and I realized I had taken someone else's shopping cart. I quickly reversed the trolley with the intention of returning it back to where I had taken it.

Then I turned and saw some guy with his hands outstretched towards me. Sigh. I screeched out a "Soreeeeee!", pushed the trolley in his general direction and ran away as fast as I could.

Mim alif lam wau.

***

Aurora borealis.
To be able to see this someday? who knows.

Tell me where did you not see the signs?

Becky spies on Mr. Bunny

One thing I like about Channel V is the decent airplay time they provide for regional acts and their efforts to promote said acts. Thanks to them, I've got my eye set on two bands, the first being Electrico, who come from Singapore. Check out their song Hail to the Friends, it has this nice touch at the end where trumpets(horns?) are thrown it.

Lencongan: I think trumpets/horns are brilliant. While I don't have the desire to play it myself, I find that they add a superb additional layer to a song, or help define the song's crescendo. Think John Mayer's I Don't Trust Myself With Loving You, Fake Empire by The National(this one is particularly awesome), and Postcards From Italy by Beirut. Have trumpets/horns ever let us down? NO.

The second band I've had the good fortune to come across(they're already pretty big but I'm ketinggalan as usual) is Up Dharma Down, from the Philippines. I actually just came across them today, so I haven't found out much, but I'm listening to Every First Second, and I must proclaim here that I am totally feeling it. Singer Armi Millare has a smashing voice. If I were to describe the song, I'd say it sounds dangerous, intense, sexy, slightly sad. To me anyway.

Whee. I'm so happy there's good music everywhere.

***

I am very envious of people who take good photos. And people who can doodle beautifully in their Moleskine notebooks.

Lencongan kedua: Back when I first heard it until quite recently, I used to think Moleskine notebooks were actually mole-skin notebooks. As in, they were made out of the skin of this animal:

Morbid, yes.

Alamak, after typing and deleting the paragraph that was to come here over a dozen times, I am now just too sleepy to actually finish it.

Goodnight.

Frankie

There was this one time I blogged about this old shoe box I have, where I keep any paraphernalia that has sentimental value to me. I haven't looked at the box since that last post, but today I was looking for something to paste in my journal, so I lugged the box out again. An ordinary let's-dig-through-the-past moment.

I looked through everything, and a chunk of the junk in the trunk had to with X(ceh, sejak bila aku jadi orang yang ada cerita sensasi sampai kene ada code letter ni?). X was my friend in high school. One year older, quiet in person(I rarely actually talked to him in school), very lively over the net, sent me the best emails.

Looking over the emails, the cards and the souvenirs again, I've come to realize that he was probably one of the nicest friends I ever had. The best emails. Random quotes from Oscar Wilde and lyrics of a favourite song. Dumb jokes, and the kindest words.

I screwed it up.

It is for things like these I dislike the person I was back then, because it took me too damn long to grow up. I think any ounce of common sense and maturity only appeared after high school onwards. Between childhood and the duration of high school(I call them the Crazy Years), I messed things up a lot, and X is among a number of things I particularly regret.

Ceh, is this the afternoon soap opera? No lah, I didn't do anything like get married to his brother who happened to have inherit the family fortune and then convinced him to change his will and leave everything to me, thus leaving his family penniless. Tidak.

I was just the ultimate friend-of-the-opposite-sex from hell. I was clingy, I expected too much, I was over-sensitive. I took things too seriously. Huh. So we contacted each other less frequently once he finished school, even rarer once I was done, and then we moved on to other things and didn't keep in touch. That was that.

I'm sorry I was so stupid. He was one of the nicest friends I ever had.

***

Totally digging BreakEven by The Script. Screw you music snobs.

***

Becky is finally coming around! Displaying increasing signs of a magnificent manja attitude, she neatly arranged herself between mom and kakak to snooze while we were watching American Idol.

Speaking of cats, I met the cat with the handsomest face I'd ever seen at Miss Salmi's house the other day. I wish I had taken a picture! When I saw him, I thought it was the most macho face on a cat I'd ever seen. He wasn't a Persian or a cat of some sort of pedigree or anything, he was just a normal grey and white cat with a stumpy tail and some healed wound scars on his body from previous cat fights. But he had the most perfect face, and he was a tremendously nice cat. He always heeded Miss Salmi's calls, he would lazily blink at her(a smile!), and at other times he would act like a kitten, playing and jumping about and pawing wooden logs.

As I told kakak, I may have encountered my True Love, who unfortunately happens to be in the form of a cat.

Pasang the fairy lights

Kakak brought me to this swing-dance class for beginners a few days ago.

We learnt the basics for Charleston swing dancing. Learning the Charleston(is that right? Do I call it THE Charleston?) was fun. It made me hot and sweaty, and it was awkward since we had to rotate partners every few minutes(the hotness and the sweatiness did not help-maybe if I was a latina goddess it might have, but oh well), but it was fun.

The real nice moment came afterwards. After the Charleston class was done, there was another class for more experienced dancers, (which kakak attended), and then there was a social, where everyone was invited to just swing and be merry.

