had a bad day again

so...yeah.

my results came out the other day. in case you couldn't tell by the tak-tahan-sorrowfulnye post below, i wasn't happy. i got a B for accounting. i got As for the rest,(even GP!haha), so alhamdulillah for that. but ooff, i felt like i got socked hard in the stomach when i found out about the B. in accounting. ACCOUNTING?!

it's ironic. ironic in a couple ways, being that:
1.i wasn't so much worried about accounting as i was for econs or maths.
2. i'm supposed to become a kick-ass chartered accountant, and here i am starting off with a B in accounting at GCE AS level. looks very ominous.

so i found out about the B, and things pretty much went topsy-turvy after that. i skipped class and went home, and the crying jag just exploded. it came to a point where i secretly thought i was hyperventilating, and if not, i hoped i would. i WANTED to go into spasm or have a nervous breakdown. anything that would prevent me from having to be angry or sad or question 'why?bloody fucking WHY?'.

which may sound a tad bit overreacting to some. it's a B, not an F, and it's not the end of the world. yes, i am aware of that. sigh. but getting straight As this time around meant a lot to me,ok? a lot more than you'd think.

so, it's that time again(and this is a deja vu moment), where i try to cast around and see where the hikmah lies in all of this. and i realize that i sound a bit cynical and sarcastic, and i'm so sorry for that. a part of me realizes that i've become a bit weary and less inclined to be optimistic, but perhaps this is just temporary. once again there's that internal tug of war between trying to remind myself that i didn't get cancer and nobody died as well as feeling sorry for myself and just wanting to scream out 'i have the fucking right to be sad, even if it IS just because of a measly B!'.

but if there's one good thing about all of this, if there's anything that i'd want to remember, it's the hugs. after i first got my results, i literally, quite literally burst into tears, right in front of my accounts teacher and the rest of the classs. come to think of it, that's downright embarassing. some friends were awkward about it, as any normal person would be. but not others. jajar, without any hesitation at all, immediately hugged me and held on while i sobbed. which is quite amazing. i can't remember the last time i cried in front of someone(muhasabah diri sessions don't count :P), let alone have someone try and comfort me. and i remember Bo Eui giving me a hug too, telling me not to worry. it's weird. i remember leaning on diyana, with her hand around my shoulder. and i remember shao marching over to my side.

my family was awesome about the whole thing. awesome. i'm thankful to have them. and i'm thankful for my friends, too.

so...yeah. i'm ok. i'm dreading the thought of going back to class and back into homework, but i think i'll be able to pull cheerful off. sure, i have no doubt i'll run into awkward moments, be it doubting my capabilities all over again or explaining to someone my results or wondering what to with my cambridge application. but still. i'm trying to take this one step at a time.

one feeling down song. 'Bad Day'. contrary to pop culture, my favourite 'Bad Day'-titled song is the one by Fuel.


p/s:thanx again nani and anna and aijud and shao for your reassuring comments. i heart you guys, haha :D

and the saddest part is, i don't know what i'm supposed to be feeling anymore.

i wanted to be angry at God, and scream 'i've gone through this!i thought it was supposed to be MY time now!'. but i guess i deserve this.

i know i don't have the right to complain much, it's just a B after all. and i'm so sorry i'm being so self-centred and melodramatic. but i feel broken, somehow.

people are telling me to look on the bright side, and i'm trying to, but i can't stop crying. and i can't stop thinking that it was wrong to think that maybe, this time around, i was special enough to be outstanding. maybe i'm not special at all.

i was wrong to think anything.

cheers

one of those times where you want to blog, but can't really think up substantial blogging material.

homework load wasn't so bad this weekend, so i wasted it mostly doing nothing much, and it was quite delightful. though now i feel a little guilty having done nothing productive. no matter.

ok, everyone, indulge me by thinking up some current small pleasure at this very moment, no matter how nonsensical it is. for me, it's the fact that my pony-tail reaches the base of my neck(it's never been this long,see. or if it has, i can't remember). i can't stop shaking my head from side to side so as to feel it gently brushing my neck.

i've been keeping up with spinner.com's daily updates on the Lollapalooza music festival, and just seems like a lot of fun. hmm. a lot of fun. fun to a point where i'm wondering if i'd ever get the chance to go someday.

i'm an unsociable creature, and most of the time i'm perfectly fine with that, but once in a while i start to wonder about it, and think 'am i overdoing this?'. is it weird if i don't get messages from various friends everyday and use my phone mainly for functional rather than social purposes? is it wrong that i'm starting to lose contact with friends from school? should i scrabble to keep in touch and bombard them with testimonials on friendster and text messages, or can i just accept the fact that we're drifting apart?

*swishes hair around*

on another note, went fishing the other day, and caught quite a lot of fish, mostly talapia. if you're coming over for a sleepover anytime soon, i'll tell you straight off, i'll be feeding you talapia. talapia goreng. talapia masak lemak. talapia masak sambal. sweet and sour talapia. steamed talapia. talapia everything. in short, i'll stuff you with talapia until you can't quite take it anymore. i'll sumbat you with talapia until you'll be screaming 'TALAPIAAAAAAA!' in your nightmares.

i like funny commercials. but i also like the one by Sonyericsson for their walkman phones. it just makes perfect sense.


cheers, everyone, for no reason whatsoever. it's been pretty uneventful, save for a significant occurence or two, but i have a feeling things are going to spice up.

exhale

i'm very sorry if i've been off-kilter. very sorry i haven't been keeping contact. so very sorry.

i think it's a shame that i can't stand cheese(except for pizza and lasagne cheese and cheezels). i think cheese cakes are the prettiest cakes around.

finally have a proper date for AS results, they come out on the 9th of August. i will start worrying on the 8th. I've been a bit busy trying to get the cambridge application together, and, while it has been horrid at times, i'm kinda getting excited at the prospect of applying there. which is bad, since it'll be more of a blow if i don't get in, so i'm trying to temper the enthusiasm.

is it better to be blunt and honest with your opinions, or is it okay to tell white lies if it means reasurring someone else? i suppose some find it more honourable to be unforgivingly truthful in whatever circumstance, reasoning that a white lie just to comfort someone is unfair and might end up hurting them anyway. yeah. i guess that's true. but sometimes, i still wish someone would lie anyway.

i've read the new Harry Potter book, courtesy of Tesco, RM69.90. i won't say anything about it so as not to offend the not-yet-readers, and for those who have, we'll have something to gush about if we meet up, yea?

Thanx to kakak, i have a bunch of new songs to listen to. Belle & Sebastian, people. Listen if you haven't. oh, and hani lent me her Clash cd! i'm now an avid listener. i think it's fantastic!it's a greatest hits album, two cds. if you want to try listening to The Clash, i suggest 'Train in Vain', 'Rock the Casbah', 'London Calling', 'Should i stay or Should i Go'. Good stuff. And, it's cool how they're music actually makes comments on social and political issues.

nani, if you dare leave for canada without telling me your departure date i'll come and haunt yout.

i'm going fishing tomorrow with the family. must.catch.fish.

take a look/listen at this. acappella,yo.

i want to be the sugar plum fairy

i. went. samba. dancing.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

it's pretty funny. if i were to list down weird habits, one of them would be imagining dance routines to music i listen to. and not necessarily choreographed, Wade Robson style dancing either. oh no, that wouldn't be worth daydreaming about. i would imagine dancing to The Killer's 'Mr. Bright Side' or Say Anything's 'Alive with the Glory of Love', in the style of jive, or perhaps west coast swing dancing. yeah. mane main normal hip hop dancing. that's like, so nineties.

so yeah, i went and join Sunway's dancing club. abaikan the fact that i'm in my third and last semester, have exams coming up in a couple months and that i'll probably be malas to go to practices after a few times, me and Hani joined and went for the first class tadi. not bad!at least we did learn some stuff, did some dancing. nowhere near like how i dance imaginatively, but still. baby steps.

my kakak's back, so that's good. she got me a bunch of stuff, among them Greg Laswell's 'Through Toledo'!!!!good stuff. very gloomy, but i like gloomy. perfect rainy afternoon cd. and she also got me my very first copy of Q magazine. great la wei, just great. i loved all their interviews. they even made Daniel Radcliffe sound nice and cool.

You know when you drive past a guardhouse with a palang, and they lift it open for you, you put your hand up as a gesture of thanks? well, I was driving back home the other day, and i had to pass through the guardhouse at the entrance of the neighbourhood where i live. there was a car in front of me, so the guard pressed the button to make the automated palang thing lift up. as the car drove through, i also followed la, and gave a vague glance at the security guard and lifted my hand up. when i did, i saw him wave back at me, returning my gesture. immediately after that, as i looked back in front, i saw the palang drop back down and ker-plunked neatly on my hood.

'Aah!', i yelped, and whipped my head back at the guard. i must have looked at him with some fury, because he stumbled around for a few moments before pressing the button to lift the stupid palang up again. i gave him another haughty look, and went off. and as i reached home and was parking my car, barulah sedar that perhaps he wasn't exactly returning my gesture when he angkat tangan, he was more likely siganlling at me to stop. patutla cam enthusiastic sangat wave die. oh well. in all fairness, selalunye when there's a couple cars at once coming in or going out, the other guards know how to keep the palang up instead of having to let come down, then press the button to make it go up again for the next car. but no worries, no damage done anyway, the palang has a rubber strip at the base that absorbed the impact, so it didn't dent the hood.

