The world's greatest patronus

I started my activities for the day by doing my banyak-gile-tak-siap-lagi maths homework(intergration for quotients by partial fractions). I got stuck at one question, and from then on my day was spent doing nothing.But it was enjoyable nothing! There are 2 ways to waste time, one is by doing nothing productive and later on mourning the loss of time you could have used to do something worthwhile. The other way is by doing stuff not exactly productive in the sense that it's something your parents would approve of, but instead you accomplish things that while not exactly useful, give you a feel of satisfaction and pleasure. I did just that. I changed the mp3 files that have been stored in my phone since forever, replaced my ringtone, messaged a bunch of people, chatted with nani for a while, read john mayer's blog, and now i'm updating mine. half the day gone just like that. but i'm not complaining.

It was while surfing the net i suddenly remembered something I've wanted to blog about for a long time. It's a story. a true story of an incident that happened back in the days I was a debater(heh, bunyi cam veteran lak). This is the kind of incident I will always remember and think of with a smile on my face. It's the kind of story i'll tell my children, if any of them become debaters.

Ok. the year was 2005. The debaters were laeeqa, nani, me and ash. So the debating season that year started off with the UIA debating championship. For those who don't know, for most government boarding schools, there are two major debating events in a year. One is the annual Universiti Islam Antarabangsa(UIA) championship, and the other is the Piala Perdana Menteri championship, which is only for boarding schools.

So anyway, like i said, we started off with the UIA competition. And it was during this time we went up against a certain all-boys boarding school that i will not name here. We met them in the 2nd or 3rd round, i forgot. and it was during this meet with them i suffered a terribly embarassing moment that makes me cringe up until this day.

I was the 3rd debater, so my job was to rebutt all points given by the opposition. I can't remember what the motion was, but what i DO remember was that i was nervous as hell, and i ended up talking crap and not really adressing their points at all. So when it was over and done, the adjudicator(there was only one), announced that we lost. ok. that was blow number one. I was feeling bad enough already because i felt so disappointed with my speech. But it didn't end there! The adjudicator commented on each speaker's performance, and when he came to me, he specifically mentioned that I was a key reason our(the government's) case started to crumble. Ya Allah, i was MORTIFIED beyond reason.

It was bad, it was horrible, but what made it even more terrible was the fact that the debaters from that school were so cocky! Maybe they tried not to be, i don't know, but it was as if they looked down on us just because we weren't some elite school and were without any debating credit to our name. In short, we were just another lame science school, a minor obstacle on their path to debating glory.

So i walked away from that debate feeling crushed and ashamed. If i had to choose the lowest point througout the times I've debated, that would be it.

A couple months later, it was time for the PPM championship plak. my fellow debaters really worked their asses off. I guess the effort paid off, because we won the group round and went on to the quarter-finals. In PPM, there is a group round, whereby each school will be placed in a group with 3 or 4 other schools. Those who win all or most matches in that round will be group leader. After that, a drawing will be done, and group leaders will face off each other in the quarter-finals.

So, imagine my mixed feelings of shock and dread i got when i heard we drawed against the same all-boys boarding school for the quarter final round. Unbelievable. I was so nervous, i practically freaked out. I even remember our motion, it was "Malaysians have Become A More Caring Society". I remember the night before the debate, i was so frustrated and nerve-wracked, i had to call my mom for emergency counseling. When the morning of the debate came, we went to the hall to draw sides, and we got the opposition. During the draw, the debaters from that school were there too, and my, they looked tremendously pleased with themselves. I guess they figured since they whipped us(me) before, they'd be able to do it again easy-peasy.

And then came crunch time, the actual debate. I don't remember exactly what happened throughout the debate, but i do remember this. I remember feeling damn proud of ash and nani, because they gave great speeches, and they rebutted the governments' points well. I remember the boys from that school looking increasingly uncomfortable as we numerously POI-ed them with difficult questions. I remember the 2nd speaker from their side trying to impress judges and the audience with fancy phrases and actions. I remember nani clapping me on the shoulder right before it was my turn to speak, giving me courage. and I remember growing increasingly confident and not afraid of their POI's as i spoke. and i remember, to end my speech, i said 'and i am proud to oppose', and i knew that at that moment, that was the absolute truth.