I was sitting on a bench during the social(since I had no other knowledge of swing dance except the Charleston steps I'd just learnt, there really was no point asking someone to dance, was there?), watching the others do their thang, and it was cool. It was COOL. At one point they were playing this version of Cheek to Cheek(it's this gorgeous song that Fred Astaire sings while dancing with Ginger Rogers in one of their movies), the lights had been dimmed, people were swing-dancing freestyle on the floor, and it was just awesome. To think that you can just ask someone, or be asked to dance; and then glide along to the music, without thinking except to follow and respond to your partner leading, it just seems so enjoyable. I think at one point I was smiling stupidly to myself watching this terrer couple dance, and I thought "whoah, I get it. I get it!".

And what I meant by that was I understood what my sister was talking about when she told me some time ago that when she got married she wouldn't want a silat performance or anything, she'd rather just have a big dance floor and swing dance her husband. I would totally want to do that now too! Swing dancing is great, and I'd be hooked if it weren't such an expensive hobby. And I'm not saying this from a sentimental point of view wholly, though it would be nice to think of it that way. The thought of swing dancing with 'the one' invokes wistful daydreams and unrealistic expectations, but that's crap waiting to be written another day.

The point is, I would love to be able to hear a really good song, start tapping my toes, catch the eye of the person beside me, and somehow convince him/her(be it kakak, dad, a cousin, the cute guy at the dance class, or the guy who looked freakishly similar to my old GP teacher) to dance with me, and we'd just swing! Damn. that would be fun.


***


I'm trying to wrap my head around Palestine, Israel, and the associating branches of Gaza, the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Fatah, West Bank,etc. For all the suffering endured by the people in Gaza, I feel like I at least owe it to them to understand properly what they're going through and what led up to the airstrikes, and not just offer blind sympathy. But it's a bit confusing, and it's times like these where I need a Nani or a Shao Min(them informative folk) to explain it to me.

buat penat je belajar komponen sastera

Semalam kami dapat kucing baru
Hendak namakan Tun Teja.
Malangnya tidak jadi(kami memanggilnya Becky)
Kerana itulah nama yang ia sudah biasa.

Tadi saya ada tinggikan suara saya
Pada ayah, kerana saya marah.
Tapi ketika menaip pantun ini
Saya sudah berasa serba salah.

Tadi ayah saya bawa Becky keluar
Biarkannya meneroka laman.
Apabila nampak sang arnab, Becky takut
Dan dengan Mr. Bunny dia enggan berkawan.

Saya cuba membuat kek berpuding
Sepatutnya ada dua lapis berwarna terang.
Tapi tidak menjadi, saya patah hati
Jadi kek itu saya buang.

Hari ini saya banyak tulis dalam diari saya
Dengan tulisan yang begitu buruk.
Kalaulah orang lain baca diari itu
Tentu mereka ingat ia ditulis beruk.

Muka saya ada banyak jerawat
Saya rasa sungguh tak puas hati.
Bila-bila saya terpandang cermin
Terus muncul perasaan geli.

Saya pergi tukar warna blog saya
Gatal pergi pilih warna kelabu.
Kadang-kadang bila saya tengok semula
Blog saya nampak hodoh macam jelebu.

Saya senang naik angin pada hari ini
Baru sedikit kena dah merajuk
Tambahan pula, saya bengang
Sebab saya sangat gemuk.
(Damn)

Saya nak menari banyak-banyak
Saya nak baring atas rumput sambil dengar lagu
Saya nak pergi taman permainan terdekat
Dan naik buaian laju-laju.

Pantun saya sangat bodoh
Jangan risau, saya tahu
Tapi lagi baik tulis pantun ini
Daripada post yang panjang merapu-rapu.

ok tenkiu. bye.

Strawberry Glaze

I burnt my tongue when I popped the piece of microwaved doughnut with the strawberry glaze on top into my mouth today. adoi.

I came off far more somber in the previous post than what I actually felt at the time of writing, so I'm sorry for that. I wasn't fishing for sympathy(though perhaps I was, hmmmHMMMMM), but thank you again to afnan and aijud and kero for the kind words. much appreciated.

And hey, it's come to my attention(thanks to all the prerequisite end-of-year blog posts) that we're about to dive(or perhaps just slip quietly) into 2009. well, I'll be damned. Where'd the year go to anyway?(please imagine me saying this with a southern drawl. just try!).

If this were a different point in time, I suppose I'd be all mushy and try to sum up how this year has went, and trust me, I can vouch for the fact that it would have been a very glum(and stupid) post. But for some reason I'm feeling awful chipper tonight, so maybe I can flip all this around? It would be nice to look back on this post a couple years from now and think "hey, I seemed awful cheerful back on new year's eve '08".

I know there's only a handful of you out there actually reading this(like what,5?) so I know there's no need for me to worry about sounding like a bimbo, or whether I'm supposed to talk about the more 'meaningful' aspects of 2008 that can somehow relate to you who are reading. It doesn't really matter what I write, does it? Oh, of course this post, as with every other post I publish here; will always have that tinge of self-consciousness that I detest, but I'm pretty sure that whoever that's reading this is a friend, and I hope you'll see beyond all the self-centered ramblings. Or just accept it.

