falling slowly

thursday night, and i can't sleep.

i've just finished watching Once, managed to borrow it from the library. aijud/kakak/nani/whoever watched this movie and said it was nice, i must concur. i liked it very much. and i thought that the ending scene, with Falling Slowly playing in the background was spot on.

trivia. did you know that song won an Oscar for best original song?

I must say, it's one of those songs that manages to lift your spirits. it's such a sad but hopeful song.

hey. i tag you. list down something that makes you happy, or cheers you up a bit. tell me something i wouldn't know. let's make it three things.

for me:

1. the word 'tranquil'. it reminds me of turning a bottle filled with water upside down, and the bubble of air goes to the other end of the bottle.

2. the way Homer Simpson looks so intelligent when he wears glasses to read something.

3. the smell of flour and i like to eat raw chocolate chip cookie batter.

ok?tell me. i mean YOU. nani, aijud, fiqah, anna, aki, syefik, kero, al, firdaus, kakak, kye, aman, shao and jia yee(even though we're roommates, type it out for me anyway!), elaine and wee(if you're reading), wuil ling and wei leong, boon xian, inaaz, diyana izzati :), sal, afnan, juwa, fatin, syiqin, fifa. anonymous readers(if i have any, which i doubt but hey, a girl can be delusional), you're super welcome as well.

i'm listing everyone i know that may be reading(or not) so that you'll take this request seriously. jot down 3 things(or more!) that membuatkan anda gembira. can be something major, or just something really small or silly, whatever goes. write it on your blog or just pop it in the comment box. no need to tag other people if you don't want to, just consider it a favour to me, yah? i'm genuinely curious.

maybe we'll have something in common.

I was thinking of doing one of those emo posts, yesterday, albeit a slightly cheerful one, because after all, it's the start of a new semester. a fresh beginning(well, not as fresh as a new year, but i'll take anything i can get), a sign that it's time to change! it's our cue to morph into that beautiful butterfly(in other words, a person that's smart, funny, independent, matured,etc.) we've been waiting to turn into ever since we cocooned ourselves and went to sleep several lifetimes ago.

why i have this mindset that it takes the start of something new to be the catalyst for change is beyond me, but there you have it. but anyway, i then lost the will to blog and decided to snuggle up with my Agatha Christie book and 4 keping biskut marie instead.

This morning, as i sat on my bed -the apartment all quiet because my roommates had left for class- i was struck(well, not struck. more like, gently nudged) by this slight feeling of dread. what triggered it? the fact that i was thinking of the things to do today, and on top of the list was to go get meat, a fortnightly activity i usually end up doing alone.

aisy! in that one thought it all came crashing back. alone. now i could identify what that nagging feeling at the back of my mind was when i thought about coming back to melbourne the last few days i was in KL. how could i forget? this dread of being alone. of solitary trips to get meat. walking on my own to uni. hearing people all around me in lectures talking to each other while i stare straight ahead, willing the lecturer to hurry up and begin.

for someone so anti-social, it's funny how i dislike this solitude i've brought upon myself.

***

"but you're in melbourne!", i can hear H exclaiming to me, frustrated with my lack of enthusiasm to go back, frustrated with me as a person. "it's supposed to be fun".

***

things haven't been so great. well, they've been fine, but at times it seems like i'm in deep shit, and that feeling of self-loathing doesn't really go away. I know i am being selfish for having the audacity to feel sad because let's face it, i have no problems. no proper ones, anyway. and knowing i am selfish adds to the reasons i dislike myself.

but i think it's fair to say this in itself may pose as a problem. i complain and then i get mad at myself for complaining, which in turn causes me to complain... .and it seemed that as long as i kept this to myself and not let loose my insanity upon other people, it'd be fine. but it gets tiring. i am growing tired of being sad and then being mad because of feeling sad. it's a frustrating cycle.

but hey. it's a new semester. and while you and i both know new semesters mean squat in the grand scheme of things, it's still something. it's time for something different. it's time to go back to God, and say sorry, and hope He'll forgive me again. and it's time to hope this blog won't be a hallmark of hypocrisy. and it's time to hope the self-loathing stops. it's time to be a better friend. it's time to be a better person.

Rilo Kiley explains it so well. thank you to kye's friend who put it up on her blog, who'll never read this but i hope my gratitude will get through. telepathically, perhaps.


Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you love things just because
Like the sick and dying

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them

Rilo Kiley - Better Son/Daughter

Mind the Gap

Part E(E for England!)

but beforehand, i just want to share the joy of listening to this gem of a song. Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong's duet for Summertime, which was actually composed by Gershwin! for an opera.

A song to make anyone wrap their hands around someone and slow dance to. a version of jazz i can fully appreciate.

London. I liked London very much. Mind you, we didn't stay there for that long, so i didn't actually get around to seeing much of it. but the bit that i did see, i liked.

The first day we arrived there, we took the tube to Liverpool Station, and then walked to the hotel we were staying at, maneuvering through alleys and roads, all the while dragging our luggage( can you imagine a time before bags had wheels?).

I, for one, am super impressed by their tube system.

Stayed there for a night, then the next day we took a flight to Rome. this is where we took the picture that has become my favourite out of all the pictures we took while on vacation.

While waiting for the bus to take us to the airport.

I know it's not a picture of a London sight or anything, but who cares. can't remember what we were laughing at, but we were laughing. and that makes me happy whenever i look at it.

When we got back from Rome, stayed in London for a couple more nights. spent a day walking along Oxford Street, which is where all the shops are, phwoar. Sale season on Oxford Street is madness. me and mom literally had to tear ourselves from the shops.

Oh! Dad managed to get tickets for us to go watch Agatha Christie's The Mousetrap at St. Martin's theatre while we were there!so that was awesome. my very first play. Apparently it's the longest-running play ever.

And, of course, we went to kakak's graduation.

in full regalia.

my sister's all grown up. haih. excuse me while i go ponder the passing of time, the eternal circle of life, how she used to look like a boy and how i bit her butt when i was four.

couple more rome pics.

Colosseum at night.

See those statues? They were all around at St. Peter's Square. Bernini's sculptures of saints. there were about 144(144 ke? hmm. a lot la) of them.

Thank you to kakak for for taking care of all the arrangements for the trip. Thank you dad for letting me come along.Thank you God for letting it all go smoothly and keeping everyone safe.

I'd never fully realized how good Coldplay's The Scientist is. hmm. My sister says their new album is goooood. but then again, she got to see them live(twice!bloody front row seats!), so her opinion might not be so objective.

I DO have a soul somewhere inside me, you know. i'm not plastic. but i feel like it sometimes. Songs like The Scientist help melt the plastic a little bit.

cheers, to a new term. may it be better for everyone.

beberapa gambar

all pictures courtesy of my dad. the only one rajin enough to wield the camera tirelessly.

these are from rome(I hope you like these, aijud! go to rome!)

Colosseum

Ruins(durr). See the aquaduct?

The tribute monument to Vittorio Emmanuel II! I know the pic doesn't really do the building justice, but spot the the goddess on the chariot at the top!

Behold, the girl trying to get a piece of food stuck to her teeth out with her tongue or something. and the buffoon chomping pizza. (guess what the topping was. potatoes!yergh. not a good combination, in my opinion).

Trevi fountain.
Spanish steps, baby.
another picture of me unattractively stuffing myself while my sister does a face. gotta love/hate/find it irritatingly amusing.
St Peter's Square

Pompei! And that, my friend, is the volcano Mount Vesuvius that buried the place. Last errupted in 1944.

More next time. and some london pics.

I'm back to melbourne tomorrow.

I think i need to perk up. yesterday before falling asleep, i was thinking of calling up the Befrienders, for God's sake.

This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own too long

Won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing "ain't this life so sweet"

This year's love had better last.

excerpts from David Gray's This Year's Love. Haiya. whack me on the head with the sentimental shovel, why don't you.

Prossima Fermata

Part I(I for Italy!)

Section R(R for Rome!)

Oh, where do I start. I suppose I can start by saying that Italians fascinate me. they seem languid, fashionable, confident, have a penchant for dressing standards that outstrips the decency standard-by how much depends on where you're from. and the language! I'd never really taken an interest in Italian, but after hearing it properly all around me in Rome, i must concede that it really is a beautifully expressive language, i love the way it's all lilting and lolls around the tongue.

The sights? of course, the first place we went to was the Colosseum. this must be one of the most touristy spots on the entire planet. don't be afraid to be caught dead looking like those frightful tourists you see sometimes-go ahead and wear those shorts, clip on the fanny pack, sling your big-ass SLR around your neck and wear a cap and a backpack, almost two-thirds of the people around you are dressed exactly alike! The Colosseum itself is impressive, of course, but i suppose the whole experience was a bit tainted by the fact that it's so touristy to the point of being suffocating.

