what do i want to say?
in one of my Agatha Christie books, i think it was 'Death in the Clouds', Poirot says the very thing that will give the murderer away is his own words. because humans, inevitably, just love to talk about themselves. something along those lines (i'm sure it was a lot less dramatic than how i put it).
it's a thursday night, and it's one of those times where there are a whole lot of stuff i want to type down here, but it's all a blur of ideas, and when i focus on one topic, it loses its intrigue and i don't see where i'm going with it.
like how when i heard the imam reciting the surah lailatul-qadr as i was leaving the masjid just now, it just seemed to sum up everything that's beautiful about ramadhan.
and how i'm starting to worry all over again whether i'm talking too much about myself in my blog. am i supposed to stick to general stuff like music and books? is it too emo or cliched of me to rant out again and again about things that i feel down about? would that be hypocritical? am i having this warped perception that a blog can act as an emotional crutch?
and that at the moment, i'm feeling a certain amount of content. i remind myself not to sweat the small stuff, and it works. it actually works.
and i'm thinking over my choice of accountancy for my degree major. despite everything, the B in AS and the horrendous marks i got for my mock exams, i'm sticking with it.i like accounting, no matter how bad i am at it. i take comfort in the precision of accounts, and despite all my grumblings, i enjoy it. so i'm sticking with the plan. degree in accounting, chartered, masters in economics. i did a reality check, and i still get that tingly feeling that says i'm happy with what i'm learning. so all systems go.
and the fact that i finally found a good music widget to put in the sidebar of my blog after going through countless of useless ones. the one from lastfm actually scrobbles efficiently, tracking all recently played songs and providing snippets you can listen to if they got the song in their database. and i want to put up a big announcement on the blog saying 'hey everyone click the play buttons on the widget!!', but then 2 seconds later i remember that other people might not actually give a damn. nevermind. i enjoy clicking them all the time, so i'll do it.
and how kakak's going back in a couple of days and part of me thinks 'oh no. i can't remember how i did it without her here'.
at the end of the day(and this post), the blur will just remain a blur until it fades away or is replaced by new things. in between i'll just settle for re-reading the silence of the lambs until i fall asleep and then wake for sahur.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
signs
I adore BBC's remake of The Taming of the Shrew. They were showing a rerun of it on Hallmark the other day, and i must say, i just find it immensely enjoyable.
i left a bunch of accounting papers on the dining room table. i, being the lazy ninny that i am, left it there for the past few days. funny thing is, whenever i needed a certain paper from that stack i left on the table, i'd come down from my room, get the paper, and yet leave the rest of the stack lying there. i'm that kind of lazy. anyway, this morning, i came downstairs with my stuff to do some work at the dining table, when i saw that the stack was gone. we're having guests over tonight, so i figured our maid must have cleared the table and kept the papers aside or wherever. so i tried looking at all the usual places, but takde. so i asked kak nikki where'd she put it? she gives me this kind of stricken look, and said she'd put it in our storeroom. the same storeroom where we keep all our old newspapers. the same storeroom where today, of all days, the orang surat khabar lame had come into to collect all those all newspapers. in other words, my stack of accouting past year exam papers were sitting in a truck destined for a recycling plant. wonderful way to start the morning.
oddly enough, and it IS odd because i wasn't pms-ing or anything, i started bawling. well, not bawling, but crying the same way i cried when i watched Armageddon for the first time. must have been some inner nerd in me mourning the loss of undone past year exam papers. tragic. i called up my mom and she confirmed that Kenny, the surat khabar guy, had taken the newspapers, and that he'd probably taken my papers too. but mom was onto damage-control in a flash. she called up Kenny and then rang me back to say that Kenny was on his way back and that i'd have to dig through the papers in his truck.
so 20 minutes later, sure enough, the truck arrives and i go swimming in surat khabar lama.