While we were in Singapore, I was horsing around with kakak. At one point, I made a joke about something, and after we were done laughing, she mentioned something along the lines of how I was crazy, and am I like this around other people? And I thought about it, and I replied, "No. I'm only like this with you", to which my sister said she felt privileged to be able to see this side of me.

And that, I think, pretty much says it all. My lament for 2008. My resolution for 2009, perhaps(but what's a resolution if you have a nagging feeling deep down that you won't actively set out to achieve it?). I wish I was the way I am around my sister with all of you('you' includes all friends,acquaintances,random people, the people in the debate team, extended family members, the safeway cashier I had a crush on, everyone in general). Maybe 2008 wouldn't have been so screwed up if I was.

of course, it's not only that. You've also got to put my religious beliefs, my studies, and all the other little knick-knacks that you accumulate throughout the year into the equation. And I think I'm phrasing it wrong. It isn't the year 2008 that's screwed up. It is the person I was during the year.

Do you really believe in the power of a new year as a blank slate? If you do, it'd be nice if you could give me one in your books. I'm sorry for whatever trouble I've caused you.

Ah well.

Selamat tahun baru.

Lonely,lonely, that is me

Ola friends.

Maybe I'll figure out what to say in a few more days.

I could take the obvious approach I suppose, and tell you what I've been doing the past couple days(if you must know, it has to do with baking and fishing, in separate elements).

Or maybe I could talk about my grandfather.

My brother had a dream a couple nights back. In his dream, he was back at the tahlil we were having for my grandfather, and during the tahlil, amidst the whole thing, he saw my grandfather walking around. I was happy to hear that, for some reason.

If not, we can stick to lighter subjects. Like how I followed my sister to the swimming pool the other day. even though I can't swim. Bukankah bodoh namanya tu? Well, I can flap my arms around and attempt half-hearted kicking motions with my feet, but that's about it.

Or maybe I can just shut up about me for a change and ask you how you're doing. How are you, anyway? How was your christmas?

The Stills will be opening for Kings of Leon nanti, how bout that? though I only know 2 of their songs. But no matter. Plenty of time to listen around.

We'll finish this (one-sided) conversation sometime.

p/s:Please do not juxtapose the post title with the idea I'm being an emo garden snail. It's an excerpt from Feist's Lonely,Lonely that I can't stop humming.

p/p/s: Happy Birthday Jia Yee! I'll still message you tomorrow. But this way my wish will be doubly power.

Masrol@Mansor Bin Abdul Mutalib
05.01.1925-19.12.2008
Al-Fatihah.

Pigment sticks

Part 2 of Anna's tag,hurrah hurrah.

1. How many babies do you want?
Enough so that raya celebrations will be a merry affair.

2. What feeling do you love the most?
The pain I get in my belly from laughing too hard, the joy of listening to a really really good song, and the feeling of pleasant surprise I get when I'm doing something I was dreading and suddenly realize "hey, this isn't so bad".

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
Suicide ah? Hmm. If i were to be completely honest, I think I'm too chicken shit to commit suicide. I moan and groan and say I'm sad, but that's all mengade je lebih, so I know I won't be doing it anytime soon. Sometimes I think that's cowardly on my part, like in Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down, where the four heroes see a man jump off Topper's and realize that they wouldn't have been able to do it themselves, and are all the more fucked for it. Then again, maybe suicide itself is a cowardly act? I don't know. It's complex.

4.Who is more important to you: friend or boy/girlfriend?
No boyfriend. Even if I had one, unless my boyfriend and my friend are trapped in some life-threatening situation and somehow I only have the choice of saving either one of them, I don't see the relevance of this question.

5. What's a perfect partner to you? List 10 characteristics.
Apparently the perfect partner is an urban myth(Unless you're in a Hilary Duff movie).

6. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
I cherish those that have humbled me and made me want to change for the better.

7.What will become of you in 10 years time?
Whoah, the big three-oh! working, with someone, meeting up with my family for breakfast on a regular basis,maybe? Or if not, exactly how I am now, except 10 years older. damn, that's scary.

8.What do you hate the most?
Knowing I could have done/could be doing better, feeling foolish, embarrassing moments. and mixed veggie. Especially the peas. HA!and I HATE it when my right earphone falls out of my ear, which is often.

9. What's your goal for this year?
Linedance banyak-banyak. Get a cat. Bake something really good.

10. Who else do you want to answer these questions?
Syefik, yo. My cousin from the hood.


I'm really sleepy, so quick bedtime story:

Today when we were coming home after linedancing, we passed by a house with the gate open and I saw a beautiful black dog sitting in front of the house, facing towards the open gate with an expectant air,. Then I see that the dog's waiting patiently for a girl who was in the process of getting on her bike within the compound. Once she starts cycling out beyond the gate, the dog leaps up into the air with such obvious delight and starts tearing off down the road. Every so often it would glance back to make sure the girl was keeping up.

