Holly Golightly

"Listen. You know those days when you get the mean reds?"

"Mean reds. You mean like the blues?"

"No. The blues are because you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad, that's all. But the mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Did you ever get that feeling?"

I've just watched Breakfast at Tiffany's properly for the first time. I like it. And that's quite a rare occurrence, it's a novelty for me to genuinely and more importantly, to be sure that I actually like something the first time I see it. I often doubt my judgment on anything I've just read/watch/experienced, the reason being a)I usually can't tell whether I really like something or just want to, and b) I'm so easily pleased, it's ridiculous, especially with movies.

If anything, it usually takes time for me to think things over and ponder for a while before I can come to a proper conclusion whether I like it or not. Or repetition. Many a time I've reread a book or listened to a cd and find that I liked it much more that what my initial impression allowed.

I donated blood again. The first thing I thought when I saw the needle was 'I don't remember it being that big last time'.

But anyway. Back to Breakfast at Tiffany's. I really liked the score, especially that part at the end where she comes back to look for the cat, all dark and heavy on the piano. Did you know Henry Mancini won an Oscar for writing the score? Trivia. George Peppard was gorgeous, all charming and solid and soulful aquamarine eyes, gosh. And I'm just about the gazillionth person to fall in love with Audrey Hepburn. Or at least, Holly Golightly. I should read the book.

Ok, ok. Favorite scenes? The part where they first meet and talk in Holly's apartment, tasseled ear plugs and all, the scene where Holly strums a guitar and sings Moon River, the part where she meets Doc again.

I'm going on a trip tomorrow. By the time I get back I'll only have about 10 days before classes start again.

Tuesday afternoon, the weather was beautiful. I didn't even have to wear a heavy coat, just my sloppy black oversized 100% acrylic pullover and a scarf. Had to go to the city to change my money, so I walked downtown. Bumped into A on the way there. A is one of those people whom I've grown to dread to bump into, and when I do and can't avoid it, it doesn't kill me, but it does in a way, because here is a person who you know is just completely unaffected by your presence. They don't care whether they bump into you or not, and I suppose it's better than meeting someone whom you can tell would rather not meet you at all, but sometimes I think it's almost as bad.

I'm going on a trip tomorrow. I hope it'll be fun.

I hate the cold. I hate this emptiness I feel. And I know it sounds awfully melodramatic to say it like that, but there is this certain emptiness I feel right now, a bit of dread, and I'm trying to figure out the cause, and I'm trying to remedy it.

Bye.

Crispy M&Ms

I've started so many blog drafts and left them unfinished, it's quite ridiculous. Bear with me? I've just watched Twilight(don't judge), and now I have this piece called Bella's Lullaby by Carter Burwell stuck in my head.

Who the hell cries when watching So You Think You Can Dance? What kind of pathetic creature starts welling up when a contestant manages to survive the contemporary piece and manages to make it to Top 20, or when only one of the brothers gets to go on the show?

Me. I happen to be that pathetic creature. My ability to cry at things like reality dance shows still manages to fascinate, disgust, but mostly just annoy me. My earliest memory of crying while watching something can be traced back to when I went to watch Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame at the cinema. Stupid Esmeralda. She just had to go with the blond sergeant or whatever he was, didn't she? Of course the ugly guy ends up alone. I may have been young, about 8 or 9 I guess, but I was already weeping over the injustice that is unrequited love.

How I got from crying over Quasimodo to crying over So You Think You Can Dance beats me. If anything, I'd like to give my tear ducts a good scolding. "Can't you AT LEAST be more selective and choose something actually worth crying over?!Like kittens??".

***

I know my music collection is pretty puny, but I like how I more or less have at least a song or two for any occasion. For days when I feel like singing out loud, the more intricate the lyrics the better. Songs for eighties dancing, daydreaming, for staring outside some form of transportation. Tunes for sentimentality, for longing. And of course, songs for every shade of sadness.

However, I've come to realize that I don't have any songs for when I'm angry. There were a few occasions recently where I was mad and needed some music to channel my rage, but then I found I didn't have anything that seemed angry enough. The closest I got was Speedhorn by The Noisettes, but for me that's a song tinged with sadness, and I wanted something louder, more bitter. Recommendations?

***

Watching the video of someone going bungee jumping is already making my heart beat faster, who knows how it will be if and when I'm actually standing at the ledge ready to step into nothing? I wish I could do it with a friend. With Azrieal! Besides the idea of actually jumping which is already daunting, the prospect of having to make small talk and deal with awkward gaps of conversation with whoever that's tying the cord to my legs and strapping me in is another point of reluctance. But if I don't do it this time around, when and where else? I don't want to look back over 2009 come December 31st and remember I could have gone bungee-jumping but was too chicken shit. And I will NOT let reluctance to do it alone deter me either.

