Thoughts as of 21/11/2911

1. I had an alarming dream yesterday, where I was going to kill myself. And it was all condoned and official, there was a sense of of an institution or authority presiding over my planned suicide, there were official figures who were going to help me carry it out. These authoritative figures had just helped a couple of other individuals shoot themselves in the head, I watched them do it. There was another person, a boy, who was going to kill himself the same time as me, as if there was some sort of schedule of suicides going on, two people at a time. Our method of ending our lives was supposed to be by jumping off a building, but after I saw the two people before me shoot themselves, I decided I wanted to go for the gun method as well, because it seemed quick and painless, so I arranged for the mysterious officers to help shoot me in the head, right at my temple. And I recall in my dream waiting for the deed to be carried out, and suddenly it occurred to me that even though this felt right, there was a niggling feeling that God might not think so, and I could be doing the wrong thing. As much as I wanted to die, to obtain the relief that comes along with it, maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I wouldn't be getting what I thought I would. But it was too late to change my mind, I couldn't back out now.

And then I woke up.

2. Contrary to how morbid the dream was, I woke up feeling quite cheerful and eager for my oatmeal and coffee.

3. I've been doing my packing, and it's coming along nicely. It turns out I can fit 4 years in about 3 boxes and a suitcase.

4. I've never been one to have a life motto,daily mantra or wise words to live by, and I am far too cynical and in fear of sounding preachy to proclaim I do now, but one thing that occurred to me recently was that I have to do by right by myself to be able to right by others. And of course that sounds obvious to the rational mind, but it was surprising to me when I realized that. I had forgotten somewhere along the line.

5. Friday's Body Step class at the gym is conducted by this really nice American lady. And I enjoy her class, she's fun, and her routines are good. But then she started incorporating circuit training into the class, and the long and short of it is that circuit training involves burpees. Needless to say, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I still hate it after having done it a few times. I hate this nice instructor every time we do circuit training, I hate her guts for those few minutes. In that one particular track that involves the burpees, we do them interspersed with pulsing on our feet from left to right, but at the very end of the song, the nice instructor will encouragingly yell at us to do burpees continuously, on and on until the song ends. I always have to laugh at this moment, because every time, without fail, half of the class's reaction(myself included) will be to stop and stare at her in disbelief for a few seconds before grudgingly getting down and doing them.