I know it's not much. Tapi biarlah, it was my piece of random joy for the day.

Giraffes amongst a cloudless blue sky

I've just finished watching a really smarmy christmas movie that had okay lead actors and a really bad supporting actor and it was somewhat cringe-worthy but still okay because hey, it's a christmas movie! The guy gets the girl! It's snowing! Everyone's happy! The spurned fiance only goes away with an unconvincing sad look!

Whatever happened to Duncan Sheik, anyway? And Third Eye Blind? Vertical Horizon? and Eve 6? Remember this one? I used to adore it.

Eve 6 - Heres To The Night - Various

pic from guardian.co.uk

I love Dylan Moran. Dylan Moran is coming to do a show in Melbourne. I know of no one else who loves Dylan Moran whom I can beg to teman me go see him. Persoalannya: Should I go see Dylan Moran?

Answer: Yes. Explanation(because as we all know, merely answering 'yes' or 'no' is never enough to warrant full marks): Because Dylan Moran is awesome, ticket price is still within acceptable range, and more importantly, because I will never get the chance to see him live when I finish my degree and come back home. That's reason enough, I believe. Let's see. maybe I can get tickets.

Half of Anna's tag!
1. Do you believe in eternal love?
Yes. When I was younger, back at kampung, there was a pair of angsa that roamed around freely. One day, the female angsa died. The male angsa was forlorn and died shortly after. I may be romanticizing things(we are, after all, talking about angsa here), but I like to think that was something along the lines of eternal love.

2. What would you really like to do right now?
Go dancing, free form, no inhibitions. To go back to the Bloc Party concert and sing along to Banquet again.

3. Describe yourself.
Neurotic. I never play the lead role. I am not Alice in Wonderland, Elizabeth Bennet or Marla Singer. Instead, I am the caterpillar , I'm the nondescript sister who plays the piano, I am Chloe. I have a fascination for cooking shows. I also have anti-social tendencies, and I like to whistle. I would like to go see giraffes and elephants in the wild someday.

4. What is your bad habit?
Plenty, plenty. too many. But I suppose the major ones include lack of consistency(tidak istiqamah), unoriginality, and taking a (big) bite out of anything my brother eats.

5. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Hah. I laugh. Are you kidding me? If confidence were a cup of coffee, I'd have the pathetic brown liquid made out of some obscure brand of instant coffee in a Styrofoam cup, with too little sugar and too much milk(as opposed to the stunning cappuccino made from Colombian coffee beans, served in fine bone china, with beautiful steamed milk foam at the top with a leaf pattern swirled in).

6. Favourite perfume/fragrance?
Hmmm...well, I really like the fragrance of food. However, if we must stick strictly to the type of perfume one sprays on oneself, then I guess I don't have any favourite. All perfumes usually blend together and I end up not recognizing one from the other. But I do love perfumes associated with a person. Like how Jaja usually wore a perfume by Versace(was it Versace?)to college. There was this one time in Melbourne I caught a whiff of it and I immediately thought of her.

7.What's your ambition?
To be better than this.

8. What's currently on your mind?
Something green(with earphones). Something black and white(with laces). Damn, mysterious I am.

9.Is there anything you want to tell people that hate you?
Sorry. I'll bake you cupcakes. (this only applies to those that hate me with justified reason. If not, then tak payah. Why waste my(or my mom's) flour and sugar and baking powder?)

10. What do you crave the most currently?
Not much. Some waffles and ice cream would be good. putu piring. A social life. A pimple-free face. A cat. Some more clothes. Casual indifference. Kings of Leon's first album. stuff like that.

Other half next time.

Turn the light out, say goodnight
No thinking for a little while
Let's not try to figure out everything at once
-The National, Fake Empire

Positive energy

And if we concentrate on these high moments
Maybe falling down won't be so bad.

Good things:

1. I finally got around to listening to The National's Boxer album. I don't know why I waited so patiently all this while to get the CD from my sister, I should have accosted her on a daily basis and forced her to find and give it to me ages ago. We popped it into the car stereo as we were driving home, and it opened with the beautiful Fake Empire. As of now, I'm replaying it even as I type this.

Awesome wei.









2. Parents anniversary, and we made cupcakes! Aiyo. Why so cute. They tasted ok, not great(mediocre cupcakes seem to be the story of my life), but they looked so nice(sorry for all the boasting, but you should have seen the first batch of frosted cupcakes I made. These look awesome compared to those), sayang nak makan. Props to kakak for lettering all of them. We originally wanted to spell out 'Happy Anniversary', but 'anniversary' is not a fun word to spell out letter per letter.




3. God blessed this creature with a ridiculous amount of cuteness.

Everybody's a sightseer.

Where to start where to start?

I'm glad that I've been kept sufficiently active so far for the duration of time I've been home. Today dad was kind enough to invite me along to go check out the relief center set up for the landslide victimes in Ulu Kelang. It was interesting. Helicopters airlifting food supplies and some victims to and from the evacuated area. People from all sorts of organizations(JKMN, Bulan Sabit Merah, Parlimen Ampang, Petronas). Journalists and media crews milling around.