But i think it's awesome how Rome has ruins and sculptures and arches and aqueducts and whatnot scattered all over the place(there were even ruins they turned into cat shelters!). I think one of the sights that had me most awe-inspired was the Vittorio Emmanuel II monument(which is actually not ancient so to speak, built recently in 1911), which just takes grand to a whole new level. I mean, it IS quite a monstrous building, all big and square, but I love the statue at the top of a woman with wings(a goddess, apparently), riding a chariot pulled by four horses. it's beautiful. It's crazy awesome, as Demetri Martin would say.

Another brilliant building was the Pantheon. Go inside, and you'd see how stunningly perfect it's built.

of course, how could i forget to mention these? St Peter's Square(hello Bernini!), Vatican City, the Spanish Steps, Trevi Fountain.

We took a day trip out to Naples!and!and!we went to POMPEI!

ignorance alert: i actually thought Pompei was an island(must have confused it with Krakatoa) and was somewhere in Greece. i didn't even know the city was preserved under all the volcano ash and whatnot when it erupted. i was under the impression the island just blew up or sunk into the sea or something(once again, may have been confusing it with Krakatoa). i blush with embarrassment.

Pompei was amazing. the ruins were just as awe-inspiring as Siem Reap's Angkor Wat. it was fantastic. well, i loved it. the American family we passed by had a teenage son complaining "it's so damn hot", which was true, because it was damn hot, but i think it was worth it.

Despite all the walking and successive visits from one place to the next, there was still time for some contemplation and a little ruminating. like this thought: it's hard to find someone you truly feel at ease with. someone who you feel can understand you or at least tries to just as much as you try for them. so when you do meet someone like that, i suppose it's best to hold on tightly. don't let them slip away, or if they do anyway, don't let them go without the knowledge you tried to give it a go.

sometimes i read random peoples' blogs and i see how they're always expressing affection for various different people so heartily and frequently, and sometimes i think:"alah, macam betul je you have that many friends you're so super close with. i bet it's superficial", and that's the cynical(and dengki, i suppose) side of me talking, and sometimes i think:"you lucky bastard/bitch. why is it so easy for you to find so many people you're so comfortable with?".

anyway, Rome is awesome. there were tons of places we didn't get the chance to visit, like the Villa Borghese and St Angelo's bridge,etc, there's just so many things to see.

p/s:the title of the post, 'Prossima Fermata', is actually italian for 'next stop'. we rode the metro in rome quite a lot, so i grew quite used to the automated speaker saying "prossima fermata, .....(name of next stop)".

Countdown to the dissappointment

thanksgiving! the feeling of imminent dread has passed, for the moment at least, so let's toast one another with our glasses, link our arms and take a sip.

in the week and a half i've been back, i've managed to gain weight. it even invoked some sort of mini depression(oklah, it wasn't depression but just let me be melodramatic for a second), the kind where you think you're ugly. uglier. whatever. and you think you're so monstrous you scare people away. like literally, i could have sworn people moved away when i stood next to them. haih. woe befalls the ogress.

i dread the day i have to go see the relative who, almost without fail comments on my weight every time she sees me.

"Ayang...you've put on weight ah?"

and i dream of the day i can respond to that relative by giving her my brightest smile and say

"ah-ah xxxxxx, i guess i have. it's funny kan how i seem to gain weight every time you see me? at the rate this is going, tak lame lagi i'll meletup".

Say Anything's Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too has been on constant replay, and while the lyrics make me slightly uncomfortable(who on earth wants to sing a song about a guy listening to a girl touch herself over the phone?), i totally dig the combination of just drums and the keyboard.

haircut, the (pointless) story.

I went to cut my hair. After constant but gentle prodding by my mother as well as grandmother ("ni taknak potong rambut ke ni?rimas la"), i had to concede that i was beginning to look like an english sheepdog once more(happens every time i keep my hair long), so off we went to the salon.

it's a long story, but i ended up at a salon where the stylists spoke practically no english (they're from china), but prodded at my hair(and head) so enthusiastically, i hadn't the heart to get up from the chair and leave. at one point there were three people simultaneously lifting strands of my hair and massaging my head and neck up to a point i burst out laughing(but i recovered quickly,so no worries).