I like to hum Tchaikovsky's 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy' everytime i see theo the bunny prancing about. just like in the trailer for The Simpsons Movie.

You know, i've been tentatively listening to club music. techno, trance, electronic. just wanted to try it out and see how far my music tastes expand. of course, i don't know nuts and can't really tell one from the other. and i don't know any musicians related to the genre except the really famous ones, so i've just been checking out a few songs by tiesto and benny benassi. To be honest, i can't really see the difference between a good dj and a mediocre one, but for some reason, i'm growing quite fond of trance music. at least, some of the trance songs i've heard so far. somehow the repetitive beat, in all oddity, is quite calming.

My favourite threat to say to someone is 'I smack you then you know'. just the right amount of humor and violence put together.

Right now it's night time and it's raining. perfect. i'm going to while the night away by listening to Badly Drawn Boy and Kings of Convenience and doing some econs questions.

update: i didn't post this yesterday, so now it's afternoon and cloudy. not listening to anything, and still doing econs questions. go figure.

whipped into a frenzy

stop. pause. suspend. berhenti. red light. freeze. take five. whoah there, horsie.

third semester is just crazy, man.

not to say that the atmosphere is crazy, like we're all scurrying around frantically with disheveled hair, careening from class to class. because we're not. we're learning a lesser amount of subjects as compared to last semester, so my timetable this time around is in a way freer. but still.

Work is steadily piling on like nobody's business, and while it's not as if i didn't have a lot of work last time, i feel like i'm becoming a zombie. a 'belajar-makan-homework-tido-belajar' zombie. there's just no time to do anything else! well, yes, i can choose to do other things, like how i spent my evening yesterday finishing up my inaugural Artemis Fowl book kindly lent by Shao, but at the expense of slacking off my homework and resulting in a backlog of things to do the next day. in other words, i can try and stare homework down and watch as it backs away, snarling. but the minute i turn around it'll lunge and eat my head. bad analogy? ooff.

better write a checklist, just in case i forget. a weekend is approaching, and that's dangerous business. i can be easily lulled into complacency:
1.study intergration and differential equation and algebra for maths test.
2.tweak up econs presentation.
3.finish up vector homework.
4.find last semester's accounting homework. marginal costing, i think.
5.i know without doubt we'll be given econs homework tomorrow, so do that too.

My AS results are coming out on August 9th, gah. i don't see the point of prematurely worrying about it, but all of a sudden a lot is riding on these results. i can't apply for good unis if i get mediocre results, yes? (i can hear 'duh!' in the background).that reminds me, must finalise uni options soon and write personal statement draft.

the talk about oxbridge applications given by a rep from MABECS very much spooked me. candidates have to have a PASSION for the degree subject matter they're applying for. PASSION ah? candidates trying for economics should be well read on current economic issues, with The Economist and the business section of newspapers encouraged daily reads. business section? interviews are technical with in-depth questioning on subject matter, and interviewers may take you further and further in to see how well you think on your own feet. technical?think on your own feet?

too bad we have to be sincere and truthful when writing our pesonal statement. i would have added 'did a stint with Mercy Malaysia and Unicef after SPM' as well as 'speaks malay, english, french and conversational tagalog.'

there's this one scene in Grey's, second season i think, the part where Christina lost her pregnancy. there's this scene where she's still supposed to be off-duty, confined to bedrest, but she's all antsy and tries to sneak in some patients. throughout her whole ordeal with losing the baby she didn't shed a tear and kept insisting she was fine, but then at one point, after confirming she was right about something, she just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying, wanting to stop but sobs still came out.

that sounds very appealing. crying undeliberately and without control. not that there's a specific reason at the moment for wanting to do that ke ape, but i think we're all entitled to a little breakdown once in a while.

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to,
cry if want to, cry if i want to,
you would cry too if it happened to you!

acronym!not aneurism, which, btw, is spelled aneurysm. my bad.

Anxiety attack.

i just checked out the requirements and the process of applying for Cambridge. i feel faint.

As recent as 3 months ago, the prospect of having to choose and apply for universities seemed like something 'lambat lagi baru kene buat'. but now i'm almost at that junction, and it's quite overwhelming. All of a sudden we're talking about UCAS forms and personal statements and choosing the right unis.

ok, starting from here on down, in all honesty, it's going to be a boring post. so feel free to skip.

first things first, i must address the issue of self-doubt that is halting my uni-picking process. self-doubt really is a pain in the ass. the niggling voice in your head that screams 'what on earth makes you think you have what it takes to even apply for these places? you're not that smart, and you don't have any oustanding qualifications. 17000 people applied to that uni last year and only 2000 were actually accepted. what makes you think you're special enough to be one of the chosen ones?'.

yeah. sometimes i look at the odds and think 'who am i KIDDING?'. i check out cambridge's website, read about the interview candidates have to go through, and think 'i'm not a person who is cut out for this. i'm not good enough. i'm just not'.

i'm tired of not being good enough. sometimes it's tear-inducing to think of the number of ways i fail to be an outstanding, and i'm just sick of doubting my capabilities, thinking that if so and so doesn't think he/she can do it, what in God's name makes me think i can? i'm tired of feeling inferior to others, fullstop. i've spent most of semashur feeling that way(and whine,whine, whine, etc. you know the drill.).

but i can't be scared. not this time. kakak said i'm destined for great things, and she may just be saying that for reassurement, because that's what big sisters are for, but still. i can try. i can step up to the plate and bloody well try for great things. Atiqah m*khtar, you have to give it a shot. don't chicken out this time. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!.sure, the possibility of rejection is always there, it's breathing down your neck, and you know firsthand how crushing it can be, but regardless of that, you HAVE TO TRY. dengar tak?!it's time to stand up and kick low self-esteem in the balls. Ya Allah, please give me strength.

my original plan was to do a degree in accounting, or accounting and finance. since progressing through alevels, i've been thinking about economics. but at the end of the day, i think i'm sticking with accounting. I'll do my degree, than apply to do my chartered(hopefully with ICAEW) and become an ACA. i WILL be a kick-ass accountant, even if i die trying.

when i first started alevels, my long-term target was LSE. LSE and nothing else, it just HAD to be London School of Economics. i know, very extreme, that. But now i've realized it doesn't have to be LSE. it doesn't even have to be UK.

I'll have a choice of applying to 5 different unis. Cambridge? Economics? i'm going to give it a go. Sure, the interview part sounds daunting, and i may end up making a fool out of myself, but i'm taking a leap. plus, i just got an impromptu mini pep-talk from my collegmate Al Marzuki, so some degree of boldness and believe-in-myself-vibes have been re-instilled. LSE. i still put it as my ideal uni. my choices for the others aren't confirmed yet, i'm tentatively looking at Edinburgh, Warwick, Bristol, Lancaster, Birmingham. More research needed, plus consultation with the parents.

It doesn't have to be UK. my parents are very keen on the States as well. I'll have to take my SATs, but there's plenty of time to do that. Penn? or UC Berkeley, maybe? Columbia. or Northwestern. I'm aiming for the good ones, because there is really no point of getting on a plane for 20 hours straight to the other side of the world to attend a mediocre university.

And what about Australia? Much closer, and much more affordable. well, theoretically, i'm banking and praying on getting a scholarship either way, but still. cost of living is much more manageable. The majority of the Group of Eight have good accounting programs. Plus, intakes are way earlier than UK, wouldn't have to worry about wasting time. i was thinking maybe ANU, Unimelb, or perhaps Sydney? UNSW?*high fives all the malaysian aussie students, in particular her favourite ones, anna and aijud :P* RMIT and ANU's entry requirements are surprisingly lenient, as compared to say, UNSW, but getting ABB insyaAllah would more than suffice.

At the rate this is going, i'm going to be applying to 15 unis. Good God.

You know, i wish sunway had just forced us all to take IELTS. then i wouldn't have to worry about unis with IELTS requirements.

this had got to be a post with the most number of acronyms on this blog.

ok, dah, dah, enough about all that. moving on to normal everday stuff. i'm thinking about going to watch transformers this weekend. wasn't really planning on watching it, i don't particularly have an interest in morphing machines, but everyone else keeps saying it's great and transformerrific, i should go see.