***

I was very angry when writing the previous post. My landlord had just informed me he wanted to stop leasing the apartment to us(even though we already expressly agreed to extend the contract for next year), and I was SO MAD, it was pretty crazy. This landlord has a problem, the problem being that he's an unreliable prick, and I don't think he should be in charge of anything. I suppose that incident triggered all the pent up anger towards the number of unreliable parties I've had the unfortunate luck of having to deal with.

So I found out the stupid landlord wants to stop the lease, and I remember blinking a bit, before going upstairs and just bursting into tears, it was crazy! I know it sounds very pretentious and melodramatic, but all that pent up frustration felt like despair. I thought about my landlord and how he always gave bills when it was past the due date, and how he once made us move out of our apartment into a different one. I thought about the committee(remember the bookmark thingie?no, of course not) members who were never on time and didn't show up to help like they said they would. The leaders of the committee have yet to arrange payment for the advance I made to cover the expenses of the event. I thought about the organizers of my brother's camp who were so muddled and inefficient. Departure time was supposed to be 9am but ended up being 10 something. And I guess the waterworks and the gedik bursting into tears reaction was due to helplessness I felt in dealing with the unfairness of it all. It's unfair and it sickens me to my stomach. It's not fair that there are so many people out there who think it's ok to be this way, to be irresponsible and unreliable. How can they possibly interact and work with other people? I know I'm not the best of examples, but I think I at least try to hold up my end of the bargain adequately. I show up at the correct time, I do the work as asked, I pay the rent on time, I try to be efficient. In return, I'm not asking for the moon. I'm not asking you to do anything beyond what you are capable of. Just do your job properly,damnit! And to think there are so many people like this out there, grown-up people with jobs, university students holding leadership positions, organizations who have been in business for years. It doesn't make sense. Is this the the norm? Are reliable people the rarer species?

***

My parents are going off on a trip, just the two of them, to celebrate their anniversary. 25 years, yo. You know. I still entertain the idea of a soulmate. The idea of loving and being loved in return, marriage and kids, going through rough patches and coming out on the other side with the love still intact and all the more stronger for it. Growing old together. This idea of a ferocious love, a love that makes you snap at someone because you're worried and care for them that much. But at the same time, I also find myself seriously pondering the idea that I may not find that person, that no one will love me in that way, and therefore I will be alone. I'm only 20, but I suppose it best to be realistic. I do not want to go through life always waiting, always looking out. Ah well. tengoklah.

***

I share too much over my blog. memang pathetic.

When it's just not funny anymore

It's become a joke, hasn't it?

Unreliability.

Unreliability is when you buy food from a stall at the foodcourt run by a couple of Malay guys, who say it will be done in 7 minutes, but take 20 instead, and the food that's finally given is a pathetic representation of what it's supposed to be.

Unreliability is people saying they'll meet you at 12 o'clock, but come at 12.45 without letting you know beforehand that they'll be late. Or letting you know 5 minutes before you're due to meet. It is friends saying that they'll meet you at KL sentral at 11, but are still on a train at 11.30. It is program organizers who say that the event will start at 9 but still haven't gotten it off the ground at 10.30. It is an "important guest" who's supposed to show up to officiate the ceremony at 7.30, but have their chauffeurs drop them off at 8.30.

Unreliability is landlords who give you the electric bill past the due date, make you move unexpectedly and say you'll have the property for a particular period but then back up on their word.

Unreliability is people in a position of power who can't handle things efficiently, who are disorganized and cannot get the task done satisfactorily. Who are happy with mediocre results.

Unreliability is people saying that they'll be there when they won't. Don't say you'll be there for the sake of pretending to be nice, you retard. If you won't be there, just bloody say it.

Unreliability is people who don't reply your emails even though it's urgent, who don't keep up their end of the bargain, and don't credit you as they are supposed to.

To the alarmingly large amount of unreliable people I've met in such a short space of time, to you I say FUCK YOU. I say FUCK YOU for your unreliability, FUCK YOU for having positions of power and advantages when you don't deserve it, FUCK YOU for not being aware of the impact of you actions, or more precisely, lack of; on other people. For being aware but not doing anything about it. For thinking that the fucking wreck of a job you're doing currently is acceptable.FUCK YOU.

I have a little bit of sadness and whole lot of anger bottled up, I must get this out somehow. With things like these, unreliability and bitterness, they should be dealt with a pinch of humor, I think. Laugh it off, baby. laugh it off. In the grand scheme of things, they're nothing. Laughable nothings.

But sometimes, it's just not that funny.

Pitter-patter

1. Do you think the guitarists that play in Miley Cyrus's backup band are happy?

2. When we went back to kampung, we saw a goat tethered to a tree in front of my uncle's house. A black goat with brown wool, if you please. My siblings christened it Woolly and tried to make friends with it(to no avail). Then it turns out that Woolly was the goat destined to be slaughtered for the aqiqah my aunt was having for her newborn daughter. So, yes. We ate Woolly.