kidding,not quite. our stack of papers were lucky enough to be right at the end, so i was able to just pluck out my papers without any hassle. fuh. Alhmamdulillah, i'm just glad to get them back. this is a sign. a 'Janganlah malas sangat nak angkat barang tu' sign.
sign taken.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
i want roti john tomorrow
among the things i get to eat only when it's ramadhan:
1.ayam percik
2.tepung pelita
3.murtabak
4.roti john
a belated merdeka pondering. i don't like it when during official merdeka celebrations, they make the VIPs get up and wave flags while singing along to 'Keranamu Malaysia'. that's just bollocks la. the VIPs mostly look bored to death while half-heartedly waving the flags from side to side. what does waving small flags have to do with patriotism anyway?
am i patriotic?probably not. i wouldn't put up a flag on my car. but again, does being patriotic mean you have to flaunt your love for the jalur gemilang and sing along enthusiastically whenever they play 'Keranamu Malaysia'? Sometimes i just don't get it. In previous years, there'd be that annual merdeka concert at KLCC. the difference between the merdeka concert and a normal concert?the singers would all crowd on stage towards the end, singing patriotic songs once the clock struck 12. this year, there was a sunway lagoon beach merdeka party(beachwear only). what do freaking bikinis and frolicking in the water have to do with merdeka?
i think, at this point, merdeka has just become an excuse to throw a huge party. which bloody defeats the purpose, innit? i thought we were suppose to be remembering the fact that after having to face a lot of crap by being colonised by practically every tom,dick and harry, we'd finally regain our right to rule our country, our way. it's been 50 years, and in that 50 years, i personally think malaysia's come heck of a long way and we should celebrate that, but at the same time we have to remember that it was only 50 plus years ago our grandparents were being killed and opressed by the japanse. i mean, c'mon people, it's not all just about fireworks!
gah. dah start berleter plak. sorry. i may be being hypocritical here since whenever i myself watch merdeka fireworks i'm more concentrated on the pretty bursts of lights rather than remembering what Tunku Abdul Rahman did for the nation and all that, but yeah. merdeka should be more than just the annual public holiday.
and i don't like it when i come across people who go on about how they'd rather emigrate to Australia or Switzerland or wherever than suffer the God-forsaken conditions of Malaysia and malaysians any longer. like,wtf? ok, so there's a lot of stuff that's wrong in this country, like corruption in the government and the gross behaviours of some malaysians, and our apalling driving skills, and the really pathetic music videos we come up with, but still. i think it's just a bit sad they'd just ditch the the country they came from and move to a kononnya superior country. why not stick around and actually try and upgrade Malaysia to what you want it to be? but yeah. this may all sound incredibly naive. Maybe you can't change Malaysia. maybe that's why so many students sent overseas just stay there.
ok, enough of that. save it up for next year's merdeka. since the theme seems to be Malaysia in this post, just gonna pop in a quick mention about some local music. i must say, the local mainstream music scene has perked up la. i don't know much about malaysian bands or singers, but i recently came across these two songs which i particularly like. the first is 'Pagi Yang gelap' by this band called Hujan. an indie band, if you will. People here are dubbing them local The Strokes, but i think their music is more melodious. check that song out, kalau rajin. the second song, surprisingly, is by Kaer. remember Kaer, the finalist in season 3 of Akademi Fantasia?don't cringe!haha. i'm really not a fan of AF-born artists, their songs usually aren't great(i DESPISE any song by Adam) and their popularity tends to die out faster than a speeding bullet, but there you go. apparently, Kaer had to self-finance his debut album, which is too bad, but this song is good. As far as pop music goes, especially pop music by Malaysian artists, i think this is a good tune. dengarkan:
the weekend's over, people. time to get cracking.
