Strawberry Glaze

I burnt my tongue when I popped the piece of microwaved doughnut with the strawberry glaze on top into my mouth today. adoi.

I came off far more somber in the previous post than what I actually felt at the time of writing, so I'm sorry for that. I wasn't fishing for sympathy(though perhaps I was, hmmmHMMMMM), but thank you again to afnan and aijud and kero for the kind words. much appreciated.

And hey, it's come to my attention(thanks to all the prerequisite end-of-year blog posts) that we're about to dive(or perhaps just slip quietly) into 2009. well, I'll be damned. Where'd the year go to anyway?(please imagine me saying this with a southern drawl. just try!).

If this were a different point in time, I suppose I'd be all mushy and try to sum up how this year has went, and trust me, I can vouch for the fact that it would have been a very glum(and stupid) post. But for some reason I'm feeling awful chipper tonight, so maybe I can flip all this around? It would be nice to look back on this post a couple years from now and think "hey, I seemed awful cheerful back on new year's eve '08".

I know there's only a handful of you out there actually reading this(like what,5?) so I know there's no need for me to worry about sounding like a bimbo, or whether I'm supposed to talk about the more 'meaningful' aspects of 2008 that can somehow relate to you who are reading. It doesn't really matter what I write, does it? Oh, of course this post, as with every other post I publish here; will always have that tinge of self-consciousness that I detest, but I'm pretty sure that whoever that's reading this is a friend, and I hope you'll see beyond all the self-centered ramblings. Or just accept it.

While we were in Singapore, I was horsing around with kakak. At one point, I made a joke about something, and after we were done laughing, she mentioned something along the lines of how I was crazy, and am I like this around other people? And I thought about it, and I replied, "No. I'm only like this with you", to which my sister said she felt privileged to be able to see this side of me.

And that, I think, pretty much says it all. My lament for 2008. My resolution for 2009, perhaps(but what's a resolution if you have a nagging feeling deep down that you won't actively set out to achieve it?). I wish I was the way I am around my sister with all of you('you' includes all friends,acquaintances,random people, the people in the debate team, extended family members, the safeway cashier I had a crush on, everyone in general). Maybe 2008 wouldn't have been so screwed up if I was.

of course, it's not only that. You've also got to put my religious beliefs, my studies, and all the other little knick-knacks that you accumulate throughout the year into the equation. And I think I'm phrasing it wrong. It isn't the year 2008 that's screwed up. It is the person I was during the year.

Do you really believe in the power of a new year as a blank slate? If you do, it'd be nice if you could give me one in your books. I'm sorry for whatever trouble I've caused you.

Ah well.

Selamat tahun baru.

Lonely,lonely, that is me

Ola friends.

Maybe I'll figure out what to say in a few more days.

I could take the obvious approach I suppose, and tell you what I've been doing the past couple days(if you must know, it has to do with baking and fishing, in separate elements).

Or maybe I could talk about my grandfather.

My brother had a dream a couple nights back. In his dream, he was back at the tahlil we were having for my grandfather, and during the tahlil, amidst the whole thing, he saw my grandfather walking around. I was happy to hear that, for some reason.

If not, we can stick to lighter subjects. Like how I followed my sister to the swimming pool the other day. even though I can't swim. Bukankah bodoh namanya tu? Well, I can flap my arms around and attempt half-hearted kicking motions with my feet, but that's about it.

Or maybe I can just shut up about me for a change and ask you how you're doing. How are you, anyway? How was your christmas?

The Stills will be opening for Kings of Leon nanti, how bout that? though I only know 2 of their songs. But no matter. Plenty of time to listen around.

We'll finish this (one-sided) conversation sometime.

p/s:Please do not juxtapose the post title with the idea I'm being an emo garden snail. It's an excerpt from Feist's Lonely,Lonely that I can't stop humming.

p/p/s: Happy Birthday Jia Yee! I'll still message you tomorrow. But this way my wish will be doubly power.

Masrol@Mansor Bin Abdul Mutalib
05.01.1925-19.12.2008
Al-Fatihah.

Pigment sticks

Part 2 of Anna's tag,hurrah hurrah.

1. How many babies do you want?
Enough so that raya celebrations will be a merry affair.

2. What feeling do you love the most?
The pain I get in my belly from laughing too hard, the joy of listening to a really really good song, and the feeling of pleasant surprise I get when I'm doing something I was dreading and suddenly realize "hey, this isn't so bad".

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
Suicide ah? Hmm. If i were to be completely honest, I think I'm too chicken shit to commit suicide. I moan and groan and say I'm sad, but that's all mengade je lebih, so I know I won't be doing it anytime soon. Sometimes I think that's cowardly on my part, like in Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down, where the four heroes see a man jump off Topper's and realize that they wouldn't have been able to do it themselves, and are all the more fucked for it. Then again, maybe suicide itself is a cowardly act? I don't know. It's complex.