3. Today after line dancing one of the ladies asked my mother how to pronounced her name. (Rodziah). Then she points to me, asking my mom, "itu anak nama siapa? Small Rodziah?". I thought that was pretty hilarious.

4. Did you know that the producers initially wanted Reese Witherspoon to play Marla in Fightclub?

5. Kakak was playing one of her songs in the car that had a lyrics that went what's a wonderwall anyway?, which struck me as a very excellent question. What is a wonderwall?

hey,hey. it's raining. jom tido.

Let's stay home and watch cooking shows

Let's stay home and watch cooking shows. Nigella Lawson, you've captured my heart. Merely watching you crush a bar of cooking chocolate with a mezzaluna is enough to make me sigh contentedly.

Oh!oh! Guess how I spent Friday night? Well, we had to go back to kampung because my cousin was getting married. So the nikah was that friday night at the masjid near the bride's place, and we did the traditional convoy kereta secara beramai-ramai from my cousin's house. In a nutshell:

1. Our car ended up following the wrong car. So the makcik in the backseat who kept looking behind at us was not a relative as we thought she was, but may in fact have been some random person growing increasingly nervous because of the persistence of this blue chevy with a bunch of women(two of whom were carrying dulang hantaran) at tailing their car.

2. The bride's house was in a Felda settlement. So imagine, if you will, the road to the settlement, which is completely surrounded by plantations, no lamp posts at all. During the night, it is completely pitch dark, except for the headlights of passing cars, which are not that many. Now. picture this: you are in a car, trying to keep up with the car in front of you, who is going at an alarmingly face past for a road so dark. Then suddenly there's a massive hole eating into the side of the road which unfortunately you nor your mother who's driving don't spot in time to avoid, so the car runs right into it, which is a bit of shock itself, but then you realize, as you continue driving, that there's a dreadful thump-thump-thump sound. Your mother wants to pull over to check what's wrong but there are a number of factors that make her hesitate such as:
a) The car you're supposed to be following in front is still speeding along.
b) it's pitch dark and there no lay-buys on the side of the road for you to pull the car over.
c) there are no cars at all behind you.

Pendek cerita, your front left tire that went into the hole has burst and is now flat. So...yeah. I spent my birthday night in a baju kurung standing beside my mom's car watching my two cousins(who thankfully came to the rescue), with their pants rolled up and feet submerged in mud change the front tyre. Ah well. at least it was memorable, hey?

I've got a bitch of a sorethroat, which I fear might help steer this into a post that's all emo and shit(you'd be surprised how tonsils can affect writing. oh yeah, like, totally), so goodnight y'all.

oh wait! I forgot. If anyone called/messaged me on my aussie number, I'm really sorry but I apparently I can't get it. or something. of that sort. yeah.

Esok nak pegi menari lagi.

Tangerine

5 things:

1. I'm quite sleepy, and it's only 10pm. yeah man. I'm glad to give up any nocturnal activities for the sake of establishing decent sleeping patterns.

2. I followed my mom to a nearby park this morning, and joined in with the group of ladies she line dances with any available morning. Picture lots of old chinese ladies all doing the cha-cha or the waltz in a rough line. It's pretty awesome. They're so nonchalant and just go with the flow. Don't know the steps? nevermind! Just follow! And then picture the fat malay girl plonked in the middle trying to keep up. I was easily the youngest as well as the darkest one there. But it was pretty fun.

3. Aina! coldplay! Awak tak nak pegi ke?

4. I actually like Panic at the Disco's new song. Northern Downpour. They seem to be revamping their style, less crazy eye-shadow, more gentle strumming and a peaceful black and white video.


5. Why would the first words you utter after 'hi' to a person you haven't seen in 6 months be "you've put on weight!"? Do you hear me commenting about how tired you look or your perut buncit? No.

Gush Gush Gush bazir masa Gush

Quick note: I'm home. So I'll be stalking your blogs even more ardently(if that's possible) over the next three months.

But anyway.

I went to watch Bloc Party in concert on Thursday night.

Aiyo. is it possible to coherently convey how much I adored it? How awesome I thought it was? Because it was pretty. damn. awesome.

The reason I was so awe-struck may be partially due to the fact that it was after all my first proper gig, a first time seeing a band I actually like playing in front of my eyes rather than from a you tube box. But wow. wow wow wow. I thought it was amazing! The adrenaline rush, that glorious jolt you get when you recognize the opening notes of a song you love singing along to, DAYMN! It's electric. The crowd, the energy, it was just. awesome. Gila. And Kele sounded terrific(I'm trying to come up with all the synonyms for 'awesome', but everything sounds too generic and dull compared to what I actually felt). Their show in Melbourne was the first stop of their Australian tour, and so the band seemed pretty pumped up. Kele was wearing a red cap, and it was so cool watching him dance in that prancing skipping way of his during a few songs. They kept a decent level of interaction with the audience, and it was pretty obvious the whole crowd worshiped them.

