creep

I think my former crush has a thriving social life. Whereas I, in turn, am still walking around with a neon sign blinking ‘social reject’ on my head.

Now, when I say crush, I mean that it was a fully one-sided affair. I liked this guy(though I could see no reason why and tried at regular intervals to stop the sentimentality), and it went for quite a while, and then I saw that he probably wouldn‘t be infatuated with me anytime soon, and besides, we didn’t have much in common. When you like someone, and that person doesn’t like you, you can’t do much, can you? And I’m fully convinced that it was simply a dumb thing because a) we had, as I said; nothing in common, and b) just because someone makes you nervous and flustered doesn’t mean that it amounts to an infatuation.

So that was that. However, in the time where I was befuddled and-despite active efforts to tell myself otherwise- infatuated, I managed to cause quite a mess. I told him things I wouldn’t have told my friends. I think I once told him, somewhat jokingly(but meaning it quite seriously, of course), that I liked him, and God knows what else. I suppose I made quite a fool of myself. It creeps me out to think what his perception is of me. It makes me mad to think I’m somewhat in a vulnerable position because of the stupid things I said to him.

Why would I tell him things that would otherwise have been personal? I don’t know. I suppose that in liking someone, you conjure this best image of them. You picture that as someone understanding, someone who’d listen, someone who’d fucking care, and give a damn. That’s what liking someone is about, isn’t it?

Well, he’s capable of all of the above, I suppose. The catch is, just not with me.

The trouble with unrequited like(I can’t say unrequited love, because a) hello? We don’t know what love is yet. At least I don’t, b)it’s too damn melodramatic, and c)it reminds me too much of the literature questions back in form 2 and 3. Remember? ‘What are the main themes in The Phantom Of The Opera?’.)is that you wonder what is it about you that person you’re infatuated with can’t like you back. Is it your looks? Am I too fat? Too dark? Am I too tall? Is it your personality? Am I too boring? Am I not ladylike enough? Not morally upright enough? And, unless you’re very sure and cocky of yourself, you’d probably start wondering whether you’re likeable material at all.

I think Thom Yorke gets it.

I want you to notice,
When I’m not around,
You’re so very special,
I wish I was special.
But I’m a creep,
I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here,
I don’t belong here.
-Creep, by Radiohead.

And you bounce back from it, because after all, in the grand scheme of thing, what’s a fucking crush got to do with anything? but sometimes you still wonder.

Wah. I update very regularly now, yes? I wanted to go the bed, but it was still too early.