now, i have a bad history with hair stylists. the thing is, when it comes to hair, i'm clueless. i don't care how you cut my hair, just make it look nice. when a stylist tries to explain to me how layering will make my face look longer, or how i should change my parting, i'll thoughtfully nod my head while they speak-as if i'm actually considering how the haircut will turn out- before cutting in and saying "ok!". and when they're done turning my hair into a poodle or making me look like a man, i'll pay and say thank you through gritted teeth before rushing off and vowing to be more assertive the next time i cut my hair. only to repeat the whole cycle again a couple months later when i finally get around to the salon again.

so unfortunately, the same thing happened again. but it's not so bad, i guess. my hair looks like a cross between a mushroom and Carol Brady's hair(you know...the mom from The Brady Bunch?). it actually looks kind of cute, and if i were one of those tiny adorable kawaii girls who flashes the peace sign every 2 seconds, it would totally work, but who am i kidding! i'm the sullen malay ogress. hear me roar. and watch as my ridiculous hair flicks around as i shake my head from side to side.

i'm off on a trip tomorrow. i hope it's fun!

Shit i'm scared about my results.

souls made in china

Ayam masak kicap. check.

masak lemak pucuk manis. check.

nasi lemak and paru. double check.

KFC!check!!

roti canai. check.

asam laksa. check.

pengat durian!check!

mee kari. check.

nasi ayam. check.

Belum check:
Nasi kandar.
Nasi briyani.
Yong tau foo.
Putu piring.
Ayam masak merah.
Burger king. i want to murder a whopper. whopper jr. no, a whopper.
Kuay teow goreng yang sedap.
mangga.

anti-social tendencies are increasing in frequency. worrying. very worrying.

i can't see them, but mosquitoes are feasting on my legs.

I wish we had uniformed spellings for all english words. that way the stupid squiggly red lines won't appear when i type out 'favourite', rather than 'favorite'. and i wouldn't have to remember which one uses 'z' and which one uses 's'. realized? realised? paralyze? paralyse? I get the feeling that there are different spellings because the americans and the british masing-masing were too cocky to bow down to the other party's way of spelling. Submit to their way? as bloody if. no, we'll just maintain our own spelling methods. who cares about the inhabitants of all the other countries who might want to write in english.

at this moment, there's not enough hours in a day.

I've had the opportunity to go to a few malaysian philharmonic orchestra shows, and the only show that managed to make me sit up and pay attention to the whole thing was the one that featured a pianist(some famous terrer dude) who played this effing awesome piece by Maurice Ravel(La Valses Nobles et Sentimentales) and i also remember he played this trio of preludes by Gershwin, which was also fantastic. The rest of the shows, unfortunately, have become nothing but a memory of boredom. I feel somewhat guilty about this because the pieces played at those other shows were mostly by composers like Mozart or Bach who are akin to being the Elvis Presley or Jimi Hendrix of classical music and i can't even get through one of their sonatas without my mind wandering off. Sorry, Mr Mozart. Sorry, Senor Bach. Their music is amazing, i'm sure, but i just haven't learned to appreciate it properly.The first 10 minutes of any of those shows would be fine, but after that i'd grow bored and start fidgeting. to get through it i'd usually watch the audience members in front me, especially those people who'd be really into the music up to the extent of closing their eyes and bobbing their heads along with the symphony.

Anyway, i reckon if i went to a Ryuichi Sakamoto show, or if the philharmonic orchestra decided to showcase his compositions, i doubt i'd be whiling the minutes away by watching bobbing heads. no. because ryuichi sakamoto kicks ass. I was gushing about his piece Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence a while back, did you listen to it? probably not, but i so wish you would. and i wish you'd listen to Railroad Man, which is this other piano piece which is just so pretty and sad and a bit hopeful all at the same time, gah.

oklah. i'll make it easier for you.

take a hint and press the play button. but only if you trust my music taste, because if not it'd just be a waste of your time.

I do realize sometimes that i'm over-doing this whole song suggestion thing(i'm not merely suggesting, i'm practically ramming it down your throat). sorry. but when i like a song tremendously, i get this irresistible urge to shout about it from rooftops and tell as many people as i can about it. i'm pretty sure it's something psychological.

speaking of good songs, i'm digging The Verve's new single Love is Noise. Plus, I watched the clip of them playing it at Glastonbury recently on youtube, and it looks quite epic.

i'm trying to come up with some witty finishing line.

still thinking.

hmm.

it seems my wit has disappeared. if i had any in the first place, that is.