4.Who is more important to you: friend or boy/girlfriend?
No boyfriend. Even if I had one, unless my boyfriend and my friend are trapped in some life-threatening situation and somehow I only have the choice of saving either one of them, I don't see the relevance of this question.

5. What's a perfect partner to you? List 10 characteristics.
Apparently the perfect partner is an urban myth(Unless you're in a Hilary Duff movie).

6. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
I cherish those that have humbled me and made me want to change for the better.

7.What will become of you in 10 years time?
Whoah, the big three-oh! working, with someone, meeting up with my family for breakfast on a regular basis,maybe? Or if not, exactly how I am now, except 10 years older. damn, that's scary.

8.What do you hate the most?
Knowing I could have done/could be doing better, feeling foolish, embarrassing moments. and mixed veggie. Especially the peas. HA!and I HATE it when my right earphone falls out of my ear, which is often.

9. What's your goal for this year?
Linedance banyak-banyak. Get a cat. Bake something really good.

10. Who else do you want to answer these questions?
Syefik, yo. My cousin from the hood.


I'm really sleepy, so quick bedtime story:

Today when we were coming home after linedancing, we passed by a house with the gate open and I saw a beautiful black dog sitting in front of the house, facing towards the open gate with an expectant air,. Then I see that the dog's waiting patiently for a girl who was in the process of getting on her bike within the compound. Once she starts cycling out beyond the gate, the dog leaps up into the air with such obvious delight and starts tearing off down the road. Every so often it would glance back to make sure the girl was keeping up.

I know it's not much. Tapi biarlah, it was my piece of random joy for the day.

Giraffes amongst a cloudless blue sky

I've just finished watching a really smarmy christmas movie that had okay lead actors and a really bad supporting actor and it was somewhat cringe-worthy but still okay because hey, it's a christmas movie! The guy gets the girl! It's snowing! Everyone's happy! The spurned fiance only goes away with an unconvincing sad look!

Whatever happened to Duncan Sheik, anyway? And Third Eye Blind? Vertical Horizon? and Eve 6? Remember this one? I used to adore it.

Eve 6 - Heres To The Night - Various

pic from guardian.co.uk

I love Dylan Moran. Dylan Moran is coming to do a show in Melbourne. I know of no one else who loves Dylan Moran whom I can beg to teman me go see him. Persoalannya: Should I go see Dylan Moran?

Answer: Yes. Explanation(because as we all know, merely answering 'yes' or 'no' is never enough to warrant full marks): Because Dylan Moran is awesome, ticket price is still within acceptable range, and more importantly, because I will never get the chance to see him live when I finish my degree and come back home. That's reason enough, I believe. Let's see. maybe I can get tickets.

Half of Anna's tag!
1. Do you believe in eternal love?
Yes. When I was younger, back at kampung, there was a pair of angsa that roamed around freely. One day, the female angsa died. The male angsa was forlorn and died shortly after. I may be romanticizing things(we are, after all, talking about angsa here), but I like to think that was something along the lines of eternal love.

2. What would you really like to do right now?
Go dancing, free form, no inhibitions. To go back to the Bloc Party concert and sing along to Banquet again.

3. Describe yourself.
Neurotic. I never play the lead role. I am not Alice in Wonderland, Elizabeth Bennet or Marla Singer. Instead, I am the caterpillar , I'm the nondescript sister who plays the piano, I am Chloe. I have a fascination for cooking shows. I also have anti-social tendencies, and I like to whistle. I would like to go see giraffes and elephants in the wild someday.

4. What is your bad habit?
Plenty, plenty. too many. But I suppose the major ones include lack of consistency(tidak istiqamah), unoriginality, and taking a (big) bite out of anything my brother eats.

5. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Hah. I laugh. Are you kidding me? If confidence were a cup of coffee, I'd have the pathetic brown liquid made out of some obscure brand of instant coffee in a Styrofoam cup, with too little sugar and too much milk(as opposed to the stunning cappuccino made from Colombian coffee beans, served in fine bone china, with beautiful steamed milk foam at the top with a leaf pattern swirled in).

6. Favourite perfume/fragrance?
Hmmm...well, I really like the fragrance of food. However, if we must stick strictly to the type of perfume one sprays on oneself, then I guess I don't have any favourite. All perfumes usually blend together and I end up not recognizing one from the other. But I do love perfumes associated with a person. Like how Jaja usually wore a perfume by Versace(was it Versace?)to college. There was this one time in Melbourne I caught a whiff of it and I immediately thought of her.

7.What's your ambition?
To be better than this.

8. What's currently on your mind?
Something green(with earphones). Something black and white(with laces). Damn, mysterious I am.