Guilty pop pleasure of the week, Enrique Iglesias's 'Do You know(the ping pong song)'. Ok, for one, i really wish he hadn't add on 'the ping pong song' to the title, makes me think of a disney playtime show. and there's this part in the video, just a quick glimpse, where he taps his heart two times to the beat of the song. kononnye gaya yang cool la kot, but it's just so tak jadi, it makes me giggle. but still, i have to concede that the chorus tune is nice. darn you enrique iglesias, as mushy as your songs may be, they're still so catchy and nice to sing to. remember 'Hero'? and 'Bailamos'? and 'Escape'?. yeah.

primal screaming

it seems like melancholy is making its rounds.

well, at least in the blogs i read. of all the blogs i check on a daily basis, half of them had latest posts that involved moody brooding. which is a coincedence, since i was feeling particularly shitty myself for no apparent reason yesterday.

today i am feeling a lot more cheerful, and i suspect i may be high on the fumes of the aerosol you use to spray your car tyres with to make it look glossy. the scent awfully stings your nose. i sprayed the dashboard and the steering wheel of the car with it too(the instructions on the can said i could!), and the whole car ended up smelling like it(cough cough cough). i tried to counter spray the scent with the cinnamon apple spray i found in the bakul where all the car stuff is kept, but that turned out to be for carpets. so, if you happen to catch a ride in my car anytime soon and feel faint because of a particular chemical-ish smell, put your head between your legs and sniff the carpets. they smell like apple cinnamon.

i've come to a conclusion. feeling down leads to some more feeling down. thing is, whenever i feel down, i bash myself up for it because moreoften than not, i don't exactly have a valid enough reason to feel down in the first place. so i end up feeling guilty for being such a self-centred wreck, a person who can't look at the big picture and just focuses on what's lacking in her life. another thing is, i know perfectly well that we should turn to God, and whatever harship we face in life is just a test. I mean, Allah doens't place burdens on us that are more than what we can cope with, right? but despite that, i keep getting pissed and fed-up with myself and my surroundings, that when i jolt back up and remember God, i get this crushing feeling, thinking maybe i'm not alim enough, maybe that's why i'm like this.

i've had a lot of questions when it comes to religion. i'm sure EVERYONE has. i don't think i've had the outlet to come out and ask frankly about the doubts that i have, even now. you see, all this while i've been so afraid to just ask someone and confess that i wonder about these things, because i used to think i live in a society where people look down on you if you seem to have doubts. i used to, and still do bash myself up for having doubts, pushing it away from my mind, trying to repent and apologizing to God for thinking such things.

well, fuck all that. here's what i think: God gave me a brain. if He didn't want me to think and just accept blindly whatever is thrusted towards me, i wouldn't have one in the first place. yes, i DO wonder whether me not wearing a tudung is truthfully based on the opinion that a hijab does not determine my iman or is it i actually the syeitan's ideas trying to pass itself off as logic. i worry that i'm being hyprocritical sometimes and portraying myself as a more pious person than i actually am. i have wondered how do we know our religion is the right one when everyone else also thinks their religion is right?

and if you're reading this and you're starting to think bad thoughts about me, well i would say something rude to you, because it's people like you who make me feel like i have to shut up about this and make me feel guilty for having even thought of it. it's not wrong, so stop being so freaking judgemental!

****************************************************

several moments and a lunchtime later:

righty-o, now that i've gotten my rant at an imaginary antagonist out of the way (plus, i've just had lunch), i'm feeling a whole lot better. my therapist(if i had one) would be proud of me.

all pent up frustration and primal screaming aside, here's the deal:i have my questions. i think at some point, all of us do. i wish there were people who would read this and identify with what i'm feeling and justify my frustration at not really being able to talk about it. either way, when i'm feeling in over my head, i just ask myself again: Do i belive in Allah? Yes, i do. Do i want to be a better muslim? yes, i do. and, let me just pass on the advice my mom gave me: like it or not, God is always there for you to talk to Him, and you can talk to Him about anything.

i just remember that, and it makes things better.

as a sidenote, if you're wondering why the post started off so cheerful and ended up on a primal screaming note(more like, primal ranting, since you can't actually hear me), i actually started yesterday after i washed my car and was still high on the spray fumes. the post was neglected for a while until i woke up this morning feeling a trite frustrated, i suppose. however, lunch always appeases the stomach as well as the soul and therefore i'm just dandy now. i know, it's scary how female mood-swings can bounce all over the place. don't worry, i'm not like this in person. it's only my blog that's crazy.

Delays come in many forms...

And the cutest one is when your pet bunny is under the car and won't come out.

i bought my kain baju raye already! just a friendly reminder that ramadhan will soon be upon us, and the merry aidilfitri that follows. it seems like thai silk and this other sorta see-through type material(chiffon?) is all the rage this year. i followed my mom to jalan TAR on tuesday to go kain hunting. You have your not so expensive kain stalls, with prices ranging between RM20 to a hundred over for four metres of kain, and on the other hand you have the super duper premier kain shops, selling God knows what type of silks at RM200 A METRE. ni kain nak pakai gi mane?pertabalan raja?

you know, concerning the Altantuya case, i'm not really in a place to comment ke ape, but i was just wondering, does Razak Baginda's family believe he's really innocent, or do they accept that he's done wrong but are looking past that and still love him anyway? i mean, their show of support is tremendous, with the whole t-shirt thing, and showing up in court 100%, talking to and hugging him whenever possible. it just makes you wonder, what would you do if your husband supposedly had an affair with someone and later conspired to have her murdered? it's unimaginable.

Did you know that every member of Queen wrote songs for the band?and that they're the only group in which every member composed more than one chart-topping single. that's aweseome.

Cleo(our cat) craves attention(when she's not being a complete tabby and ignoring us the way high and mighty cats do). she'll miaow and miaow and miaow until we lead her to her food and stand next to her while she eats it. and theo?(our rabbit). aisy, i feel so guilty when it comes to theo. mase mule2 dapat die i was so semangat clean out the cage every evening, get his food ready, chop up carrots or find some kangkung for him to nibble on, and usher him into the cage bile dah petang. but when exam season came along i was knackered by the time i got home that i didn't do all that, i left it to kak nikki, our maid. so now she takes cares of him and calls him Molly no matter how many times we tell her he's a boy, and we named him Theo. so whenever i see theo and pet him i feel guilty. i bet this is how a working parent feels like when they have to go to work and leave the upbringing of the child to the maid. kesian die. tak pasal2 he's perceived as the opposite sex. no matter. he seems happy enough.

i hate it when people take phrases like 'i miss you' for granted. they just toss about those words, even though you know that they have most likely NOT been missing you nor really thinking about you anyway. i know i shouldn't be a big grouch over this and just appreciate the sentiment of the words, but what's pretty words when it's insincere? don't say you miss me if you don't.

i went on the G-Force again. the guy at the kiosk suggested i may be addicted to it, which could be true, i guess. adrenaline rush.

my prayers to have daim cake were answered, shared a slice with mom today. ikea is really nice and all, but it's so commercial. you have to think twice before buying the blue mugs or the wooden frames from there because everyone already has them. but still. i have to concede that their showrooms make a nice grownup play area.

i'm going to have to start pulling myself together for the new semester. Ya Allah, please give me strength.


she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly,
Off the coast and i'm heading nowhere,
she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly.

i'm wearing a headband. one step at a time towards a beanie

dvd box sets. they're a pain, i tell you.

I went to Summit the other day for dinner, and my dad so kindly consented to my request to buy Grey's Anatomy Season 3 dvds. Aijud, now i can be up to speed with you,heh. i can cam the quotes you took from it! Because of the dvds and my obsession with Meredith Grey and the gang, i've been up two nights without sleeping. stupid dvds. addictive stuff.

today is an ugly day, because of the dvds. lack of sleep has me looking like a creature suffering from a hangover from hell(theoretically speaking, mind you). You know how there are some days where no matter how you comb your hair, or try to make yourself look presentable, you just end up looking like crap?yeah. it's an ugly day.

this is going to be long.

yesterday me and my cousin went to watch cheer 2007!i've always wanted to go see it. blame it on 'Bring it on'. so, i finally got the chance to see malaysian cheerleaders. that's one wish down. another similar wish is to go see the lion dance championships at Genting. but i'll save that for another time.

cheer was interesting. i'd definitely go again next year. the energy is amazing! as in, a huge crowd of girls and some guys screaming like crazy. the cheerleaders themselves was one thing, but their supporters were another. wild.

plus, after the thing was over, when me and Syefik were walking back to the car, we bought roti ais krim. 4 scoops of ice-cream in a hotdog bun, eaten while strolling through Bukit Jalil stadium. that in itself was enjoyable.

i had a very weird dream. i dreamnt i was pergnant. and while that may be inappropriate to blurt out to the world, here's the thing. i didn't get pregnant in a normal way, it was in vitro fertilization. funny, that.

Semashur moment. when i was school, i learnt that it's not fundamental to have a pot and a stove to make maggi. hot water, leave the maggi to stew a couple of minutes in a tupperware with the lid on, and voila. ever since i've finished school i've still been cooking my maggi that way. ntah, malas nak keluarkan a pot and wait until the water boils. but now i've re-learnt my lesson. no maggi can ever beat maggi cooked in a pot, with an egg cracked in, hands down.

i once heard rumors that the boys went and cooked lots and lotsa maggi in a baldi once, then ate it. is this for real? if it is, that's GROSS.

here's something i can hum 'it's a small world after all' to. the other day, i checked aijud's blog for any updates, then i clicked on the links on his blog(blog-surfing, my favourite mindless activity). which subsequently lead to clicking on the link of that person's blog, and bla bla, you get the picture. anyway, i came across the blog of this guy, and i was reading his latest post, when i saw my dad's name. i read the post again, it turns out he had bought my dad's old iMac from low yatt. i was extremely tickled, more so because he was more or less gently reprimanding Mr.Mokhtar Daud for not taking better care of the iMac, hee. Mr.Amerhadiazmi, if you ever see this, thanx for an interesting read. you don't have to refer to the iMac as Mr.Mokhtar Daud's iMac anymore, because it's yours :) and just for the record, my dad is neither the filmmaker or photographer. he's the dude from ExxonMobil, public affairs manager. go figure.

i really hope mom decides to buy goreng pisang for tea today. PLEASE.

i like doing personality tests. i think everyone does, actually. we all just love to read about and analyse ourselves. my favourite test so far is this one, the reason being that it's short, (just choose a picture) and is surprisingly quite accurate. not bad.

