Thoughts

Thoughts, thoughts.

The Tour de France is on at the moment, I stumbled across SBS broadcasting it live a couple nights ago while tv-surfing before bed. And while I am absolutely lost in regards to competitive cycling, it was mesmerizing. I don't know why. Something about the repetitiveness of all the legs pedaling, I guess.

I have to admit, reading the Tour de France's wikipedia entry didn't exactly enlighten me on how exactly it works. I ended up googling 'Tour de France for dummies', which yielded some reads that shed a bit of light, but it's all still very vague and confusing. Oh well. I'll just take advantage of the hypnotic qualities of watching it, I guess. It helps me fall asleep.

***

My mom's visiting me at the moment, and I am thankful.

I have been feeling low lately. Its cause is nowhere near severe as something like a terminal illness or an unspeakable tragedy, and I suspect it is merely fueled by self-pity and nothing but my own mistakes. Nonetheless, I have been sad. And while I am no stranger to bouts of self-centered blues(have you read some of the shit I've posted here?), it has been feeling like I'm in a rut I can't quite get out of, that I've screwed up too much or have been screwed with, that I can't do anything but keep numb and have the decency to keep it tightly capped, as much as I can, anyway.

Before mom came, feelings of relief that she was coming was smothered by notions that as much as I want mom to come and make things okay, I am an adult now. She can't clean up the mess I've made of things, and I can't ask her to save me anymore.

But right now, it feels like she has, like she is. Not in the sense of literally resolving my problems, but in a way that feels like I have found a bit of faith in myself again, like I can do something. She's kick-starting me. I hope to God the feeling's not temporary. I hope to God it doesn't go away.