Senang hati

i feel a bit tired.

either that, or i'm exaggerating so as not to feel guilty about diverting time that could have been spent studying towards blogging instead.

i went to badminton club practice on monday night with shao and tai. it was in the multi-purpose hall at college. anyway, usually the hall is reserved for the badminton club for practices, but on that day the students from monash were also using it to practice for their cultural night. there were quite a number of people, most of them seated on the stands on the upper half of the hall. so we played on as usual, using three courts.

When we started playing, i realised i was feeling nervous. i was playing on the third court, smack centre in the hall. i remembered how it was back at school. i'd never dare to play in front of a crowd, especially a crowd with guys, because they wouldn't hesitate to scrutinize your mistakes and laugh when you played wrong. i remember playing tennis at the courts and a couple of guys were clearly annoyed/amused and considered me as wasting precious court space because i wasn't terrer and couldn't hit properly. that ended up with me flushing with embarassment and giving up the court to go to the practice wall instead.

that monday night was a hallmark for me because i realized it was the first time since school finished that i wasn't nervous or pressured or bajet control just because a lot of people were there and could see if i made mistakes.

it was the first time i realized that finally, i didn't give a damn at that moment about other people and what they might think of me. main je la. kalau u miss a hit, just pick the shuttle up and play on. and i stopped being so self-concious. no one was watching anyway, they were rehearsing. and even if they watched, so what? macamla they've never slipped up in public before themselves. AND, even if they DID catch me slip up and commented on how i played with mean remarks, seriously, who gives a sh**?

all feelings of apprehension just vanished when i realized that. and badminton practice became a helluva lot more fun.

i know i've been bashing semashur life a lot, and i'm sorry about that. i'm not saying that semashur didn't teach me anything, because it sure did. it taught me tons of stuff.

but as days pass on i am beginning to fall in love more and more with life OUTSIDE semashur. it's like i'm learning confidence(screw all those motivation camps and ceramah that told us to be berkeyakinan diri) all over again.

yelah, life isn't peachy. there are still bad mood days. i still complain about stuff, (mostly just self-centred thingies). there are still days where i put '3 libras' on and curse a lot. i'm nowhere near the person i'd like to be. but in general, secare kesuluruhannye, i think i'm actually HAPPY. happy in a way i haven't been before.

at least, i think i am. Alhamdulillah. i'll take what i can get.