You know, if i had to be completely honest, i'd say i still feel disappointed
whenever i see any of my friends fly off to study elsewhere, or hear them talking about their plans of flying off elsewhere. i still feel angry when i have to explain to someone that i didn't get a scholarship and watch as they try to find a face to cover the awkward moment. when that happens, i get a little frantic inside and want to explain to them in a rush 'look, it's not that i didn't get it because i'm dumb and didn't get good results ke ape, it was just my rezeki'. but i don't say it, and just carry on and tell them what i'm studying and where. yeah, well. still got kinks to work out in this whole acceptance(otherwise known as ungratefulness) business. i'm getting there.

i want to go to tioman and go snorkeling. gemia island will do too. i want to hug koala bears. i want to browse through the record store. i want to go to ikea and eat the daim cake at their foodcourt. the soundtrack for Elizabethtown(the original scores by Nancy Wilson, not the songs by various artistes) is beautiful.

my cousin Syefik got a perfect 4.0 GPA for his exam. i'm so freaking proud of him, it's scary. feeling sort of maternal. however, i am also freaking jealous, it's scary too. feeling sort of homicidal.

3 movies, 3 favourite soundtrack scores.
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-Theme by Jon Brion

2. Elizabethtown-60B(theme) by Nancy Wilson

3. Little Miss Sunshine-The Winner is by Mychael Danna and DeVotchka


we also got the second season for My Name is Earl. cam tak tido je minggu ni.

wistful

ever since i got back from having tea with mom and jijim at an oldtown kopitiam outlet tadi, i've been feeling ridiculously cheerful. Giddy, in fact. must be the side-effect of their ice-blended white coffee. caffeine buzz.

i think it's official. I've joined the ranks of the Arctic Monkeys' legion of fans. You know, to be honest, when they first came out and there was all that hoo-haa about them and their album, i didn't really get it. I listened to 'I bet that You Look Good on the Dancefloor', and it was alright, but i didn't think it was THAT fantastic.

I repent!i repent! This album, 'Favourite Worst Nightmare', is just fantastic. Yes, i was miffed that they didn't provide the lyrics and instead had an album cover made up of pages of 'art'(more like blank coloured pictures), but the cd itself makes up for it. i can't stop playing it. In fact, i'm starting to think i should get the first album too.

i can't though. i'm broke. well, not completely flat-out broke, but i've been to the ATM so many times this month, i'm feeling way over my head. half the papers in my wallet are receipts, rather than proper money notes.

chop, going off on a tangent there. where was i? the album. Once again, i can't measure them in technical terms, since i'm not a musician myself. I once read a comment where some guy criticised them, saying they were amateurs and didn't have any real skills, which may be true, i don't know, they didn't exactly have any jaw-dropping guitar solos throughout any of the songs, but still. The riffs!the beats! the lyrics!ntah, for some reason i just dig all of it. and yes, i guess i can understand why some people may complain that their songs may sound repetitive in terms of style, but for me it didn't seem boring or worn out. while the style IS generally the same, the songs (for me) was distinctly different enough from one another for each to have its own uniqueness.

Out of 12 songs in the album, 7 are absolute favourites, listen-on-repeat songs. the other 5 are also good, the kind you grow to like the more you hear them, that in the end you just have the whole album on repeat. I highly recommend anyone who trusts my taste in music to listen to the album. And, i underestimated Alex Turner's vocals all this while. Especially on the song '505', his voice just really caught hold of my attention, bile dengar lagu to baru i became aware of his range and the unique quality of his voice. yeah, well. this is just my opinion.

At least try looking up these songs,ok? ntah knape aku nak promote sangat lagu dieorang ni pon tak tahu, but i guess i just want to share what i think is a good thing. 'Teddy Picker', 'D is for Dangerous', 'Only ones Who Know', '505', 'This House is A Circus'. Another thing i noticed about the album is that in most of the songs, Alex Turner's voice is altered to sound like it's sung through a speakerphone. Karen O's voice from the yeah yeah yeahs was altered the same way on their album 'Fever to Tell'. While it distracted and irritated me to some extent on 'Fever to tell', it didn't bother me at all on 'Favourite Worst Nightmare'. Another reason why i like this cd so much.

must. stop. gushing.

hey, i know this is irrelevant, but i finally decided to organize my songs and make playlists. i used to be of the sumbat-je-semue-lagu-and-listen-on-shuffle species. but that didn't work out, because moreoften than not, i'd want to hear a certain genre or tone of songs, depending on my mood, and i didn't have psychic powers to control the order of songs the shuffle control belted out. but now, my problems are solved! i have my 'giddy' playlist, my 'wistful' playlist, my 'feeling down' playlist, and a few others. this may sound insignificant, but it does give a sense of accomplishment. it's the small pleasures that count, yeah?

i thought this was interesting. Don't know if you've heard about it(i didn't before this), but i read in the papers today about Paul Potts, who apprently won the hearts of the British public. He's your average mobile phone salesman, who tried out for Britain's Got Talent, a brainchild of Simon Cowell's. Anyways, watch the video, which shows his tryout for the competition. He went on to win. your basic fairy-tale story of success, quite touching, as far as reality talent shows go.


i wish i could try wearing a beanie. but there really is no point. nak pakai gi mane? genting highlands?

smile and wave,boys,smile and wave.

i'm definitely getting hooked on the artic monkeys. but, if i ever become a singer(which i know i never will,but regardless of that), i'll make sure every cd i release includes lyrics in the cd cover. Because the highlights of getting a new cd include listening to it for the first time in your car on the drive home, listening to it for the 2nd time as you upload it to your itunes, and lying back on your bed before you go to sleep, listening to the album again while scrutinizing the album cover, checking out who wrote what song as well as singing along to the song BASED ON THE LYRICS PROVIDED IN THE COVER. grr.

oh,oh, check this out, i went to sunway lagoon theme park today with some college friends(luisadamamanweileongshaoatrashparthken) and went on the G-Force!(is that the correct name?yeah.whatever). for those who don't know, the G-force is that thing where you sit in this half-sphere contraption, with elastic ropes attached to these two poles, and what they do is launch you up, i mean literally shooting you into the air. sort of like the slingshot/lastik concept. i knew there was one at kl tower, but i had no idea they'd installed it at sunway. it was just an opportunity too good to be missed. haha, yeah man. it's wild. but honestly, it's nowhere near as scary as the solero shot at genting.

shao, we rocked la. we're G-Force veterans :D none of the guys would try it out, which is too bad, but it DOES make us look ten times more macho,haha. thanx for the invite, you snatched me away from the clutches of boredom. and you're right, the artic monkeys cd WAS a good buy.

i realise i am often too harsh when describing SEMASHUR and the years i spent there to other people. everyone's going to start thinking it's hell on earth ke ape, based on my description. so, let's set the record straight.

1.semashur has a pretty campus, surrounded by beautiful scenery, really a perfect tranquil place to provide a conducive environment for studying(this sounds very promo-ad-like, but it's true). plus, semashur provided the environment, the teachers, and the conditions that allowed me to get straight As.
2. while i studied there, during the early years there were a lot of utility problems, like water and electrical problems, which really tainted my perception of the school, but back then the school was still practically brand new, so as the years passed by, the kinks were worked out.
3. while i stand firm by my comments about the mentality and the atmosphere of the school, which i think more or less affected my self-esteem and confidence, that doesn't mean that it was a place that totally brainwashed me and made me into a hooligan ke ape. semashur taught me plenty of stuff, spiritually, socially.
4. sometimes, i wonder maybe if it would have been better studying elsewhere and not devoting 5 years to that school. but then i wouldn't have gone through some amazing experiences, like the debate seasons, and hari sukan frenzies, and meeting great friends and some great teachers.
5. pendek kate, i say a lot of times that i don't like the time i spent at semashur. but usually that perception is tainted by all the bad experiences i've had there, that it blocks out my memories of all the GOOD experiences, and therefore that perception is unfair. i mean, if it was THAT bad, i wouldn't have stuck it out for all those years. right? the good things made me stay on. so...yeah. i may say that i dislike the way semashur has had a negative impact on me, but that doesn't mean there wasn't any good effects. there were plenty, and i highly appreciate them.

this may sound weird, but yesterday i watched 'Never Been Kissed' again on astro, and for some reason Drew Barrymore's character Josie was so irritating that i wanted to slap her. yeah. it's hormones. i don't usually resort to physcial violence, hah. The movie just seemed so awful(much more awful than the last time i watched it). 'Ever After' and '50 First Dates' are better, as far as romantic comedies go.

bungee jumping. now there's a thought.

it's been a while since i've done the list of random stuff.

1. my dad went on a business trip recently, so i had asked him to look out for some cds. out of the 6 i asked for, he only found one. but, fret me not, it was regina spektor's 'begin to hope'. she rocks. i'm happy.

2. whenever i bath my cat, which i do in the bathroom, i end up washing the whole bathroom as well, since cleo will freak out. not hysterically, but she'll miaow super loud, and pace around the whole bathroom while i attempt to follow her around with a gayung full of water, trying to pour it over her. today, as i bathed her, she jumped from the floor onto the sink countertop, knocking over a plant vase in the process.

3. my dream is to have an entire wall full off cds. oklah, too ambitious. a shelf-ful, then.

4. i'd like to think that someone's blog gives a clue to who they are, and how their personality is. but maybe that's just bullshit.

5. we're going to have our very own hyde/central park!(if you don't know what i'm talking about, you didn't read the papers today). i cordially invite you to come have a picnic with me once it's finished. someday.

6. seeing that i have about 2 more weeks left of holiday, i bet myself i'll be blogging practically everyday, because of nothing else to do. i plan to bath theo, our rabbit, and wash my car, but after that there's nothing else to wash. i'll have nothing to do. i'll rot with boredom.

