primal screaming

it seems like melancholy is making its rounds.

well, at least in the blogs i read. of all the blogs i check on a daily basis, half of them had latest posts that involved moody brooding. which is a coincedence, since i was feeling particularly shitty myself for no apparent reason yesterday.

today i am feeling a lot more cheerful, and i suspect i may be high on the fumes of the aerosol you use to spray your car tyres with to make it look glossy. the scent awfully stings your nose. i sprayed the dashboard and the steering wheel of the car with it too(the instructions on the can said i could!), and the whole car ended up smelling like it(cough cough cough). i tried to counter spray the scent with the cinnamon apple spray i found in the bakul where all the car stuff is kept, but that turned out to be for carpets. so, if you happen to catch a ride in my car anytime soon and feel faint because of a particular chemical-ish smell, put your head between your legs and sniff the carpets. they smell like apple cinnamon.

i've come to a conclusion. feeling down leads to some more feeling down. thing is, whenever i feel down, i bash myself up for it because moreoften than not, i don't exactly have a valid enough reason to feel down in the first place. so i end up feeling guilty for being such a self-centred wreck, a person who can't look at the big picture and just focuses on what's lacking in her life. another thing is, i know perfectly well that we should turn to God, and whatever harship we face in life is just a test. I mean, Allah doens't place burdens on us that are more than what we can cope with, right? but despite that, i keep getting pissed and fed-up with myself and my surroundings, that when i jolt back up and remember God, i get this crushing feeling, thinking maybe i'm not alim enough, maybe that's why i'm like this.

i've had a lot of questions when it comes to religion. i'm sure EVERYONE has. i don't think i've had the outlet to come out and ask frankly about the doubts that i have, even now. you see, all this while i've been so afraid to just ask someone and confess that i wonder about these things, because i used to think i live in a society where people look down on you if you seem to have doubts. i used to, and still do bash myself up for having doubts, pushing it away from my mind, trying to repent and apologizing to God for thinking such things.

well, fuck all that. here's what i think: God gave me a brain. if He didn't want me to think and just accept blindly whatever is thrusted towards me, i wouldn't have one in the first place. yes, i DO wonder whether me not wearing a tudung is truthfully based on the opinion that a hijab does not determine my iman or is it i actually the syeitan's ideas trying to pass itself off as logic. i worry that i'm being hyprocritical sometimes and portraying myself as a more pious person than i actually am. i have wondered how do we know our religion is the right one when everyone else also thinks their religion is right?

and if you're reading this and you're starting to think bad thoughts about me, well i would say something rude to you, because it's people like you who make me feel like i have to shut up about this and make me feel guilty for having even thought of it. it's not wrong, so stop being so freaking judgemental!

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several moments and a lunchtime later:

righty-o, now that i've gotten my rant at an imaginary antagonist out of the way (plus, i've just had lunch), i'm feeling a whole lot better. my therapist(if i had one) would be proud of me.

all pent up frustration and primal screaming aside, here's the deal:i have my questions. i think at some point, all of us do. i wish there were people who would read this and identify with what i'm feeling and justify my frustration at not really being able to talk about it. either way, when i'm feeling in over my head, i just ask myself again: Do i belive in Allah? Yes, i do. Do i want to be a better muslim? yes, i do. and, let me just pass on the advice my mom gave me: like it or not, God is always there for you to talk to Him, and you can talk to Him about anything.

i just remember that, and it makes things better.

as a sidenote, if you're wondering why the post started off so cheerful and ended up on a primal screaming note(more like, primal ranting, since you can't actually hear me), i actually started yesterday after i washed my car and was still high on the spray fumes. the post was neglected for a while until i woke up this morning feeling a trite frustrated, i suppose. however, lunch always appeases the stomach as well as the soul and therefore i'm just dandy now. i know, it's scary how female mood-swings can bounce all over the place. don't worry, i'm not like this in person. it's only my blog that's crazy.