How's the reflecting going? Slowly. I'm chicken shit to face myself, to be honest. Scared to realize I'm drifting away from God, scared to realize I'm a procrastinator, scared to realize that I'm not a good friend, scared to realize I'm letting things slide by. It's so much easier to just stream the next video, to think of the next thing to bake, to get groceries, to listen to the next song, to read a book.
Ya Allah. Ya Allah. Why are even thoughts self-conscious? Why am I so bloody self-conscious?
What will wake me up? Why am I so stubborn, so fixed in these ways, I am deteriorating and allowing myself to be swallowed up, what the fuck am I doing?
In spite of the screwed up frame of mind and the mess of things I've done, I seem to have this unerring belief that I can fix it, that it will be okay, if only I could get my act together. If I get my prayers intact, if I apologize to these people, if I get off my lazy arse and really put my mind to things, it will all be okay, and I won't be stupid enough to have to have something awful happen before I change.
Depressingnye post ni. Get a grip, Atiqah. Go to bed.
Abaikan semua ni. Kepala aku tengah tak betul. It's 4.33 am in the morning and I'm listening to LCD Soundsystem as I type this, I don't want it to be quiet. Maybe this whole post is for show, maybe it has dredges of sincerity, maybe I can switch off the music and climb into bed and keep these thoughts intact as I wait for sleep to take me in. Maybe I'll change tomorrow.
2 comments:
You think too much. Trying your best doesn't always equal to achieving the best results. No one is perfect. You seem to have been in this strange mood for a bit too long and it's time to stop feeling that you alone can fix everything. You can't. You need help from God and everyone around you.
One thing at a time. Prayers are important, but God knows we're deeply flawed creatures with the attention span of a four-year-old. Don't beat yourself up and ask for His help. I've asked for a lot of good things from Him and he hasn't failed me.
I used to feel ashamed to turn to Him when things go wrong, because I haven't been keeping up a good relationship with Him, as you put it. But that's arrogance, my dad said. If one day God decides that we should be on our own, solve our own problems without His blessings, we're uber screwed.
As far as friends go... I think as long as you didn't stab them in the back, they can take quite a lot. If you haven't been keeping in contact, just call them for a drink. Instead of baking alone, bake with someone. I'm sure they'll be too happy to oblige. They will understand. Everyone has ups and downs.
And I think you're the last person in the world to let things slide by. You appreciate hot chocolate and baking and kpop and the sky and weird music and a myriad of other things too much. You love your family and friends so much that you become crazy thinking you don't appreciate them. And you're marvelous at writing and making things funny. So don't worry. Things will work out, just stop beating yourself up first. You always have your friends and family and God no matter what. And fans of your blog.
Sorry if I sound patronising, I don't know how to care in a non-patronising way. Cheer up OK?
Thank you.
For your advice, for your kind words, for taking the time to write it all down, for responding to the hot mess that is me.
I must admit, I always have a defense mechanism that triggers into action when someone gives me advice, and it was no different this time, but I understand what you're saying and I honestly appreciate it. And thank you for saying I wouldn't be the type to let things slide by. that comforted me more than anything else.
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