Two pictures:

Yes, that's Aina and Sal, gloriously showing off the wonder that is a giant tap. Yes, that's Anna giving a somewhat reluctant smile and peace sign, no doubt perturbed by the enthusiastic models beside her. Yes, I ate an astounding amount of KFC and junk food during exam season.

And yes, that is Logs being the utter gentleman, sewing and tightening all four of my winter coat buttons. No, I can't sew, and yes, I is failure.

I want to dance like Molly Ringwald

I. got tickets. to go see.

PHOENIX!

I am so excited cannot tahan. Cannot tahan!

And of course I have to tell you how it was more of an impulsive buy, how I didn't even know they were coming until Ticketmaster emailed me about it. I didn't even know they had come out with a new album! But I do have all of their old ones in my mp3 player(tabik terima kasih kepada kakak), and I do like a bunch of their songs. So I blearily bought tickets the next morning the minute they went on sale(bangun straight from bed, tak gosok gigi ke ape terus keluarkan debit card and ready at the computer).

Whoo! So excited,so excited! Have I mentioned this? Sangat teruja. I cannot breathe, I am so psyched.

Of course kakak introduced me to them, who else I know would listen to some french electronic-influenced alternative rock band? Anyway, I've listened to the two singles off the new album, 1901 and Lisztomania, and they are awesome. 1901 got me hooked right from the opening notes, and Lisztomania is the type of song I hear a while ago and think it's ok, and then listen to it again after a while and suddenly it's fabulous. Someone on youtube made a video to the song with mashed-up dancing scenes from some movies from the eighties, most notably The Breakfast Club, and I must say it's spot on because listening to the song makes me want to dance like that too. The very idea that I'll get to dance while listening to them live(multiplied by the fact that the gig is for standing area only, can you imagine the energy?), ARGH! Too much excitement jammed through my pores, I cannot wait. I'm going to march straight to the record store and get Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix right after I'm done with exams. I am in dire need of some new music, and I think this will be a nice addition after Fleet Foxes.

How can I not put the songs up? Can you picture it? Hearing and recognizing the opening notes and screaming like crazy, swaying as the drum beats kick in, and singing the song at the top of your lungs with this intense feeling of satisfaction and giddiness?


Dancing like it's the eighties is strangely uplifting.

Save Your Scissors For Someone Else's Skin

One thing I remember, and I'll probably always remember, is this: sitting on my dad's lap on raya morning. I think I must have been 7 or 8, it was the morning of the first day of raya, my dad had just come back from raya prayers. We were watching tv while waiting for mom to get the rendang and ketupat ready for our traditional raya breakfast. My dad was sitting on the couch, I think it was one of the two green leather armchairs we used to have, the ones the cats loved to scratch. I was sitting on my dad, leaning against him with all the trust and intimacy that astonishes me when I think about it now. I was watching tv while sitting with my dad , laughing as he ate some nuts and got a weird look on his face, forgetting that it was raya and thinking that he accidentally ate something when he was supposed to be fasting.

Few years down the road, I went crazy.

I got an email from my dad, and the words are careful, so, so, careful. And it made me want to cry , it made me want to hug him and say I'm sorry I went crazy, I'm sorry I drove you away, I'm sorry I couldn't and still can't be a better daughter to see past your words and your demeanor, I'm sorry for the times I gave up and gave in to the idea that our relationship at the moment will be as good as it gets. For thinking God was punishing the both of us. I'm sorry that we are both so stubborn and too alike to compromise, I am so sorry, I am so sorry.

***
Sometimes, thinking about qiamat helps. It puts things into perspective. It makes me look at anything that's troubling me and think 'there just isn't enough time for this shit'. And that includes inconsiderate people, study blues, weight and zit issues, casting failures, flailing crushes, and the like.

Things that have been keeping me sane/happy: Kellogs, chocolate croissants and mochas in the morning, big tables, slouchy black sweater, Arnott's Scotch Finger biscuits, La Vie En Rose.

City and Colour, ftw.

Whipped cream

I made a Victorian sponge cake for the first time just yesterday. Tak jadi(in no way did my cake pass off for a sponge), but my friends said they liked it :') I'm sorry, but this just calls for a muka-terharu-emoticon. Terharu that they liked it. Or terharu that they were lying to jaga my hati. I'm much happier making something to feed my friends rather than studying. Is this a sign? Should I ditch accounting and go somewhere to learn how to fluff meringues and ensure my souffles don't sink?