When it was over and done, we waited while the judges gave their decision and went out of the room to pick the best speaker. I recall smiling at miss salmi and miss zil, and just feeling relieved it was over, and happy that i didn't do such a crappy job like how i did in UIA.

Then the judges came back in, and then we had to go through some excruciating moments while the chief judge gave her commentary, where I had to act like I was really listening and noting her comments down for future reference. Then finally, finally, it was time for the results.

Alhamdulillah, we won. I heaved a sigh of relief and started grinning like crazy. And best of all, the icing on the cake, was when the the chairperson announced that the best speaker was the third speaker from the opposition.

Sorry, not trying to berlagak ke ape. i just wanted to share how i felt at that second. I felt...like it was retribution, you know? I felt such deep satisfaction, because finally, for the first time ever, i managed to prove to someone that i'm not as lame as they thought and that they shouldn't take me for granted as an easy opponent. I felt vindicated! If i had to conjure a Patronus at that time i'm sure mine would have been the world's greatest, a rhino or a great white shark or something.

Alhamdulillah. i'm glad i've actually tasted a feeling like that. i hope you guys do too, or if you already have, i hope you get to feel it again and again. The feeling of satisfaction, euphoria, and the rare, hard-to-attain feeling of being proud of yourself and who you are.

scraping for pennies to get a cd

I went back to kampung(the negeri sembilan one on my dad's side)for the weekend, and i have made two key observations about the trip:

1. Gulai ikan semilang salai kicks ass.

2. My stay at kampung was dripping. it wouldn't stop raining!

I'm going to get John Mayer's Continuum. By hook or by crook, even if i have to scrape around for pennies, i will buy it!

A couple years ago, i'd just have downloaded the album, or i'd have gotten the cheaper(35 ringgit cheaper,mind you) pirated version.Downloading stuff is so tempting kan? let's face it, it's free, you can find practically any song you want, and you can get it right in the comfort of your room. I don't download movies or tv shows(i'm too chicken to do so), but music yes, definitely. Buying cds is a huge risk, because for one thing, they're bloody expensive (40 bucks for a cd is bloody expensive in my books), and another thing is that you'll face the risk of buying a cd you anticipated would be great but in the end turns out to be a complete dud.

Back in the days when i was still a teeny-bopper (i still am, tapi dah kurang sikitla, or so i'd like to think :P), i naively went and bought an original copy of Beyonce's 'Dangerously in Love' album. Aisy, i still cringe whenever i remember this. I was so stoked by her songs 'Me, myself and I' and 'Crazy in Love', i thought the rest of the album would comprise of similarly nice tunes and catchy beats. God was i wrong. I tried HARD to like the album, but in the end i had to concede it was just blah. i still don't understand why she won so many grammy awards with it. And when i listen to her music now, with songs like 'Check on It', and 'Irreplacable' and that ring the alarm or whatever song, i can't imagine why i used to like her music. (no offense to anyone who enjoys her music, this is just my opinion). The ironic thing about her songs is that despite the fact i dislike them, they're so easy to remember that whenever Irreplacable comes on you'll find me crooning along and 'to the left, to the left'-ing to it too. aisy.

Well, enough about that. My point is that now, while i still download stuff quite actively, i try to refrain from downloading albums from artists who are making good music and opt to buy the albums instead. And people like the Kings of convenience, third eye blind, and i believe john mayer, definitely deserve to have original copies of their cds bought. Besides, with stuff like youtube and previews offered at amazon, you can practically hear snippets from the whole album and decide whether it's a good buy or not. So, no more risks of buying seemingly good but actually bad albums.

I will buy Continuum(tengah kire duit to see if i have enough to spare la ni). and i'll listen to this song over and over again, as well as songs like 'In Repair' and 'I don't Trust myself with Loving you'. He won a grammy for best male pop vocal album, so maybe it's pop, but some say its a a blues number. whatever. i love it anyway.

the tribute

In no particular order.


