Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thoughts as of 21/11/2911
1. I had an alarming dream yesterday, where I was going to kill myself. And it was all condoned and official, there was a sense of of an institution or authority presiding over my planned suicide, there were official figures who were going to help me carry it out. These authoritative figures had just helped a couple of other individuals shoot themselves in the head, I watched them do it. There was another person, a boy, who was going to kill himself the same time as me, as if there was some sort of schedule of suicides going on, two people at a time. Our method of ending our lives was supposed to be by jumping off a building, but after I saw the two people before me shoot themselves, I decided I wanted to go for the gun method as well, because it seemed quick and painless, so I arranged for the mysterious officers to help shoot me in the head, right at my temple. And I recall in my dream waiting for the deed to be carried out, and suddenly it occurred to me that even though this felt right, there was a niggling feeling that God might not think so, and I could be doing the wrong thing. As much as I wanted to die, to obtain the relief that comes along with it, maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I wouldn't be getting what I thought I would. But it was too late to change my mind, I couldn't back out now.
And then I woke up.
2. Contrary to how morbid the dream was, I woke up feeling quite cheerful and eager for my oatmeal and coffee.
3. I've been doing my packing, and it's coming along nicely. It turns out I can fit 4 years in about 3 boxes and a suitcase.
4. I've never been one to have a life motto,daily mantra or wise words to live by, and I am far too cynical and in fear of sounding preachy to proclaim I do now, but one thing that occurred to me recently was that I have to do by right by myself to be able to right by others. And of course that sounds obvious to the rational mind, but it was surprising to me when I realized that. I had forgotten somewhere along the line.
5. Friday's Body Step class at the gym is conducted by this really nice American lady. And I enjoy her class, she's fun, and her routines are good. But then she started incorporating circuit training into the class, and the long and short of it is that circuit training involves burpees. Needless to say, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I still hate it after having done it a few times. I hate this nice instructor every time we do circuit training, I hate her guts for those few minutes. In that one particular track that involves the burpees, we do them interspersed with pulsing on our feet from left to right, but at the very end of the song, the nice instructor will encouragingly yell at us to do burpees continuously, on and on until the song ends. I always have to laugh at this moment, because every time, without fail, half of the class's reaction(myself included) will be to stop and stare at her in disbelief for a few seconds before grudgingly getting down and doing them.
And then I woke up.
2. Contrary to how morbid the dream was, I woke up feeling quite cheerful and eager for my oatmeal and coffee.
3. I've been doing my packing, and it's coming along nicely. It turns out I can fit 4 years in about 3 boxes and a suitcase.
4. I've never been one to have a life motto,daily mantra or wise words to live by, and I am far too cynical and in fear of sounding preachy to proclaim I do now, but one thing that occurred to me recently was that I have to do by right by myself to be able to right by others. And of course that sounds obvious to the rational mind, but it was surprising to me when I realized that. I had forgotten somewhere along the line.
5. Friday's Body Step class at the gym is conducted by this really nice American lady. And I enjoy her class, she's fun, and her routines are good. But then she started incorporating circuit training into the class, and the long and short of it is that circuit training involves burpees. Needless to say, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I still hate it after having done it a few times. I hate this nice instructor every time we do circuit training, I hate her guts for those few minutes. In that one particular track that involves the burpees, we do them interspersed with pulsing on our feet from left to right, but at the very end of the song, the nice instructor will encouragingly yell at us to do burpees continuously, on and on until the song ends. I always have to laugh at this moment, because every time, without fail, half of the class's reaction(myself included) will be to stop and stare at her in disbelief for a few seconds before grudgingly getting down and doing them.
Monday, November 07, 2011
Winter
Hi.
For some reason, I fell flat off my face onto the wrong side of the bed and I was in a bad mood. Nothing life-altering, just one of those brief phases of grumpiness that are unpleasant while they run their course. In this particular case, I'm not quite sure if it was a reason for the bad mood or a consequence, but I wouldn't stop eating. I seriously wouldn't. I'd eat until I felt slightly sick. No pleasure derived from the act of eating, I would just eat, eat, eat until I literally couldn't shovel anything else in.
