I was thinking of doing one of those emo posts, yesterday, albeit a slightly cheerful one, because after all, it's the start of a new semester. a fresh beginning(well, not as fresh as a new year, but i'll take anything i can get), a sign that it's time to change! it's our cue to morph into that beautiful butterfly(in other words, a person that's smart, funny, independent, matured,etc.) we've been waiting to turn into ever since we cocooned ourselves and went to sleep several lifetimes ago.

why i have this mindset that it takes the start of something new to be the catalyst for change is beyond me, but there you have it. but anyway, i then lost the will to blog and decided to snuggle up with my Agatha Christie book and 4 keping biskut marie instead.

This morning, as i sat on my bed -the apartment all quiet because my roommates had left for class- i was struck(well, not struck. more like, gently nudged) by this slight feeling of dread. what triggered it? the fact that i was thinking of the things to do today, and on top of the list was to go get meat, a fortnightly activity i usually end up doing alone.

aisy! in that one thought it all came crashing back. alone. now i could identify what that nagging feeling at the back of my mind was when i thought about coming back to melbourne the last few days i was in KL. how could i forget? this dread of being alone. of solitary trips to get meat. walking on my own to uni. hearing people all around me in lectures talking to each other while i stare straight ahead, willing the lecturer to hurry up and begin.

for someone so anti-social, it's funny how i dislike this solitude i've brought upon myself.

***

"but you're in melbourne!", i can hear H exclaiming to me, frustrated with my lack of enthusiasm to go back, frustrated with me as a person. "it's supposed to be fun".

***

things haven't been so great. well, they've been fine, but at times it seems like i'm in deep shit, and that feeling of self-loathing doesn't really go away. I know i am being selfish for having the audacity to feel sad because let's face it, i have no problems. no proper ones, anyway. and knowing i am selfish adds to the reasons i dislike myself.

but i think it's fair to say this in itself may pose as a problem. i complain and then i get mad at myself for complaining, which in turn causes me to complain... .and it seemed that as long as i kept this to myself and not let loose my insanity upon other people, it'd be fine. but it gets tiring. i am growing tired of being sad and then being mad because of feeling sad. it's a frustrating cycle.

but hey. it's a new semester. and while you and i both know new semesters mean squat in the grand scheme of things, it's still something. it's time for something different. it's time to go back to God, and say sorry, and hope He'll forgive me again. and it's time to hope this blog won't be a hallmark of hypocrisy. and it's time to hope the self-loathing stops. it's time to be a better friend. it's time to be a better person.

Rilo Kiley explains it so well. thank you to kye's friend who put it up on her blog, who'll never read this but i hope my gratitude will get through. telepathically, perhaps.


Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you love things just because
Like the sick and dying

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them

Rilo Kiley - Better Son/Daughter