cherries

being in the computer lab doesn't come in handy for people who are trying to create wonderful, meaningful, emotional posts. doesn't come in handy at all.

but you should have seen me yesterday!all emo and shit. it was crazy!i was dying to blog, but i couldn't because the broadband connection still hasn't been set up yet at the apartment. and there i was, trying frantically to get across to someone(someone as in, random sesiape reading the blog), to tell them the day i had and how it made me felt. someone shoot me.

now that it's now and not yesterday, things have toned down, and i still want to tell a random sesiape things, but between now and then, i've become aware that whatever it is i was trying to say yesterday will sound unbelievably like idiotic, self-pitying crap. which it always is, btw.

so yesterday i tried to substitute the blog and instead just type it as a normal, microsoft word document. and it was cool and everything, but it didn't feel 100% satisfactory. because that's the whole point of a blog, isn't it? a public blog. you post with the hope that whatever it is you write, there's someone out there who can identify with it and comprehend, and maybe even laugh sympathetically. the idea that someone out there understands is enough to make things slightly better.

if someone wants to tell me off and say i'm blogging for the wrong reasons, then i apologize. i'm sorry.

would you like to know what it feels like?

it feels like sitting with the nicest, friendliest bunch of people, and still feeling alone. and you want to burst into tears, because you've gone through this a bunch of times and you've sworn or at least conjured the longing to change things and make it better, but apparently you haven't or you can't. and you fully comprehend that this is probably what drives people away in the first place, but you don't understand what is it that you're doing wrong. what is it? what are you not doing correctly?

and, at the back of your mind, you worry if it's going to be like this the next time. and the next. until you stop making effort at all.

well, there you go. a snippet of insanity. or irrationality, whatever.