Diyana Izzati
My good college friend. you crack me up with your sound effects sometimes. and i love how we have a lot of things in common, as well as differences(such as our music tastes,heh). We've only known each other for half a year but in that short space of time i feel like my friendship with you is at a level it took 3 years for me to achieve with some people at school. My backup singing partner for many years to come, i hope.


Nani
My current movie partner. Nanner's, what can i say? I'm so frickin' glad you're here at sunway with me. You were the first person besides my family i actually talked about books with. my fellow debater, i often relied on you more often than you know, you were the backbone of our debate team. Just now, on the drive back home, when we were singing along to the radio, i realized that I'm gonna be frickin' sad when you go off to canada, even though it's still 6 months away.


Syahirah
My oldest friend i still hangout with. Thank you SO MUCH for trying hard to keep in touch with me, i'm so glad we, out of some miraculous fate, moved into houses near each other. Sorry i used to merajuk so much back in sekolah rendah when we used to play kat padang and walk off. I'm sorry i acted so immaturely.


Aijud
Despite the fact we went to the same school for 5 years, i don't think we're actually that acquainted with each other. we don't know each other well, and even just now, at the airport, i didn't know what to say or how to chat easily with you. But the thing is, despite all this, i feel like we've blog-bonded or something. I'm thrilled to get comments from u, and whenever i read your posts, I'm bombing with responses in my head. Maybe if i wasn't so shut-mouthed in school dulu i would have talked to you more and we'd have been proper friends.


Jia Yee
Hardworking friend. Did you know, you're my first non-malay friend since primary school? I like your sense of humour. With you, i don't feel awkward, and that is something rare for me. Your rajin-ness spurs me on to do my homework, you know? sorry i bug you all the time with questions. Chee chong fan!


Anna
I admire you tons you know? Ever since 2 jujur. I'm sorry i acted so distant mase mule2, it's one regret i think about from time to time. Back then i was sooooo tah pape la. aisy. Thank you for overlooking that and being my friend anyways. I will miss you more that you know when you go to aussie next week.


Ina and Asiah
argh..if you guys only knew how much i miss you. One of the greatest pleasures of my life was finding out that we get along together remarkably well. Trio ceria, remember? I didn't just laugh with you guys, i cried with korang as well. I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH, and i'm not saying it insincerely like how most people just toss that line in a testi ke ape. I mean it. I miss sitting beside you guys in class. I miss lepak-ing kat dorm asiah. I wish we weren't drifting apart right now.


Sal.
Ah, sal. we've been through a lot, actually. i'm glad we're friends. Thanks for everything nice you've done for me.


Juwa.
i remember the first time i chatted with you. I was amazed at how we got along! I enjoyed chatting with you SO MUCH juwa, and i still do! And kolah yang ajar aku how to eat everything with cili sauce, and even though i was sad dulu mase first2 turun dari kelas 5 Bakti masuk 5 Ehsan, i truly saw the hikmah later on, because i made friends with you and milah.


Hani Hazman and Shao Min
Hani!my wicked(as in cool) fashion and vocabulary master(or should it be mistress?) You're one of the few i can actually ask about old movies and music. You are most definitely the only person i know who has clips from 'a streetcar named desire' in her ipod. I wish we were closer. And shao, you're my bookclub partner! thanx for the many recommendations and updates on books and reviews. i adore your sense of humour and go green with envy at the fact you get along great with EVERYONE.


Kak dila.
i wish you'd read this and for God's sake, call me la wei. even though we haven't talked for so long, i still think of you and i miss you like crazy, despite being angry at you for not contacting me. i miss laughing with you!



It's hard to express gratitude or affection towards the people you know. especially in malaysian society, where any attempts at doing so usually end up in awkward moments and prolonged silences. The norm nowdays for teenagers to acknowledge their friends' importance to them(if they bother to do so at all) is by forwarding them cute 'meaningful' testimonials or text messages. Some people take sentences like 'i miss you' and 'nice to be your friend' for granted and just toss them into whatever testi they give to whoever. In other words, it's hard to tell sincerity from fake courtesy.