7. this may sound superbly jiwang and uncalled for, but i once had this dream i was floating on a pelampung or something, and there were many other people floating too, but i was starting to float off away from them, further and further. i had my eyes closed. then i started when i heard someone, someone i knew, calling to me rather sharply, telling me not to float too far off. my initial reaction was irriation, annoyed that he was ordering me around. but a split second later i realized he wasn't trying to be bossy ke ape, he was trying to keep me safe, because he loved me. that realization was with such CONVICTION, and it was so vivid, i woke up thinking 'oh. THAT'S what love is about'. yeah,well. jiwang karat moment of the day. don't puke on me.

dah. too much jiwang karat sampai dah lupe other stuff to ramble about.

no tomorrow

prom. fuh.

i thought it would be too predictable to talk about graduation night, but i might as well jot down some significant stuff about it here as a momento.

Prep for graduation night started off with me feeling happy and touched that my mom doted on me, helping me out. my mom really went all out, taking me on a dress-hunt, trip to the hair-dressers, doing my make-up.

i've never been to a proper social event among peers, (well, the f3 and f5 dinners might count, but efforts and enthusiasm and returns for those were mostly half-hearted), so this was quite an event. i mean, this time a lot of thinking and vain pondering actually went into getting dressed for it. ha-ha. wore a dress for the first time in a looooong time. the thing that really tickled me was the fact that my dress has the type of skirt that twirls around nicely when you spin. couldn't stop twirling around when i tried it on.

ooh, but before that, i went to the hairdressers. thoughts that ran through my mind while sitting in the salon chair:
woh,sedapnye rase the shampoo on the scalp, it's cold.how convenient that they don't need to wet our hair first, just lather on the scalp terus. ow,ow,OW!this lady tak potong kuku ke, SAKITNYE!SHE'S SCARRING MY SCALP!this is just like that part in 'Memoirs of A Geisha', when she goes to the haridressers to get the apprentice hairstyle for the first time. how did she put it? 'it felt like he was using a hoe on my scalp', or something like that. must blog about this. warn people to beware of this shampoo-in-salon-thingie. since when ah hair-stylists decided to massage their clients skali when shampooing their hair?sedapnye massage around the temples. haha,haha, geli,GELI! stop trying to massage me around my shoulders and neck, it bloody tickles!

and yeah, it went like that for a while as she rinsed out my hair, but then got it all settled. for some reason, i don't know if it was the shampoo or the effect of the straightening iron or both, but my hair(even now), smells to me a bit like maple syrup on pancakes.

The night itself kicked off with me coo-ing over everyone else and how fab they looked. seriously, it was like hotness prevailed and everyone just looked hot and dashing and whatever other flattering comments. every few seconds i'd go like 'ah!lawanye!', and 'woh,smart gile wei',and the likes.

there was dancing after the official ceremony was over. dancing. wow. i am not ashamed to admit that i was completely jakun about this because there was no dancing in semashur(God forbid), and i am not a clubber/raver, so it kind of awed me to think that i oould dance in public, and not in my room with the door locked.

so did i dance?hell yeah. after the initial awkward jiggling around trying not to be self-concious, Bo Eui managed to entice my inner wade-robson-wannabe, and we started grooving along.

*disclaimer:if anyone from college who reads this happened to notice me on stage or on the floor prancing about attempting to dance(but probably failing), you now understand why i did it so badly. i'm a dance novice. an ulu yam one at that).

seeing the crowd of a-level people dancing(there was a dj, and the lights were red/yellow/blinking floodlights) gave me a general idea of what it must be like in a club or at a rave. and, trying it out for myself, it's easy to see why people enjoy it. and it's also easy to see how people can just so easily forget about everything else, or lupe diri, or whatever. it's intoxicating, actually. when there's a good beat on, it just brings out this energy and you can't help but sway along and be part of it. and, dancing to a good beat surrounded by your friends is just plain fun.

no, i won't start going on dancing rampages anywhere, so actually having the experience to do it for the first and probably last time was great. great. part of me thinks, 'oh God, i actually bloody DANCED, what's happening to me?', but i now realize that it's just dancing. with friends, and with no intention except to celebrate the finish of AS and the company of a-level people. i had fun. I HAD FUN!it feels so good to say that.

note to self:just forget the flash when taking pictures.

kudos to the freaks and chicks for great band performance. you guys rocked. in fact, practially all performances were satisfactory, for me at least.

one of my favourite pics with my favourite lovely amies:


pendek kate, it was fun. i wouldn't have had it any other way.

Ball of Fire

I was moderately pissed off yesterday.

I asked out a bunch of friends i haven't seen in a long time to meet up. Everyone gave a satisfactory response, save for one.

Me:So jadi plan, right? we'll meet up there at that time.
Grr:um..kat situ lagi?isn't there any other place to go?hehe. who else is going?
Me:well, i thought it'd be easiest to go there. if we go anywhere else then there might be transport problems or whatnot.
Grr:um...ok, i guess. what are we going to do there?
Me:look, if you're malas to go there and would rather be somewhere else, no problem. if you want to do anything special, why don't you discuss with the others. i'm cool with anything.
Grr:oh..it's ok, no matter how boring it is, it's been a while since we've met. so, it's no big deal.

for God's sake. that person really had no idea how hurtful their remarks were. well, maybe you don't find it hurtful either and can't see the point of this rant, but I'M pissed. it's as if they were reluctant to meet us in the first place, like they had to check out where we're going and who's coming along in order to ascertain a valid purpose of actually joining, and then they have the nerve to sound like THEY'RE being the gracious one, coming to see us even though they're bored and would rather go somewhere else.

That hurts. friends aren't supposed to make you feel that way, are they? i wanted to scream 'you're supposed to be excited that we get to meet up with each other again after ages, not worry about where we're going!!'. it's about the company, not which hip and happening hangout place we're meeting at.

and no, it's no one you know, so please don't start assuming names or whatever. i'm writing this down here to say that if i have EVER done this to anyone, if i have ever sounded this demeaning or as if i didn't really value your company and took an invitation for an outing with you for granted, then i am terribly sorry, and i will try my damndest not to do anything like that ever again.

ok. be off, negative vibes.

oh,i made up a new msn account. SEMASHUR people use yahoo messenger, college people use MSN. hmm. so anyway, i did already have an msn account, but it was an old one using this old email address i had, which is super embarassing. i can't imagine what i was thinking of when i made it:

phayze_1@angelfire.com.(prounounced phase one). Sheesh. sounds a tad emo, if u ask me. oh, but that's not the worst. i used to have an email something like cute_crazy_cuddly@hotmail.com. The horror!i believe those were the days when i still thought Backstreet Boys were fantastic/awesome, and Nick Carter was the cutest one of them all. *shudder*

So anyways, my new hotmail is atiqahm*khtar@hotmail.com. if anyone who reads this has messenger, please add me up,yah? may the bonds of communication between us strengthen and the folds of our friendship flourish. um,yeah. and all that jazz.

oh yes, i knew i forgot to add something in. MY EXAMS ARE OVER!! whoop-dee-doo. i can't do much now except pray i didn't do any careless mistakes and pray i get straight As.

You know, i was thinking the other day. it's quite amazing how typed laughter has evolved. You have your regular 'haha','hehe,'hihi','hoho'. then you have stuff like 'wakakaka, 'bwahaha' and 'muahaha'. For some reason, there are people that type stuff like 'keskeskes' and 'kokokoko' to indicate laughter, though i can't see why, because it sounds nothing like a laugh. and then of course, someone came up with the idea of...i can't remember that word that means the use of the first letter of each word.... (abbreviation?anagram?no. aneurism?). well, whatever, but it's for stuff like 'lol', and 'lmao', and 'rofl'. How come there's no malay one? like, 'gkk' for 'gelak kuat-kuat' or something.

i can't believe i've yet to rave about The Noisettes on my blog. i bought their cd a couple months back, awesome. definitely one of my favourites. the thing is, their music at times can be a bit over-whelming, but it's the kind you grow to like. pendek kate, this record is the kind that pushes the boundaries of your music interests. and that's gooooood. their first single, 'Don't Give Up' is great. Lyrics are brilliant, plus, THIS is my idea of a proper motivational song. none of that Mariah Carey's 'I Can Make it Through the Rain' or any other chicken-soupish song.



Don't be alarmed by the lead singer's dressing, or by their quirkiness. That's part of what makes them fascinating.

rock bottom

Magazines have always been a source of guilt for me.

The first magazine i ever forked out money for was an issue of Malaysian Seventeen,i think, somewhere in form 2. I'd usually buy it once in a while, if i happened to go out with friends during pulang bermalam from school. Then, it moved on to Cleo(honestly, i think Seventeen, despite it's name, actually caters to tweens and young teenagers. By the time you're seventeen you'd have move on to Cleo). So yeah, i bought some issues of Cleo. but then i stopped, since i figured it wasn't doing me any good. a lot of pages, especially the make-up and cosmetics pages went unread, because i for one don't use make-up, and i hardly use cosmetics(is facial cleanser a cosmetic?). and even if it was nice to browse through the fashion and trends section, it's not as if i had the money to follow up and buy the clothes they promoted, could i? So whenever i buy a copy of Cleo, i feel guilty because the 6 ringgit i spent on it could have been used to pay three days worth of college parking tickets.