Then, it manifested in irrational irritation. For example, while I was out walking just now, I wanted to punch the head of the girl in front of me teetering in wedges who couldn't seem to decided which way she wanted to go. Yes. I wanted to punch her in the head.
This bad mood peaked at the gym, where it fueled a rage-induced work-out(and I'd like to believe it made me rack up herculean efforts during my work-out, but in truth it was just the regular routine on the stationary bike and a slow jog on the treadmill. Nevertheless, it felt like I was on FIYAH and all awesome!) , but thankfully, it petered out as adrenaline kicked in, and by the time I was on the rowing machine it had simmered down. And when I was walking home from the gym, the bad mood had subsided to the phase where I listen to melancholic, defeatist music such as Creep by Radiohead and Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars.
Speaking of melancholic songs, when I was going through my shitty phase a few months back, I had a theme song. I played this constantly while trudging through the cold weather and being all miserable. The fact that it was winter at the time was a satisfying coincidence. I share this with the hopes that if someone out there is trying to get through some sadness, maybe this song could be your theme song too.
I wonder if it's the heat getting to me. Summer's practically here y'all, and it's getting uncomfortably hot. The kind of heat that melts your face when you walk outside and makes you actively search out routes that are shaded. The kind of heat where you have to sleep with the sliding door open and toss frustratedly in bed in the middle of the night, kicking off the quilt, trying to find the coolest part of the bedsheets.
I haven't been home in almost 2 years. And I've been thinking about that flight back home, from the mundane customs of checking-in and going through passport control, to getting through the actual flight and touching down in KL and that moment where I'll exit the aircraft and get a whoosh of warm air to my face.
Home, home!
For some reason, I fell flat off my face onto the wrong side of the bed and I was in a bad mood. Nothing life-altering, just one of those brief phases of grumpiness that are unpleasant while they run their course. In this particular case, I'm not quite sure if it was a reason for the bad mood or a consequence, but I wouldn't stop eating. I seriously wouldn't. I'd eat until I felt slightly sick. No pleasure derived from the act of eating, I would just eat, eat, eat until I literally couldn't shovel anything else in.
Then, it manifested in irrational irritation. For example, while I was out walking just now, I wanted to punch the head of the girl in front of me teetering in wedges who couldn't seem to decided which way she wanted to go. Yes. I wanted to punch her in the head.
This bad mood peaked at the gym, where it fueled a rage-induced work-out(and I'd like to believe it made me rack up herculean efforts during my work-out, but in truth it was just the regular routine on the stationary bike and a slow jog on the treadmill. Nevertheless, it felt like I was on FIYAH and all awesome!) , but thankfully, it petered out as adrenaline kicked in, and by the time I was on the rowing machine it had simmered down. And when I was walking home from the gym, the bad mood had subsided to the phase where I listen to melancholic, defeatist music such as Creep by Radiohead and Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars.
Speaking of melancholic songs, when I was going through my shitty phase a few months back, I had a theme song. I played this constantly while trudging through the cold weather and being all miserable. The fact that it was winter at the time was a satisfying coincidence. I share this with the hopes that if someone out there is trying to get through some sadness, maybe this song could be your theme song too.
I wonder if it's the heat getting to me. Summer's practically here y'all, and it's getting uncomfortably hot. The kind of heat that melts your face when you walk outside and makes you actively search out routes that are shaded. The kind of heat where you have to sleep with the sliding door open and toss frustratedly in bed in the middle of the night, kicking off the quilt, trying to find the coolest part of the bedsheets.
I haven't been home in almost 2 years. And I've been thinking about that flight back home, from the mundane customs of checking-in and going through passport control, to getting through the actual flight and touching down in KL and that moment where I'll exit the aircraft and get a whoosh of warm air to my face.
Home, home!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)