Peanuts

I can justify it as much I want, work out a plan of repayment,be aware of how lucky I am that my parents are financially stable and that they are selflessly willing to support me, but the truth is this: I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with how much financial support I need from my mom and dad. My dad, mostly.

When I was a kid, it was taken for granted that my parents would pay for everything I needed. When I was an adolescent, I realized what economic background I came from, and at the same time realized that it was my parents who had money, and I myself was a pauper lucky enough to have a decent lifestyle funded by them. When I was 18, I was grateful my dad had the means to get me into college when I didn't get a scholarship. When I was in uni, I started realizing the need to have enough money in the bank for bills and groceries, and I found out what it's like to be strapped for cash. Call me a slow-learner, but I think I only realized the proper value of money when I came here. Well. Better late then never.

When I finally understood the value of each and every bloody dollar I spent, that's when I actually got into my head the extent of the financial support my dad was providing me. It is slightly overwhelming at times to think of the lump sum he has forked out throughout my time here.

I'm not studying anymore, and now we come to the tricky bit. Now that I'm not studying, every time I get an allowance or money from my dad, my heart feels very heavy.

Wah. Heart feeling heavy. Melodramatic, much?

But I don't know how else to describe it. I suppose there's a good portion of guilt, guilt that I'm an adult who still depends on someone, who, whilst is my own flesh and blood, is essentially a retiree who doesn't need me flushing down his cash.

But there's something else too, and that is, when you have to financially depend one someone, you are indebted towards them. And here, it's not just in terms of cash either, this debt goes beyond that, it involves the selflessness of my dad doing this for me, what it means in terms of our relationship, it goes on top of everything else I already owe to him for being my father. Do you understand?

I suppose that psychologically, this could extend infinitely, but at the moment what I know is I wish wasn't so heavily financially dependent on him anymore. I don't want to burden him anymore, and I want it to be my own money on the line when I mess up, which I seem to have a knack of doing so.

Right now I'm trying to justify and economize whatever major spending I'm doing. But things are popping up, expensive, unavoidable things that there's no way I can pay for myself at the moment. I have to ask for money from my dad, and it just. It just. It makes me unhappy.

It's a temporary thing, I know. This is a necessary route I have to take before I get on my own two feet and start earning an income.

I know.