Gossip mags like Hot are very entertaining. But it makes me feel guilty everytime i buy it because i'd be funding the work of papparazzi, who are possibly the scums of the earth, and also because every time i buy it, the voice in my head would go 'well,this is very...bimbo-headed of you, isn't it?'.

I've never bought Time or The Economist, because dad subscribes to it, so i can just tumpang sekaki and read his copy. And though some of the articles in them can be interesting, and i should read these magazines because they are chock-full of information and general knowledge that will make me a 'mature,intelligent and aware civillian of modern society', sometimes, they can be freaking boring, and that's the absolute truth(for me anyways). and that makes me guilty, because i SHOULD be a fan of those magazines and read every issue ardently. but i'm not. half of the articles go unread. damn.

so magazines equate guilt for me. But all that has changed. well, at least, to some extent. because you see, a few days ago i bought my first ever copy of a music magazine. Rollingstone, 31st May issue. RM20.90. A ridiculous amount, if you think about it, because that figure could buy me an Agatha Christie book. But oh, it was worth it. every single penny. I devoured practically every article, every interview, every music review the magazine offered. Terrific. It took me as much time to read it as i would a book.

even though it's more expensive than the average local magazine, i still think it was worth it. Now i see why my friends Bo Eui and Hani are willing to spend so much on fashion magazines. (we're talking about 70 ringgit for a MAGAZINE). i guess When you're interested in something, it becomes worth spending the extra amount on. They really are passionate when it comes to fashion. I'm not talking bout mags like Cosmo or Glamour ke ape. this is hardcore stuff, Italian Vogue, and magazines i can't even remember what are their names.

Well, i don't think i can afford to spend 70 bucks on a magazine, but i am definitely buying some more music mags. maybe i'll try Spin, or Q after this. I'm sorry all previous genres of magazines i've read, but i don't think i'll be reading you anymore.

swear words.

i don't understand people who attempt some sort of censorship when typing profanities and instead type this:

f*ck. or b*tch. or fcuk.

there's just no point in doing that. unless we're very dimm-minded, it is most likely that we're going to understand what you really meant to type. that just defeats the purpose. so might as well use proper spelling, ey?

ok. soul-searching moment of the day. here's the deal. the absolute truth is this: i sometimes see myself as pretentious. i tend to expect too much from the people around me, and when they don't live up to these incredibly high standards i have, i tend to retreat into this dark hole where i stay most of the time. once in a while, i look at myself, and think, 'the person i am when i'm alone is different from the person i am when i'm in front of people'. and i am shit-scared to talk to anyone, tell them about this and ask them their opinion, because i am shit-scared that they will look down on me. that they'll think they are holier-wiser-better than me.

i'm trying to find rock bottom. i'm am trying to start fresh. i am trying to be 'me'(whoever that is), without giving so much thought to what other people might think.

so:

hi. my name's atiqah.
i'm 18 going on 19.
i have a tendency to be overemotional, but i'm trying to overcome that.
i don't say fuck to people, but i do say it to myself when i'm angry or frustrated.
i don't wear a tudung, and i still tend to oversleep and miss subuh, but i'm trying to be a better muslim.
i am quite bad at meeting new people, and i tend to be all awkward, but please don't think i'd purposely try to snub you or wouldn't want to be your friend. if i had it my way and could control things, i'd give you the biggest grin and somehow say something that we could both laugh about.
i am very insecure about my looks, but at times i can be very vain, without having any reason to be.
i can be very enthusiastic and expressive about certain things, and i like music.

and usually i'd worry about being too whiny on my blog, but that's just membazir masa. it's my blog, and therefore i have the prerogative to be as whiny as i want on it. that's half the reason why blogs are so popular these days, aren't they?if you find my incessant whinying and self-pitying rants distasteful, you have every right to stop reading and move on to greener pastures on cyberspace.

this feels good. hello, ayang.

Hello lamp post...whatcha doin'?

i wish i could just buy all the songs i wanted. when i like a track, i wish i could buy the album containing that song, the whole kit and caboodle.pendek kate, i don't want to download things anymore. it makes me feel so freaking guilty.

the wonders of file-sharing. when i was first introduced to it(iMesh, in the computer kat bilik kaunseling semashur, circa 2002), i was overjoyed at the thought of being able to find any song i like, and downloading it so easily. so convenient! so fantastic! so of course, the whole downloading/making playlists/burning cds phase came about.

So from imesh, to kazaa, to limewire, to Aeres. i've heard the campaigns aganinst file-sharing copyrighted stuff, i knew that it's detrimental and unfair to artists and stuff, but i still did it, and i still do.

But lately my conscience is starting to get to me. i mean, it's always been there, quietly but consistently bugging me whenever i'm downloading anything, but now it's not so quiet so much as to shout in my head. 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! KATE JE SUKE THIS BAND OR THAT SINGER OR WHATEVER, BUT IF YOU REALLY LIKED THEIR MUSIC, YOU'D BUY IT AND LET THEM EARN THE ROYALTIES AS THEY SO RIGHTLY DESERVE!'.

Yeah. My most recent downloading binge came about with Greg Laswell, but now i've stopped because he's producing too many good songs for me to rip him off. I'm sorry, Greg Laswell. I will buy your cd if only i could find a shop around here that actually sells it.

Now, it's Albert Hammond Jr. Please ship your cd to Malaysia. PLEASE.

Problems:
1. I don't actually have the funds to buy every cd i want.
2. A lot of times the CD i want can't be found in shops here, or else i just have very bad luck when it comes to looking for a specific cd.
3. i'd buy the cd i want online, but it practically always needs paypal or a credit card or whatnot, which i don't have, and i doubt my parents would lend me theirs.

selambe badak je cakap pasal downloading stuff and whatnot,ah? yeah,well. whatever.

i wish the bands/singers i like would actually come down to malaysia and perform. you know what turns me off? when a band comes to singapore, but skips malaysia and moves straight on to Bangkok. or, lagi best, they just come to Singapore and that's it. Their one-stop-centre for South East Asia. pfft.

You know what else is irritating?Going to midvalley and seeing a guy carrying his girlfriend's handbag. For God's sake, why would he do that? better still, why would the girlfriend LET him do that?i find it such a demeaning gesture(for the guy). Very de-macho-tizing.

Here's something random. have you ever read 'life of Pi'? it's one of my favourites. there's this one part in the book, where Pi meets the muslim man and learns about Islam. Once of the things the muslim man told him was "if you take two steps towards God, God runs to you!". I liked that sentence a lot, it stuck in my mind. a couple weeks ago, i was pleasantly surprised to find out that that sentence is actually a real hadith as riwayat-ed(i don't know the english word for riwayat :P) by Salman Al-Farisi.

Dari sahabat Salman Al-Farisi r.a, ia berkata, Rasulullah SAW bersabda: " Allah ta'ala berfirman:"Bila hamba mendekatkan diri kepadaKu satu jengkal, Aku mendekatinya satu dzira'. Dan jika hamba mendekatkan diri padaKu satu dzira', maka Aku mendekatinya satu hasta, dan bila hamba mendatangi Aku dengan berjalan, maka Aku mendatanginya sambil berlari"

it gets tiring after a while to read someone's friendster profile and read in the 'about me' section something akin to the following:i hate back-stabbers and hypocrites. Don't judge me unless you get to know me first. i don't really smile to people i don't know, so some people may think i'm arrogant. i'm not. once you get to know me, i'm really friendly. i don't know how to describe myself, but here's some of the things people have said about me...(followed by a number of glowing testimonial excerpts).

my favourite subject is economics. i LOVE economics! well, i don't really like it when it's during exams or when we have to do assignments or answer data response, but i love the whole idea of it. It has a direct and obvious link to what's going on around us. science subjects like physics and bio have an even more blatant connection with everyday life(i.e.:twirl a wet umbrella around and droplets of water come flying off!the wonders of inertia!)i guess, but i'm really no good in science. i wish i was.

i think i really was meant for arts, though. i've finally found my niche in the education system! i feel relieved whenever i think of this and compare it to the days when i took physics. me and physics, sadly to say, just don't click. i used to be in a literal daze whenever we had physics class. getting my physics paper back after a test succeeded in making me feel dumber each time. you know when you try your hardest to study something and it doesn't work and your grades don't improve?yeah. it was a dead end with physics.

but now i'm here, and as stupid as this may sound, i still get this tingly feeling of happiness whenever i evaluate what i'm studying(when i'm not cursing bile my accounts don't balance). this was just meant to be.

do you often think ahead, and you realize that by the time something happens, something else would have already passed? like, by the time kakak comes home, my AS will be over. by the time i sit for my A2, kakak will have gone back. by the time my 'P' license expires, i'll be done with A-levels. By the time i finish A-Levels, nani and sal will have already flown off to their respective foreign universities. yeah. it's sorta depressing to think like that at times. but whatever. one obstacle at a time.

If i had a wheelbarrow full of money,i would buy:
1. Spin, Q, Juice, Junk, and whatever other music magazine.
2. The new Sue Monk Kidd book.
3. CDs
4. Sunglasses for mom.
5. Grey's Anatomy season 3 box set.
6. DVD for Blades of Glory or whatever movie that tickles my fancy.
7. Go watch all the summer blockbusters at the cinema.
8. Blanje my friends to a meal, and ice cream.
9. Buy a whole bag of those Staedtler coloured pens so i'd finally be able to have colorful notes in class.
10. A new collar for Cleo.
11. A loofah, and skin moisturizer.
12. Go to a hair salon and change my hairstyle.
13. A smashing present for whoever's birthday is coming up.
14. clothes. mut buy some casual t-shirts and shorts.
15. Since i have a barrow full of money, might as well get House box set dvds, for all seasons.
16. alarm clocks(proper ones that force you to get up).
17. an extra telekung.
18. oh yeah. proper outfit for prom.
19. dangly earrings.
20. decorations for my room.

damn panjang this post. but really, listing down all the stuff you can't buy can be quite therapeutic. try it yourself.



this song makes me happy. 'She Loves You' by The Beatles. It's as if the song is saying 'like, duh! You have EVERY reason to be rejoicing. why aren't you?'.

this is what blogs are for.