The opening act for the night was Van She, and they were pretty decent. Came on stage right on the dot at 7.45 and played for about 45 minutes. The bassist, from where Azrieal and I were sitting, looked hot! I couldn't even see his face properly, but the overall effect of t-shirt, jeans, boots and slightly disheveled blond hair, along with the confident swagger while playing bass guitar was enough to make me nudge Azrieal while grinning like some quack a couple times. I felt a bit sorry for them though, the crowd was pretty lukewarm towards them and were obviously waiting for Bloc Party to start. I suppose most opening acts go through that, but I wish the crowd had been more receptive. I thought their renditions of Kelly and Changes(the only two songs I know, unfortunately) sounded good.

But then Bloc Party finally came on, and oh! It was brilliant. They played a combination of songs from all three albums, and I can't remember the last time I had as much fun in Melbourne as I had screaming along to the songs I knew. The only regrets I have were that the show wasn't longer and they didn't play a couple songs I was hoping for, like Ion Square and Kreuzberg, plus, I didn't know the lyrics to all the songs of their set list. But it was still fantastic. When the opening drum beats for The Prayer rolled I started squealing like a stuck pig, gesticulating wildly to Azrieal and shaking from side to side like some neanderthal. And Banquet! You could hear everyone screaming simultaneously "Cause I'm on FIRE!" along with Kele(yours truly included, punching fist in the air and all), and that was truly one of the highlights of the night for me. Other great parts was when they had green laser lights flashing during Flux, and also Ares, which  is this unbelievably catchy song from the new album, and I'm super glad they played it.

Superb!It was far better than what I expected, my hats off to Bloc Party. For a first gig in Melbourne, I couldn't have been more satisfied or pleased. Oh, and thanks to Azrieal for coming with me! I never did thank you properly. Grazie.

Ok. I'm done gushing. Sorry, I keep going on like some jakun cow, but I was(and still am) so stoked. It was doubly cool because some of the songs which I hadn't particularly taken to when I first listened to them, like Mercury, Hunting for Witches and such, just sounded great played live. And like I said, Kele's voice was spot on that night, hitting every note and screech perfectly.

Shame on Festival Hall's (the venue of the concert) sound crew though. The sound on our side of the venue kept cutting out during the early part of the band's set, which was a bit annoying.

But yeah. Aside from that, it was great. And I can't wait for  similar experiences like I had that night. Which brings me to the second piece of good news. Guess who got tickets to go see her(dare I say) favourite band?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Kings of Leon, I'm coming to see you!(and I want to have your babies!)

Oklah, the Kings of Leon concert will be a monstrously massive event, held at Rod Laver arena(as opposed to the somewhat more intimate setting for Bloc Party at Festival Hall), but still. I simply cannot wait. 

Sigh. I'll be missing the Arctic Monkeys though. They're playing in January. But oh well. 

I had nasi beriyani kambing today. Boleh tick off the list.

Cornea

Perfect scene with perfect music(Where Is My Mind by The Pixies). Gorgeous.

I finally managed to borrow Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club from the library, and got around to finishing it this morning after breakfast. You do not need my take on it.

Raymond K.K. Hessel, your dinner is going to taste better than any meal you've ever eaten, and tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life.
-from Fight Club

After finishing the book, I moved on to the copy of Man and Boy I bought at Camberwell market for 4 dollars(picture smug look of someone who's scored a bargain). Maybe that was a bad idea. Maybe reading Fight Club left a lingering sense of cynicism that does not mesh well with the family-themed Man and Boy. I don't know. I'm about a third through the book, and so far it's a tad predictable and a bit frustrating. But I still have two-thirds to get through so maybe I'll like it the more I read.

I'm in a bit of a bind here regarding my course choice. I'm wondering whether I should do finance. The idea of not doing economics anymore conjures a profound sense of loss(a feeling inspired thanks to my kickass macro lecturer, Nilss Olekalns). But if I were to actually do economics, alongside accounting, where would that put finance? hmm. And what about French? Can I do a concurrent diploma in languages? Not likely. Hmm. This is all a bit confusing, and I really wish I had a donut/roti john/maggi kari dengan telur to munch on at the moment while pondering this particular conundrum.

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
and when she passes each one she passes goes 'oooh'.

Hohohoho. Baru teringat, I have some raspberry tartlets in the pantry. Nak makan sambil baca Man and Boy. Selamat malam, semua.

Peacocks

I'm singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again.

I watched Singin' In the Rain again.

****

Facebook is fast becoming a prime place for examples of things that bug me. Observe: Lelaki A puts up a picture of him and a foreign girl on his profile. It is then bombarded with comments like these:

Lelaki B: Wei xxx! Boleh tahan miang hang ni.
Lelaki C: Perh..xxx makan sorang wei. Boleh tahan.
Lelaki D: kawan tak kawan. janji layan.haha.

I think it's self-explanatory what comments like the above make me feel.

but just in case you don't know, it makes me think 'fucktards'. It's a bit too frustratingly melayu, if that makes any sense.
****

I wish Kings of Convenience would come out with a new album already.

****

When you're supposed to be studying for an exam, you are magically bestowed with numerous ideas for blog posts and there isn't an hour that goes by without something popping into your head and snatching your focus away from macroeconomic theories to a quirky fact or an incident you wish to write about. And you think 'oh yes! I'll blog about all this when I'm done with exams!HAHAHAHA!'(diabolical laughter varies with the individual in question). But when you're actually done with exams, as expected, all those ideas vanish. ah well.