Over the past couple weeks, I've been out with some friends who have managed to make me laugh in way I haven't laughed for a while. The best kind, the priceless kind. The one that makes you cry and bowl over, clutching your tummy or the nearest solid structure for support. The kind that you faintly regret afterwards, but would rather experience anyway, because laughter like this doesn't come often. I laughed, I laughed, I laughed, and it was delicious. It was painfully lovely to collapse with mirth like that, to see the people around you laughing just as hard, trying to stop and get a grip before looking at each other and dissolving into belly-hurting giggles all over again.

And funnily enough, half of the company I was with were people I've barely known for 3 months. Isn't that funny? I've known some people for years, get along perfectly decently, but I've never managed to laugh with them like that. Yet there I was with people I don't know well for the most part, laughing our heads off together. Chemistry? Funny. It shows up in places you wouldn't expect.

Hail autumn, full of grace!
Your golden leaves caress my face
As they float gently to the ground
Without so much a wisp o' sound
And I watch, wistful,as they fall.

But soon your leaves will be no more
And winter will be at my door
I'll long for it to quickly end
And rejoice in sunshine once again
And wait for autumn's grace.

Emily Dickinson, please don't roll over in your grave.

I'm going to go meet the queen of body rolls, go get chicken and salami, and hopefully indulge in the culinary delight that is fried chicken. Happy weekend, mes jellybeans!

Here's to you honey, but I'm outta your league!

If I were to be completely honest, I was quite disappointed at not being selected for this dance thing yesterday. Even though the choreographer tried to earnestly reassure those not chosen that there was too many good dancers for her to choose from, it doesn't quite stop the voice in my head going "nampak sangat you're a hippo who can't dance". But oh well. You won't stop this hippo, BAM! I'll just try again. And my theme song to support this stance will be The Hives Try It Again, props to Nani(who has impeccable taste in music, yo) for introducing it to me. I adore it so much, it makes me want to dance(hippo-like and all) like crazy.

Up from the floor on the count of ten
Oh you get up, you get down, and you try it again!

My latest financial accounting class was just..bonkers. We're learning the tax effects of intra-group transactions for consolidated reports, the last lecture had my head spinning. But it's good in a way, it's something I can sink my teeth in, I'm starting to get an in depth sight into what I'll actually be doing for a living. And say all you want about how dry and boring accountants are, etc, but come tax season and you have to file your returns, who you gonna call? That's right, bitch.

Sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me today. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, I was angry at myself for waking up late, mad at my homework for being undone, mad at the trash for not being in the rubbish chute, mad at my contact solution for being almost finished, that sort of thing. Irrational anger.

And it doesn't help that that feeling is back again. The one that makes me listen to This Year's Love by David Gray for the umpteenth time and wish. Wish and long for. Someday I'll get this right, and I'll gracefully resign to takdir and be okay on my own, if that's how it works out. Or maybe I'll end up meeting someone. And I'll yell "MANGKUK! What took you so long?!"

Ok. Assignment memanggil. Saya perlu menyahut.

With all your lies, you're still very lovable

Hello, jellybeans.

I bought Bon Iver's For Emma, Forever Ago. Hot damn. I've had it on repeat for the past week, turning it up,up,up as I walk to uni, to hear Justin Vernon's soft voice over the trams and the traffic. It's quite wonderful how you can find beauty in the same 9 songs over and over again without growing bored. I just hope I don't over-listen and become sick of it. That happened with Stars' Your Ex-Lover Is Dead, our relationship is still in recovery mode.

Sometimes I can't believe it's only been about 2 and a half months since I've come back, it feels much longer. And yet the days pass by so quickly and I don't have time to do my homework(heh. I'm making excuses, I actually do it too slow and waste time). I don't think that much has really happened, nothing major, no truly significant events, and yet I feel like this has been the most enjoyable, fully packed, thoroughly used time I've had here. Yes. YES. Even as I think this over, I concur with this statement, I acknowledge the truth in it.

Yes. I haven't enjoyed being in Melbourne as much as I enjoy being here now. It's due to the combination of new friends, new activities, and new music I've had the good fortune to come across. Starting the semester after going to umrah probably had a good deal to do with it too, and knowing the city a little bit better helped as well. I'm still not putting enough effort into studying, I still have kinks to work out in my study method and planning, but I'd like to believe I learned enough from last year to repair my mistakes, at least a tiny bit. I haven't found that perfect balance of study and play, friends and books, religion and daily activities, happiness and feeling down, buying stuff and saving cash yet, never will probably; but it feels better this year somehow, I must be doing something right?

Overall, I'm doing good.

I have 3 weeks worth of finance to study though.