je ne sais pas

what do i want to say?

in one of my Agatha Christie books, i think it was 'Death in the Clouds', Poirot says the very thing that will give the murderer away is his own words. because humans, inevitably, just love to talk about themselves. something along those lines (i'm sure it was a lot less dramatic than how i put it).

it's a thursday night, and it's one of those times where there are a whole lot of stuff i want to type down here, but it's all a blur of ideas, and when i focus on one topic, it loses its intrigue and i don't see where i'm going with it.

like how when i heard the imam reciting the surah lailatul-qadr as i was leaving the masjid just now, it just seemed to sum up everything that's beautiful about ramadhan.

and how i'm starting to worry all over again whether i'm talking too much about myself in my blog. am i supposed to stick to general stuff like music and books? is it too emo or cliched of me to rant out again and again about things that i feel down about? would that be hypocritical? am i having this warped perception that a blog can act as an emotional crutch?

and that at the moment, i'm feeling a certain amount of content. i remind myself not to sweat the small stuff, and it works. it actually works.

and i'm thinking over my choice of accountancy for my degree major. despite everything, the B in AS and the horrendous marks i got for my mock exams, i'm sticking with it.i like accounting, no matter how bad i am at it. i take comfort in the precision of accounts, and despite all my grumblings, i enjoy it. so i'm sticking with the plan. degree in accounting, chartered, masters in economics. i did a reality check, and i still get that tingly feeling that says i'm happy with what i'm learning. so all systems go.

and the fact that i finally found a good music widget to put in the sidebar of my blog after going through countless of useless ones. the one from lastfm actually scrobbles efficiently, tracking all recently played songs and providing snippets you can listen to if they got the song in their database. and i want to put up a big announcement on the blog saying 'hey everyone click the play buttons on the widget!!', but then 2 seconds later i remember that other people might not actually give a damn. nevermind. i enjoy clicking them all the time, so i'll do it.

and how kakak's going back in a couple of days and part of me thinks 'oh no. i can't remember how i did it without her here'.

at the end of the day(and this post), the blur will just remain a blur until it fades away or is replaced by new things. in between i'll just settle for re-reading the silence of the lambs until i fall asleep and then wake for sahur.