****

Camberwell and Chapel Street tomorrow. Oh, yes. I must start making my list:

1. Nasi Ayam.
2. Nasi Kandar(yang dekat sungei wang).
3. putu piring.
4. ayam masak merah.
5. Kuey teow goreng from Sila Rasa.
6. Goreng pisang(yang jual kat depan masjid tu)
7. Nasi lemak and paru.
8. Yong tau foo(plenty of suay kow)
9. Masak lemak pucuk manis.
10. Nasi beriyani(if possible, with kari kambing).
11. chicken and mushroom sizzling noodles from some random foodcourt.
12. whopper.
13. chicken hor fun.
14. pengat durian and roti jala.

Kakak. I'm going to mark off this list, and you're going to help me. hooray hooray!

Saya tepuk tangan untuk Encik Obama.

You know what scares me?

Having your uncle add you on facebook, that's what.

Hasil titik peluh for the night!

Buruk. Tapi bangga,yo. Flowcharts DO require some form of ability. yeah. like knowing how to separate things in columns and draw multiple little symbols . and arrows, mustn't forget those.

Tapi bila dah disemak, dah tak bangga dah. If you can't see, there are an abundance of red scribbles, squiggles, and conteng2 correction marks.

Oh!Oh! recent good thing. I donated blood the other day! hooray. My donation has apparently saved 3 people. Kakak was right, it makes you feel all nice and charitable. And I got a free milkshake. So, menurut penaakulan saya:

Blood + Donation = Free Milkshake + overall sense of nobility.

Not bad, not bad.

Esok? and the next day? with a little bit of faith and a little less sleep, I think I can just about cover what's needed. Whether I actually properly understand and can answer questions is another story, but takpe! takpe.

Mari kita recap on Coldplay awesomeness, by listening(or, if you're not ketinggalan like me, re-listening) to Warning:


You were an island, and I passed you by.
You were an island to discover.

Coldplay ni terrer lah.

I should be asleep. Ok, you lot. Selamat belajar, selamat menghadapi peperiksaan/mesyuarat/kelas perancis/hidup/etc, dan jangan risau. everything will be ok. Have a decent week!

Adoi.

Aku rasa kan, inilah pengalaman aku paling stress nak belajar untuk exam, tak termasuk mock exams untuk A2 dulu. That feeling of near-hysteria because the time you have left is not proportionate to the number of chapters to be read.

Takkanlah stress sangat kot? Aku dah lalui SPM. Dah buat A levels. Sampai uni pun boleh kabut lagi ah?

Boleh. Memang boleh.

My mind is still switching mindsets, the war between panicking and the rationale that I can finish reading macro and law is still raging, even while I study.

Kalau tak dapat H1 untuk semua subject satu dosa yang terlalu besar ke? Kenape aku takut sangat? Bukannya aku tak pernah gagal. Form 4 selalu je fail add maths. AS dulu dapat B untuk accounting. It's not as if the world fell apart,did it? Apa yang aku takut sangat?

Takut sebab kalau aku tak cemerlang dalam exam ni, my self-worth will deplete ke? Itu ke yang membuatkan aku takut nak terfikir pun the aspect of getting bad grades?

Haih, Atiqah. Berapa kali kau dah lalui semua ni. Ape yang kau takut sangat. Ape yang kau risau sangat.

Aku tahu. Kau takut kalau kau gagal, kau kene hadapi these thoughts:

1. Kau boleh buat lebih baik, tapi kau bodoh sangat pergi bazir masa. Tak reti-reti lagi macam mana nak urus diri. Camne nak gelar diri grown up kalau urus masa pun tak boleh?

2. Regret is a hard pill to swallow.

3. Kalau kau tak mampu nak score, kau rasa diri kau bodoh. Jadi the things that you have got going for you akan berkurang even more. Macam mana nak justify diri kau as a person? Not talented, not many friends, not exceptional, not attractive, and now, not even capable to do well in exams. (Tapi ni exaggeration semata-mata, iaitu fikiran aku bila aku tengah betul-betul rotting in self-pity. Jangan risau. I'm not that self-centered all the time. I'm fully aware I have more than plenty to be grateful for).

Aku tahu, aku terlalu menaruh harapan pada keputusan peperiksaan to justify that I can achieve things. Aku rasa sifat ni terbit dari semashur la kot. That feeling you get when you can tell someone thinks you're intellectually inferior, but tries to humor you anyway, aku temui kat situ. It's a bit soul-crushing.

Tapi itu cerita lama. Yang penting, aku kene habis study pasal flowcharts malam ni. Esok, start baca pasal economic growth.

Ayuh!

Interchangeable Mindsets

Optimistic mantra:

This will all be over by next Friday
This will all be over by next Friday
This will all be over by next Friday.

Doom-and-gloom mantra:

I'm screwed
I'm screwed
I'm screwed.

It's a toss up.