Well, this is for the people that genuinely make me smile. Now you know that with you, i'm not giving fake courtesy.

Aww, crap, i'm getting all sentimental.

mes amies imaginaire

Ever had an imaginary friend? A make-believe friend, someone you may have conjured up to play masak2 with, or to keep you company. A make-believe friend can come in various forms. For my brother, it's the army troops he addresses whenever he's playing with his toy fighter jets or tanks. For Mac, it came in the form of Blue, as seen in Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends (for the unitiated, that's a cartoon).

Occasionally in movies you'll come across the typical character of a kid who believes he has an imaginary friend, and treats him like he's real(e.g:gives him food, asks the parent to give the imaginary friend a kiss goodnight too, that sort of thing). I find it horribly pretentious at times, a commercialisation of a thing movie producers deem as the epitome of cute child behaviour. The whole kid-with-an-imaginary-friend thing has been overplayed too much, for me anyway.

But on the other hand, i was one who believed in having imaginary friends myself. Not so much of a constant imaginary companion whom i spent the whole day with and pretended to feed, bathe, and play with, but more like, an imaginary someone to talk to when i was alone. When i was younger, if i was playing by myself and mom wasn't around, i'd pretend to engage in a conversation with someone imaginary. Sometimes I'd pretend to treat him/her like a guest and make them a beverage to drink, using shampoo foam mixed with water. Sometimes i'd write letters and address them to myself, pretending someone sent them to me. Or if i just bought some new shoes, still in its box, i'll pretend my imaginary friend gave it to me as a gift, and i'd open it up like a present. Strange, yes.

Hmm. would it freak you out if i said i still talk to imaginary friends sometimes?

wakaka, i don't pretend to cook for my make-believe friend or address letters to myself anymore. don't worry. I'm not schizophrenic or anything. It's just that once in a while, when i'm feeling down, or when i'm feeling stressed out over something, there are some things i'd like to say. sometimes blogs and online journals aren't sufficient enough. sometimes I want to whine and vent my feelings vocally. But, as a lot of the stuff that frustrates me are usually petty, self-centered thingies, it would be unfair to burden someone else with my complaints. So what i'd do is, i'd pretend to hold a conversation with someone imaginary. I know, it sounds pretty crazy and pointless to do this, but amazingly enough, it works.

You see, the thing that makes these conversations work is the fact that you get to choose what your imaginary companion will say. Because in real life, sometimes, when you tell someone something you think is important, you don't quite get the reaction or response you had hoped for. In the end you just wind up feeling disappointment in your friend and ashamed of yourself for sharing such things. With an imaginary friend, on the other hand, you can imagine the person you're talking to saying the right things, or you can imagine that person actually just sitting quietly and LISTENING to you, WANTING to know your problems and wanting to help you out sincerely. in short, you can be as self-centered as you want to with this make-belive person, without worrying about annoying them. and of course, another thing is that you can imagine your make-believe friend to be anyone you want him/her to be. You can make them out to be the friend that you've always wanted to give a piece of your mind to. You can pretend it's the person you've wanted to talk to so badly but never had the guts. You can imagine it's just a stranger who happened to catch your eye and struck up a conversation with. It can be anybody.

would it be insanely melodramatic to say that most of the conversations i've had with my made-up friends are better than any attempt at a heart-to-heart with a real person?

But of course, there's the downside to it too. The downside is at the end of the conversation with your imaginary friend, when you realize that while it was definitely therapeutic having a talk with a made-up person, you still wish that someone real, someone living and breathing and not just imaginary, had said and done the things your imaginary friend did. It's that kind of paradox.

On a lighter note, take a look at this video of john butler from the john butler trio playing a guitar instrumental called 'ocean'. It looks incrediby hard to play, he seems super skilled(he played awesomely save for a couple glitches at the beginning), but then again, I know nuts about guitar, maybe everyone can play that way after a certain point of experience and practice. I just adore the tune and the playing because it's so pretty. The timing of the video with the sound is a bit off, but it's not really obvious unless you look closely or until the end of the clip.