9.Is there anything you want to tell people that hate you?
Sorry. I'll bake you cupcakes. (this only applies to those that hate me with justified reason. If not, then tak payah. Why waste my(or my mom's) flour and sugar and baking powder?)

10. What do you crave the most currently?
Not much. Some waffles and ice cream would be good. putu piring. A social life. A pimple-free face. A cat. Some more clothes. Casual indifference. Kings of Leon's first album. stuff like that.

Other half next time.

Turn the light out, say goodnight
No thinking for a little while
Let's not try to figure out everything at once
-The National, Fake Empire

Positive energy

And if we concentrate on these high moments
Maybe falling down won't be so bad.

Good things:

1. I finally got around to listening to The National's Boxer album. I don't know why I waited so patiently all this while to get the CD from my sister, I should have accosted her on a daily basis and forced her to find and give it to me ages ago. We popped it into the car stereo as we were driving home, and it opened with the beautiful Fake Empire. As of now, I'm replaying it even as I type this.

Awesome wei.









2. Parents anniversary, and we made cupcakes! Aiyo. Why so cute. They tasted ok, not great(mediocre cupcakes seem to be the story of my life), but they looked so nice(sorry for all the boasting, but you should have seen the first batch of frosted cupcakes I made. These look awesome compared to those), sayang nak makan. Props to kakak for lettering all of them. We originally wanted to spell out 'Happy Anniversary', but 'anniversary' is not a fun word to spell out letter per letter.




3. God blessed this creature with a ridiculous amount of cuteness.

Everybody's a sightseer.

Where to start where to start?

I'm glad that I've been kept sufficiently active so far for the duration of time I've been home. Today dad was kind enough to invite me along to go check out the relief center set up for the landslide victimes in Ulu Kelang. It was interesting. Helicopters airlifting food supplies and some victims to and from the evacuated area. People from all sorts of organizations(JKMN, Bulan Sabit Merah, Parlimen Ampang, Petronas). Journalists and media crews milling around.

***

I was very angry when writing the previous post. My landlord had just informed me he wanted to stop leasing the apartment to us(even though we already expressly agreed to extend the contract for next year), and I was SO MAD, it was pretty crazy. This landlord has a problem, the problem being that he's an unreliable prick, and I don't think he should be in charge of anything. I suppose that incident triggered all the pent up anger towards the number of unreliable parties I've had the unfortunate luck of having to deal with.

So I found out the stupid landlord wants to stop the lease, and I remember blinking a bit, before going upstairs and just bursting into tears, it was crazy! I know it sounds very pretentious and melodramatic, but all that pent up frustration felt like despair. I thought about my landlord and how he always gave bills when it was past the due date, and how he once made us move out of our apartment into a different one. I thought about the committee(remember the bookmark thingie?no, of course not) members who were never on time and didn't show up to help like they said they would. The leaders of the committee have yet to arrange payment for the advance I made to cover the expenses of the event. I thought about the organizers of my brother's camp who were so muddled and inefficient. Departure time was supposed to be 9am but ended up being 10 something. And I guess the waterworks and the gedik bursting into tears reaction was due to helplessness I felt in dealing with the unfairness of it all. It's unfair and it sickens me to my stomach. It's not fair that there are so many people out there who think it's ok to be this way, to be irresponsible and unreliable. How can they possibly interact and work with other people? I know I'm not the best of examples, but I think I at least try to hold up my end of the bargain adequately. I show up at the correct time, I do the work as asked, I pay the rent on time, I try to be efficient. In return, I'm not asking for the moon. I'm not asking you to do anything beyond what you are capable of. Just do your job properly,damnit! And to think there are so many people like this out there, grown-up people with jobs, university students holding leadership positions, organizations who have been in business for years. It doesn't make sense. Is this the the norm? Are reliable people the rarer species?

***

My parents are going off on a trip, just the two of them, to celebrate their anniversary. 25 years, yo. You know. I still entertain the idea of a soulmate. The idea of loving and being loved in return, marriage and kids, going through rough patches and coming out on the other side with the love still intact and all the more stronger for it. Growing old together. This idea of a ferocious love, a love that makes you snap at someone because you're worried and care for them that much. But at the same time, I also find myself seriously pondering the idea that I may not find that person, that no one will love me in that way, and therefore I will be alone. I'm only 20, but I suppose it best to be realistic. I do not want to go through life always waiting, always looking out. Ah well. tengoklah.

***

I share too much over my blog. memang pathetic.

When it's just not funny anymore

It's become a joke, hasn't it?

Unreliability.

Unreliability is when you buy food from a stall at the foodcourt run by a couple of Malay guys, who say it will be done in 7 minutes, but take 20 instead, and the food that's finally given is a pathetic representation of what it's supposed to be.