EBD

excessive blogging disorder.



everyone and everything in thise video just looks bloody cool. Albert Hammond Jr looks hot.

I've a question for anyone who plays guitar(read:aman and shao, since you guys are the only people i know who play guitar who may read this question,heh), is this song hard to play?if you didn't watch the video, i'm talking about 'Reptilia' by The Strokes. I'm not really one to pay extra attention to the arrangment and details played specifically by each instrument in a song, but for the past couple days i've been scrutinizing 'Reptilia', and i've just really noticed the..watchamacallit...(riff?melody?) played by Albert Hammond Jr(the one with the white guitar), especially heard/seen during parts between 2:07 to 1:51 in the video. usually i'm just focused on the trademark riff that plays at the beginning of the song, after that i'm off mumbling along with Julian, but as of late i've been concentrating on the guitars and the solos in it. i know nuts about guitars, but it sounds awesome and complicated. is it?

people to meet during the holidays. i have this vague feeling of dread that if i don't meet a few of these people during this holiday, i might not meet them again after(i'm not saying that anyone will DIE, i'm just saying that we'll drift apart from one another).
1.make plans to meet sal,ina,asiah.
2.make plans to meet dee,
3.make plans to see syefik.
4.make plans to see kak dila.
5.nani, miss salmi, kak farhana.

2 subjects down, 2 more to go!

i keep forgetting what coutry Hugo Chavez is president of. Cuba? no, cuba is fidel castro, if i'm not mistaken. Venezuela? My general knowledge is in the dumps. must check on wiki kejap lagi.

oh, you know what? my college's Triple A night is coming up soon, about a week after exams. In others words, prom night(sounds so much more social-butterfly-ish, yea?). Hmm. nak pakai ape ah? Let's aim for OUTRAGEOUS! with glitter make-up, sequinned dress, the works. yeah, right. if past proms/social events are anyhing to account for, i'll probably show up looking like a wallflower. Must learn to incorporate some va va voom into dressing and style.

OMG!i just found a video of the strokes featuring regina spektor. hell yeah.

i am rambling on incoherently, i'm aware.

must.stop.blogging.must.go.STUDY.(but for some reason, i feel like won't).

the signs said stop; we went on whole-hearted, it ended bad, but i loved what we started

are my posts too goody2?

i always thought i was the cynical, pessimistic link in my family, but as i read my old posts yesterday, i thought 'wow. i can be quite the fluffy duracell bunny when not writing the sombre, moody posts'.

um,i may have complained of this before, but at that moment it just felt again like i'm not really quite that certain of my own personality.

If ie ever won this special contest that allowed me to run through a good record store, grabbing whatever CDs i could reach for free, i'd snatch up:
1.Greg Laswell- 'Through Toledo'
2.Fiona Apple - 'Extraodinary Machine'
3.The Kooks - Inside in/inside out'. *i actually bought this cd for luis, but when i came back again to the same store to get one for myself, it was sold out. shoot.
4.Snow Patrol -'Eyes Open'
5.Ray Charles - a greatest hits album or whatever
6.Billie Holiday - have always wanted to listen to her
7.Pete Yorn- 'musicforthemorningafter'
8.Louis XIV 'The best Little Secrets are Kept'
9.Arctic Monkeys - both albums
10.By this time my time would probably almost be up, so i'll just grab armloads of whatever cds that's nearest.

kakak,come home quick. it may not be obvious sometimes, but we do miss you, you know.

During tea just now, my parents were talking about figures and yearly estimations and stuff that i couldn't understand. my mom caught sight of my puzzled looked and explained they were talking about retirement funds, and launches into a lecture about how i should start saving early in order to have an adequate retirement fund when i'm 55.

'That's why a lot of people prefer to work for the government, so that they'll have a pension. like daddy ni, once he retires, he won't get a pension(just a lump sum given straight off)'. If you earn around RM3000 a month, by the time you're 55 you should have around RM700k in order to survive on a daily expense of around RM3500 a month'.

While i'm trying to juggle the process of taking in the information and at the same time thinking 'woh, mom's really got this down', dad chimes in that once he retires he'll turn really stingy and he and mom, in typical fashion starts jesting about how they'll cut back on electricity, save up rain water, and only flush when they do number 2,heh.

Then dad continues, 'when people retire, they have to depend on their children for income.' On cue, they both looked at me silmutaneously, and we laughed about it. but i've just realized something.

My parents have always seemed larger-than-life to me.i've just realized that they are growing old, and it's inevitable that as people grow old, they grow frail.i'm growing up, and soon they're going to rely on me to support them, financially, emotionally, physically. i know it's a natural part of life, and is bound to happen. but i look at myself and think 'i'm not ready to grow up and be responsible'. it bloody scares me that as i grow up i'm going to have to stop leaning on my parents for support, and instead, have them lean on me and trust me with taking care of them. i'm not ready. i'm 19, but at this moment, i still see myself as a kid. i don't want to think about my parents getting old. not yet.

so for now, i'll just join mom and laugh about how my dad is psyched over his new tv and satellite dish. it looks like a kuali sitting out there on the lawn, but it's cool,yo. we can watch channels from france, taiwan, singapore, etc. never mind the fact we can't speak any of their languages. it's the visuals that count.

Blu Skies

i can't cook. like, seriously.

i've yet to read Sophie Kinsella's 'The Undomestic Goddess', but that seems like an apt nickname. i really am a dud when it comes to house-keeping. i hardly help my mom with the cooking, except during raye, when she need the extra (wo)manpower to chop up bawang and daging and stuff. i have, at regular intervals, asked myself, 'what makes the kuah gulai/masak lemak yellow in colour?' and 'what makes kari into kari, besides santan?'. I cannot verify any type of fish at the supermarket except maybe bawal and ikan pari, and catfish. Whenever mom asks me to go ambik some daun kunyit from its plant we have outside, i have to ask 'daun kunyit yang mane satu ah?'.

yikes. i never planned on being a career woman who depends on her maid to cook food for the family, but at the rate that i'm going, i'm going to end up one of those people who sets the stove on fire whenever she attempts to cook. note to self: must learn the workings of the kitchen pronto.

music. As recent as 2 years ago, i don't think i really appreciated the aesthetics of music back then. i don't know how people like my sister or Kye source out their music, but at least i'm related to one of them, because if not my knowledge of music would have been limited to fallout boy and nsync. Kye, kalau anda baca ini, terima kasih banyak2 for recommending to kakak Greg Laswell, i looked him up and went on a downloading frenzy after. Thank you. if you come over for a sleepover again i'll let you have the good piece of chicken. Good music works like a drug for me. I don't know if this is dangerous, but i can literally drown in a song. You know when you find a song that just fits your mood perfectly, and the lyrics uncannily reflect what you're feeling?Aah. Sometimes you get the feeling you just want to float away with the tune. You play it over and over again with hopes that every time you hear the song, your problems(however trivial they are) just chip off and away. Sometimes i'd choose music over company.

I have a one week break before my next paper, and another week of break after that before i sit for my remaining papers. The Cambridge Board people are either very generous, giving us a lot of last-minute cramming time, or they're vey diabolical and want to prolong the agony of exam season.

note to self: don't analyse the papers i've sat for already. dum-dee-dum. think happy thoughts. SMILEY FACES GALORE. yeah. happy.happy.joy.joy.


Saw this on this week's batch of PostSecret cards, and i echo the comment that was sent in respond to it:i wish more desperately than anything, that this postcard was for me.

krispy kreme

Once again i pay tribute to what may be my most favourite song(or at least one of my favourites):


Ooh, check out Snow Patrol's new song 'Signal Fire', which is part of Spiderman 3's soundtrack. wicked. video is very cute as well. i've yet to see spiderman 3, is it any good? i'm much more looking forward to shrek 3 and pirates of the caribbean.

i've had a few bad incidents happen lately, but good music is an awesome way to just drown everything out. and, pardon the pessimism, but now i know i have a valid reason and example for not telling other people about things i think are problems. it just doesn't make a difference, yeah?

Listen to Snow Patrol's 'open your eyes' as well.

I watched the video that lim kit siang posted up, that showed the incident where the Kinabatangan and Jasin MPs gave those stupid bocor remarks. i have come to two conclusions:

1. our parliament debates are like having chickens and ducks squabbling in a reban. i remember someone telling me there's a reson why we never air parliament sessions on tv, except for clips shown during the news. now i can see why.

2. The kinabatangan MP thought he was just oh-so-witty when he hollered the remark. and watching him, you're left thinking: these are the people who are representing the rakyat? bloody hell.

