Group assignments

One thing about this semester that makes me happy, really happy, is the fact that there are no group assignments, just one teeny weeny tax law question-solving to be done in pairs.

No group assignments! If this were a cheesy mat salleh movie, this would be the point where the gospel choir music blares out ('HAAAALLELUJAH!'), but it's not. I'm still very glad though, I could do a little jig. I would, if I weren't sprawled out on my bed.

This is a shameful attitude to adopt of course, I am very aware any smart alec could whip out the numerous statistics and facts on how potential employers prefer graduates that have strong teamwork abilities and cooperative skills, etc, but still. I understand that my anti-teamwork stance is detrimental in the long run, but allow me to bask in this pleasure for a moment.

Went to the library for the first time in a long time yesterday, to check out my textbooks, and while looking at it from the outside I had this weird daydream to light up a cigarette and smoke. This would be followed by a scene where I warily eye the building and adopt a Russian accent to say something along the lines of "Why hello comrade. We meet again".

Which may be a tad weird, but the library is, after all, my partner in battle, and judging by my subjects, I have an arduous duel against my studies up ahead. I had my first lecture for Derivative Securities yesterday, and while I was tempted by sexy terms like 'the Monte-Carlo Simulation' and 'swaps'(I don't know, it sounds cool), by the second half of the lecture I was already struggling, grappling with what my lecturer was explaining on complex payoffs.

Anyway, now I'm going to do one of those things where people talk about something personal and you have no idea what they're talking about, which makes it quite annoying. But anyway.

It was very silly of me to hold you constant, as if to presume you wouldn't have new experiences or meet new people. I will stop thinking that anything you write is for my benefit.

Hooray, I'm glad to get that off my chest. I have to go for a lecture now, be well jellybeans.

The rebound

Err.

Sorry. For some reason some part of me insists on keeping it up as what, I don't know. Some testimony that I was ridiculously melodramatic, as some sort of stubborn justification that I did indeed mean what I'd written, I don't know. Bear with me.

It may seem deceiving though, it sounds as if the post before the last was some starting point that led to a continuous boil up of thoughts up to a point the kettle of feelings spontaneously combusted. It conjures a picture of a frazzled, hysterical person constantly on the verge of tears and a stone's throw away from bashing their head in with the metaphorical shovel of self-loathing. No lah. My attention span is way too short for that sort of sustainability of emotion. Yes, I felt(feel) like I was(am) crap quite a substantial amount of times throughout these past couple weeks, but not all the time. Plenty of nice parts during these last few days of holidays.

I'm listening to Love Song by Khalil Fong right now, have you heard of him? Lagu dia macam dengar cokelat, it's all smooth and slow and chillaxed and chocolatey.

New semester, new semester. Final semester. Aigoo.

Anyway.

Current favourite article of clothing: An electric blue long cardigan I got for 15 dollars last month.

Most recent baking attempt: Chocolate molten lava cake. Needs work.

Current pressing mission: To ganti puasa before it's time to puasa.

Most recently completed drama series: Cinderella's Sister(Holy schmoley, I get annoyed with all dramas-korean or otherwise-after a certain point, but this one had a couple of scenes that I thought were good. They were touching, to use the cliched term.

Current objective for the final semester: To do everything I am capable of.

Most recent reiteration of dispelled notions: Pillow fights are NOT fun. Why mass media portrays it as somethings fun and light and innocent is beyond me. A single 'whomp' to the face made me realize it soon enough. Sakit doh. But I suppose it would be less painful with pillows stuffed with down feathers.

Okay. Thank you for reading. Go off and play.

In which the shit hits the fan

How's the reflecting going? Slowly. I'm chicken shit to face myself, to be honest. Scared to realize I'm drifting away from God, scared to realize I'm a procrastinator, scared to realize that I'm not a good friend, scared to realize I'm letting things slide by. It's so much easier to just stream the next video, to think of the next thing to bake, to get groceries, to listen to the next song, to read a book.

Ya Allah. Ya Allah. Why are even thoughts self-conscious? Why am I so bloody self-conscious?

What will wake me up? Why am I so stubborn, so fixed in these ways, I am deteriorating and allowing myself to be swallowed up, what the fuck am I doing?

In spite of the screwed up frame of mind and the mess of things I've done, I seem to have this unerring belief that I can fix it, that it will be okay, if only I could get my act together. If I get my prayers intact, if I apologize to these people, if I get off my lazy arse and really put my mind to things, it will all be okay, and I won't be stupid enough to have to have something awful happen before I change.

Depressingnye post ni. Get a grip, Atiqah. Go to bed.

Abaikan semua ni. Kepala aku tengah tak betul. It's 4.33 am in the morning and I'm listening to LCD Soundsystem as I type this, I don't want it to be quiet. Maybe this whole post is for show, maybe it has dredges of sincerity, maybe I can switch off the music and climb into bed and keep these thoughts intact as I wait for sleep to take me in. Maybe I'll change tomorrow.

Drowning my sorrows in kpop and chocolate milk

I just got back from a trip to Central Australia.

I thought about some things there, though not much. It was snatches of ideas and a bit of contemplation, the mind was thankfully occupied by bus trips and hikes, cold temperatures and kind, funny people.

I want to describe it all, but I have this tendency of skipping event-reporting in favour of other, more frivolous topics. Anyway, let's get some documentation going.

The colours we saw were amazing.

There was a day of blue, blue, BLUE skies, without a single cloud at all, and it made me think of mom, because she always likes a blue sky.

The colour of that red dirt out in the bush is really something. It is a rich, earthy red and brown, and it slides through your fingers and gets into your shoes and contrasts against the sky so vividly, there really is nothing like it.

The sunsets. I've always appreciated how Melbourne sunsets are different from those back home, but out where we were it was a whole new level, streaks of yellow orange and purple and magenta and blue that was beautiful. While watching a sunset at Uluru I was more busy taking pictures of the skyline than of the rock itself.

I saw the most stars I'd ever seen in a night sky out there, probably almost every single constellation. It was a sight that made me think about God, if only for a bit.

...

I have some serious reflection to do at the moment, and I don't want to do it, I'd rather watch kpop videos and drink another carton of chocolate milk, but I have to. At some points my temper flares up in the face of these circumstances and I have this urge to inflict emotional pain, I want to say "fuck you" to something or someone, using the words in all it's full-flavoured hate, and watch that person or thing shrivel up and die inside.

But those urges die quickly, and mostly I realize something's wrong here and I need to work things out.

I need to work things out.

Ceh, gila melodramatic aku ni.