There are times.

There are times.

There are times, when I feel like despair is wrapped tight around my heart, and I cannot breathe. I cannot breathe, and it will not get better, and I will choke.

I would be the first to contend my sadness is bullshit. Sometimes I think I would be happy to have my sorrows validated one day, to have some sadness-verifier take a look at me and say "This one's legit, folks! It's real. Her sadness is real. Her tears are not a waste of our time". But in the meantime, I wrestle with the belief that I am a stupid, selfish, self-centered idiot who finds trivial reasons to feel the blues over.

But. There's that choking feeling. Goddamn. Tell me it's real.

I have to admit, I still wait for my soulmate. I hate the vulnerability of that, how pathetic it makes me feel, how self-conscious I am because of it. I have to grow up and get that shit out of my system,man. I've embarrassed myself one too many times because of it, looked for it where it doesn't exist, get my fucking hopes up for nothing.

But sometimes, when it seems like I can't feel God, and I don't know what to do, I do think of this soulmate, and I wonder if I'm placing too much faith in the belief that things would be different if this soulmate were here.

I am so tired of being unrealistically sad. I am sick of these unlikeable parts of myself. I need to bloody relax.