I wish i was doing this:


here's something random. you know how we(not, everybody, but a lot) eat with our hand? but when we go to a fancy restaurant, or a hotel, we usually eat with fork/spoon/knife. if you go somewhere really classy, there's no way we'd use our hand to eat. use untensils, and God help you if your chicken flies off your plate as you try to hold it with your fork and use your spoon to tear pieces of it off.even at school dulu, remember how whenever we had like makan beradab ke ape, for a really important occasion, the wardens would remind us to bring our own fork and spoon? why ah like that? it's as if using your hands to eat is a common thing, a manner not to be displayed at fancy dinners. i think it should be the other way round. we should upgrade the general perception and make eating with our hands part of high-class dining etiquette. All restaurants, no matter how expensive, should provide those teko things yang selalu nampak kat kenduri tu to provide diners with water to wash their hands with. kalau fancy restaurants yang snobbish tu, use teko made out of silver or platinum or whatnot. i mean, eating with our hand is part of our culture. there's no need to think it's inferior to western perceptions of proper dining, right?

i would like to try krispy kreme doughnuts. sedap sangat ke?

Brianstorm(no it's not brain, it's brian)

it's been the first time in a while that i haven't blogged 3 days from the last post. what a difference college makes!

so yeah, classes have started, and my AS is in less than two weeks, but my brain is still recovering from the mush it had become during the break. gotta get into gear, man.

i snooped around the collection of cds in my parents room, plucked the greatest hits albums from The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, and Fleetwood Mac from the rack. Why oh why didn't i listen to them before?

Rain is getting more scarce these days. Recently, on a few days the weather has been glorious!(minus the heat factor). I'm talking CLEAR blue skies, the kind with practically no clouds, and makes you walk around with your head tilted up because you're dazzled by all the blueness.

My grandparents anniversary is coming up. 58 years, i think. So we're having this family gathering on sunday. To be honest, i'm not a big fan of family gatherings. not because i don't like my extended family ke ape, i should be so thankful to have them. But it gets tiring to explain to your uncles for the umpteenth time that you're doing a-levels, and yes, you'll probably major in accountancy for your degree nanti, and no, you're not interested in science, and smiling sheepishly when they admonish you for wasting your SPM grades and not going into medicine. I'm not close with most of my cousins, so there'll be the struggle of thinking up stuff to talk about after the general 'hi'. as a matter of fact, the most standard question after the greetings is 'kakak camne?', which refers to my sister who's studying in London. and of course, the pre-requisite after that is 'bile die nak balik?'. yeah. got in down with a pat. aisy. note to self: must learn to stop being so awkward around family. their FAMILY for God's sake.

it will be nice to see nenek though. nenek is the only one who finds my jokes funny :p

The alarm hasn't been effective in waking me up the past few days. i use my phone, so whenever it goes off in the morning, i snooze it a couple times, then switch it off while lazing around for a while before finding enough conciousness to lug myself off the bed. however, on wednesday, i snoozed it, switched it off, and failed to regain conciousness after that. woke up when mom called me over the intercom at 7.45am. 7.45! i'm usually out of the house by 7.30! cripes. And then this morning, jangan cakap about snooze, i slept through the alarm itself. the alarm tone couldn't get through la-la land to wake me up. i find this worrying. i'm going to be one of those people who has to set 5 different alarm clocks to ensure that i'll get up early.

Refer to video:

Brian, top marks for not trying,
so kind of you to bless us with your effortlessness
we're grateful and so strangely comforted.
and I wonder,
Are you putting us under,
Cause we can't take our eyes off the t-shirt and ties combination,
Well see ya later, innovator.

sentimental contemplation

Today we had the parent-teachers meeting at sunway. so mom and i loped off to college tadi, got most of my results.

i'm thankful for my results, but let me just say this here and now. if the General Paper was a person, i'd wrap my hands around his(i assume it's a he) neck, and squeeze as hard as i can. May he asphyxiate. Wargh.

Anyways, yesterday i couldn't sleep, so started thinking about some stuff. soundtrack of that moment of contemplation:


I love this song so much, i've played it 81 times. in a row.

So anyway, i remembered something yesterday. I used to have this classmate during form 2, very peculiar person. He once asked another classmate of mine, this cute girl, to go steady with him. she said no, so that was that. A couple weeks later, he asks a different girl(another classmate, mind you) to be his girlfriend, and she also declines. Yet a few weeks later he asks a different girl(STILL in the same class) to be his. Third time's a charm? nope. she said no too.

Well then, he was heartbroken about the whole ordeal for a while, having scored a hattrick in rejections. But did he learn from it? nope. a couple months later rumors were flying around that he was pursuing this girl from another class. wah. very perseverant ah? Yeah. at least she wasn't from the same class.

There was quite a few people like that in school. rather than liking a certain person whole-heartedly and therefore pursuing them, it's as if they only like the idea of having someone they can call their boyfriend/girlfriend. it doesn't matter who it is, as long as that person is partially attractive and isn't anti-social. as long as ade someone, sudahla.

i wonder if that's something you outgrow or are those people still the same?

i've said before in a previous post that i've never had a boyfriend, and i'm not looking for one. proud of it, babe :p anyway, i also mentioned some of the characteristics i hoped my partner would have, if i ever found him. but yesterday, i thought about it, and asked myself, am i expecting too much? am i subconciously hoping and expecting, in a way, a Mr. Perfect to show up at my doorstep someday?

Because if i am, than that's just stupid. there's no such thing as perfection. isn't it the imperfections of a person and how they deal, cope and define themselves with it, isn't THAT what differentiates one person from the other and therefore makes them attractive to us? isn't that what makes us truly love someone? Because i think to love someone, among other things, is to accept their flaws as well. right?

i think there are also some people who concentrate too much on finding that perfect someone. That's why when we meet somebody who has the potential of being that perfect someone we've been looking for, we tend to portray them or see them in a certain light, perhaps even deluding ourselves into believing they have certain characteristics or qualities. then, when you finally see that they're not perfect after all, and that they're actually different from how we expected, we just end up disappointed.

It's quite a conflicting matter, actually. on one hand, you've got the people who don't care how their partner is, as long as there IS a partner. on the other hand, you've got people who are so intent on finding that one true love(excuse the cliche), that they reject anyone who fails to live up to their standards. I mean, this is if your talking about extremities la. In reality, i guess most people are somewhere in between.

I just have to ask a question. where do you draw the line between having certain standards for your potential partner and not being too uptight or picky?

uh. right. this may have been a little too much contemplation,heh. but i really just had to get it off my chest.

i guess that in general, i think that now, at 18 going on 19 years of age, i put a lot of faith into the whole soulmate thing. this may sound corny, but i really do think there IS someone out there for each of us, and it's just a matter of time and God's permission that we'll find him/her. even with all the divorces flying around now, i still believe in this. i don't know. just optimistic, i guess. Besides, isn't our jodoh already pre-ordained by God? so yeah. no worries.

hark at me talking about jodoh and stuff. bukan main lagi, ek?

here and there

this post will be scattered all over the place, so bear with me if you're actually willing to read through it,yea? lol, i'm sorry.

i spent quite a lot of money over the span of this holiday. in all honesty, i spent my allowance surplus as if dah abis A levels terus, sedangkan belum habis second semester pon lagi. but it was so much fun! in truth, this holiday feels like one of the best i've ever had.

not to say that i did anything special or go somewhere exotic, because i didn't. in fact, i spent most of the time at home. but that's the whole beauty of it! i did all the crap i wasn't able to do before because of homework or studies or classes. i bought 2 cds and actually had the luxury of just lazing around on the bed listening to them while checking out the album cover and reading the lyrics. i went out and had BLUEBERRY PANCAKES WITH ICE-CREAM with an old friend. i stayed up all night to WATCH TV. i played a few pieces on the piano. i washed my car, giving it the full works, vacuum and all. there was time to read the papers!

I went out with me mum yesterday, and we bought this bag at 50% off, the bargain being half the reason i'm happy with it. the thing is, on the bag there's this design made out of gold bolt-head thingies, studded into the bag. i thought it was some sort of random design, looked a bit like a flower. skali tgk(mom had to point it out to me), it's actually in the shape of a tengkorak. a skeleton head.

right. i bought the bag, which is moderately large in size, to alternate as a school bag, and also to use when i go out with friends on a day trip so that i can stuff in my telekung(i've had enough of using the telekung available in places like midvalley, or klcc). now that i think of it, i'm going to be carrying my telekung around in a bag that has a tengkorak on it.

yeah well, whatever. what difference does it make,anyway? i'm not superstitious, am i? no, i'm not. pfft.

but starting from now i'm seeing it as a big smiley face on my bag. that, or it's a picture of a wrestling mask.

oh, i watched this v-log of an autralian woman on youtube, and she said that many austalians like tim tams, the way americans like oreos. betul ke aijud/anna? have you guys been aussified enough to have developed this habit too?heh. so, based on her video and the comments she got, there's this thing called a tim tam slam, where you bite off each end of the tim tam, and use it like a sort of straw to suck up the hot beverage you're drinking(coffee/tea/milo/whatever), then, with the tim tam softened, you pop it into your mouth. i was so curious about this that i bought some tim tams that day from the supermarket. they even had intructions on how to do it printed on the packaging! so i tried it out. it's quite good. a tad bit messy though, since the chocolate coating the tim tam will melt and slide around and leave smudges on your fingers/mug/lips.

i want to watch Blades of Glory. Nothing like a good Will Ferrell movie to laugh to.

I really should start remembering that my AS is coming up.

one more thing. i cry too easily when watching movies. if someone dies in a movie, i cry. if someone's cat dies in the movie, i cry. if the movie is about some ants on the sidewalk getting troden by a shoe, with proper panning and a good soundtrack, i WILL cry.

how the heck do i overcome this?