acronym!not aneurism, which, btw, is spelled aneurysm. my bad.

Anxiety attack.

i just checked out the requirements and the process of applying for Cambridge. i feel faint.

As recent as 3 months ago, the prospect of having to choose and apply for universities seemed like something 'lambat lagi baru kene buat'. but now i'm almost at that junction, and it's quite overwhelming. All of a sudden we're talking about UCAS forms and personal statements and choosing the right unis.

ok, starting from here on down, in all honesty, it's going to be a boring post. so feel free to skip.

first things first, i must address the issue of self-doubt that is halting my uni-picking process. self-doubt really is a pain in the ass. the niggling voice in your head that screams 'what on earth makes you think you have what it takes to even apply for these places? you're not that smart, and you don't have any oustanding qualifications. 17000 people applied to that uni last year and only 2000 were actually accepted. what makes you think you're special enough to be one of the chosen ones?'.

yeah. sometimes i look at the odds and think 'who am i KIDDING?'. i check out cambridge's website, read about the interview candidates have to go through, and think 'i'm not a person who is cut out for this. i'm not good enough. i'm just not'.

i'm tired of not being good enough. sometimes it's tear-inducing to think of the number of ways i fail to be an outstanding, and i'm just sick of doubting my capabilities, thinking that if so and so doesn't think he/she can do it, what in God's name makes me think i can? i'm tired of feeling inferior to others, fullstop. i've spent most of semashur feeling that way(and whine,whine, whine, etc. you know the drill.).

but i can't be scared. not this time. kakak said i'm destined for great things, and she may just be saying that for reassurement, because that's what big sisters are for, but still. i can try. i can step up to the plate and bloody well try for great things. Atiqah m*khtar, you have to give it a shot. don't chicken out this time. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!.sure, the possibility of rejection is always there, it's breathing down your neck, and you know firsthand how crushing it can be, but regardless of that, you HAVE TO TRY. dengar tak?!it's time to stand up and kick low self-esteem in the balls. Ya Allah, please give me strength.

my original plan was to do a degree in accounting, or accounting and finance. since progressing through alevels, i've been thinking about economics. but at the end of the day, i think i'm sticking with accounting. I'll do my degree, than apply to do my chartered(hopefully with ICAEW) and become an ACA. i WILL be a kick-ass accountant, even if i die trying.

when i first started alevels, my long-term target was LSE. LSE and nothing else, it just HAD to be London School of Economics. i know, very extreme, that. But now i've realized it doesn't have to be LSE. it doesn't even have to be UK.

I'll have a choice of applying to 5 different unis. Cambridge? Economics? i'm going to give it a go. Sure, the interview part sounds daunting, and i may end up making a fool out of myself, but i'm taking a leap. plus, i just got an impromptu mini pep-talk from my collegmate Al Marzuki, so some degree of boldness and believe-in-myself-vibes have been re-instilled. LSE. i still put it as my ideal uni. my choices for the others aren't confirmed yet, i'm tentatively looking at Edinburgh, Warwick, Bristol, Lancaster, Birmingham. More research needed, plus consultation with the parents.

It doesn't have to be UK. my parents are very keen on the States as well. I'll have to take my SATs, but there's plenty of time to do that. Penn? or UC Berkeley, maybe? Columbia. or Northwestern. I'm aiming for the good ones, because there is really no point of getting on a plane for 20 hours straight to the other side of the world to attend a mediocre university.

And what about Australia? Much closer, and much more affordable. well, theoretically, i'm banking and praying on getting a scholarship either way, but still. cost of living is much more manageable. The majority of the Group of Eight have good accounting programs. Plus, intakes are way earlier than UK, wouldn't have to worry about wasting time. i was thinking maybe ANU, Unimelb, or perhaps Sydney? UNSW?*high fives all the malaysian aussie students, in particular her favourite ones, anna and aijud :P* RMIT and ANU's entry requirements are surprisingly lenient, as compared to say, UNSW, but getting ABB insyaAllah would more than suffice.

At the rate this is going, i'm going to be applying to 15 unis. Good God.

You know, i wish sunway had just forced us all to take IELTS. then i wouldn't have to worry about unis with IELTS requirements.

this had got to be a post with the most number of acronyms on this blog.

ok, dah, dah, enough about all that. moving on to normal everday stuff. i'm thinking about going to watch transformers this weekend. wasn't really planning on watching it, i don't particularly have an interest in morphing machines, but everyone else keeps saying it's great and transformerrific, i should go see.

Guilty pop pleasure of the week, Enrique Iglesias's 'Do You know(the ping pong song)'. Ok, for one, i really wish he hadn't add on 'the ping pong song' to the title, makes me think of a disney playtime show. and there's this part in the video, just a quick glimpse, where he taps his heart two times to the beat of the song. kononnye gaya yang cool la kot, but it's just so tak jadi, it makes me giggle. but still, i have to concede that the chorus tune is nice. darn you enrique iglesias, as mushy as your songs may be, they're still so catchy and nice to sing to. remember 'Hero'? and 'Bailamos'? and 'Escape'?. yeah.