Unreliability is people saying they'll meet you at 12 o'clock, but come at 12.45 without letting you know beforehand that they'll be late. Or letting you know 5 minutes before you're due to meet. It is friends saying that they'll meet you at KL sentral at 11, but are still on a train at 11.30. It is program organizers who say that the event will start at 9 but still haven't gotten it off the ground at 10.30. It is an "important guest" who's supposed to show up to officiate the ceremony at 7.30, but have their chauffeurs drop them off at 8.30.

Unreliability is landlords who give you the electric bill past the due date, make you move unexpectedly and say you'll have the property for a particular period but then back up on their word.

Unreliability is people in a position of power who can't handle things efficiently, who are disorganized and cannot get the task done satisfactorily. Who are happy with mediocre results.

Unreliability is people saying that they'll be there when they won't. Don't say you'll be there for the sake of pretending to be nice, you retard. If you won't be there, just bloody say it.

Unreliability is people who don't reply your emails even though it's urgent, who don't keep up their end of the bargain, and don't credit you as they are supposed to.

To the alarmingly large amount of unreliable people I've met in such a short space of time, to you I say FUCK YOU. I say FUCK YOU for your unreliability, FUCK YOU for having positions of power and advantages when you don't deserve it, FUCK YOU for not being aware of the impact of you actions, or more precisely, lack of; on other people. For being aware but not doing anything about it. For thinking that the fucking wreck of a job you're doing currently is acceptable.FUCK YOU.

I have a little bit of sadness and whole lot of anger bottled up, I must get this out somehow. With things like these, unreliability and bitterness, they should be dealt with a pinch of humor, I think. Laugh it off, baby. laugh it off. In the grand scheme of things, they're nothing. Laughable nothings.

But sometimes, it's just not that funny.

Pitter-patter

1. Do you think the guitarists that play in Miley Cyrus's backup band are happy?

2. When we went back to kampung, we saw a goat tethered to a tree in front of my uncle's house. A black goat with brown wool, if you please. My siblings christened it Woolly and tried to make friends with it(to no avail). Then it turns out that Woolly was the goat destined to be slaughtered for the aqiqah my aunt was having for her newborn daughter. So, yes. We ate Woolly.

3. Today after line dancing one of the ladies asked my mother how to pronounced her name. (Rodziah). Then she points to me, asking my mom, "itu anak nama siapa? Small Rodziah?". I thought that was pretty hilarious.

4. Did you know that the producers initially wanted Reese Witherspoon to play Marla in Fightclub?

5. Kakak was playing one of her songs in the car that had a lyrics that went what's a wonderwall anyway?, which struck me as a very excellent question. What is a wonderwall?

hey,hey. it's raining. jom tido.

Let's stay home and watch cooking shows

Let's stay home and watch cooking shows. Nigella Lawson, you've captured my heart. Merely watching you crush a bar of cooking chocolate with a mezzaluna is enough to make me sigh contentedly.

Oh!oh! Guess how I spent Friday night? Well, we had to go back to kampung because my cousin was getting married. So the nikah was that friday night at the masjid near the bride's place, and we did the traditional convoy kereta secara beramai-ramai from my cousin's house. In a nutshell:

1. Our car ended up following the wrong car. So the makcik in the backseat who kept looking behind at us was not a relative as we thought she was, but may in fact have been some random person growing increasingly nervous because of the persistence of this blue chevy with a bunch of women(two of whom were carrying dulang hantaran) at tailing their car.

2. The bride's house was in a Felda settlement. So imagine, if you will, the road to the settlement, which is completely surrounded by plantations, no lamp posts at all. During the night, it is completely pitch dark, except for the headlights of passing cars, which are not that many. Now. picture this: you are in a car, trying to keep up with the car in front of you, who is going at an alarmingly face past for a road so dark. Then suddenly there's a massive hole eating into the side of the road which unfortunately you nor your mother who's driving don't spot in time to avoid, so the car runs right into it, which is a bit of shock itself, but then you realize, as you continue driving, that there's a dreadful thump-thump-thump sound. Your mother wants to pull over to check what's wrong but there are a number of factors that make her hesitate such as:
a) The car you're supposed to be following in front is still speeding along.
b) it's pitch dark and there no lay-buys on the side of the road for you to pull the car over.
c) there are no cars at all behind you.

Pendek cerita, your front left tire that went into the hole has burst and is now flat. So...yeah. I spent my birthday night in a baju kurung standing beside my mom's car watching my two cousins(who thankfully came to the rescue), with their pants rolled up and feet submerged in mud change the front tyre. Ah well. at least it was memorable, hey?

I've got a bitch of a sorethroat, which I fear might help steer this into a post that's all emo and shit(you'd be surprised how tonsils can affect writing. oh yeah, like, totally), so goodnight y'all.

oh wait! I forgot. If anyone called/messaged me on my aussie number, I'm really sorry but I apparently I can't get it. or something. of that sort. yeah.

Esok nak pegi menari lagi.