1.ayam percik
2.tepung pelita
3.murtabak
4.roti john
a belated merdeka pondering. i don't like it when during official merdeka celebrations, they make the VIPs get up and wave flags while singing along to 'Keranamu Malaysia'. that's just bollocks la. the VIPs mostly look bored to death while half-heartedly waving the flags from side to side. what does waving small flags have to do with patriotism anyway?
am i patriotic?probably not. i wouldn't put up a flag on my car. but again, does being patriotic mean you have to flaunt your love for the jalur gemilang and sing along enthusiastically whenever they play 'Keranamu Malaysia'? Sometimes i just don't get it. In previous years, there'd be that annual merdeka concert at KLCC. the difference between the merdeka concert and a normal concert?the singers would all crowd on stage towards the end, singing patriotic songs once the clock struck 12. this year, there was a sunway lagoon beach merdeka party(beachwear only). what do freaking bikinis and frolicking in the water have to do with merdeka?
i think, at this point, merdeka has just become an excuse to throw a huge party. which bloody defeats the purpose, innit? i thought we were suppose to be remembering the fact that after having to face a lot of crap by being colonised by practically every tom,dick and harry, we'd finally regain our right to rule our country, our way. it's been 50 years, and in that 50 years, i personally think malaysia's come heck of a long way and we should celebrate that, but at the same time we have to remember that it was only 50 plus years ago our grandparents were being killed and opressed by the japanse. i mean, c'mon people, it's not all just about fireworks!
gah. dah start berleter plak. sorry. i may be being hypocritical here since whenever i myself watch merdeka fireworks i'm more concentrated on the pretty bursts of lights rather than remembering what Tunku Abdul Rahman did for the nation and all that, but yeah. merdeka should be more than just the annual public holiday.
and i don't like it when i come across people who go on about how they'd rather emigrate to Australia or Switzerland or wherever than suffer the God-forsaken conditions of Malaysia and malaysians any longer. like,wtf? ok, so there's a lot of stuff that's wrong in this country, like corruption in the government and the gross behaviours of some malaysians, and our apalling driving skills, and the really pathetic music videos we come up with, but still. i think it's just a bit sad they'd just ditch the the country they came from and move to a kononnya superior country. why not stick around and actually try and upgrade Malaysia to what you want it to be? but yeah. this may all sound incredibly naive. Maybe you can't change Malaysia. maybe that's why so many students sent overseas just stay there.
ok, enough of that. save it up for next year's merdeka. since the theme seems to be Malaysia in this post, just gonna pop in a quick mention about some local music. i must say, the local mainstream music scene has perked up la. i don't know much about malaysian bands or singers, but i recently came across these two songs which i particularly like. the first is 'Pagi Yang gelap' by this band called Hujan. an indie band, if you will. People here are dubbing them local The Strokes, but i think their music is more melodious. check that song out, kalau rajin. the second song, surprisingly, is by Kaer. remember Kaer, the finalist in season 3 of Akademi Fantasia?don't cringe!haha. i'm really not a fan of AF-born artists, their songs usually aren't great(i DESPISE any song by Adam) and their popularity tends to die out faster than a speeding bullet, but there you go. apparently, Kaer had to self-finance his debut album, which is too bad, but this song is good. As far as pop music goes, especially pop music by Malaysian artists, i think this is a good tune. dengarkan:
the weekend's over, people. time to get cracking.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
we all live in a yellow submarine
the wombats.
click play already.click. CLICK DAMMIT!heh.
let's dance to Joy Divison,
and celebrate the irony,
everything is going wrong,
but we're so happy!
an excerpt from The Wombats' 'Let's dance to Joy Division'. how appropriate! i've pretty much bombed my mock exams, but things are just dandy. let's dance to Joy Division!though technically, i only know one Joy Division song, and it's not even that danceable too. oh well.
things have been a bit hectic lately. after we'd done our econs paper, as we were walking out of the exam room, diyana gestured to her head and said, 'nampak tak asap coming out of my head ni?', which describes perfectly how things have been going. on overdrive. but i'm on break for a week and a half, wheee. and happy ramadhan,y'all. i find it extremely reassuring to think satan's in chains at the moment.
have you ever gotten that feeling where you have an issue with someone, things go awry, so you try to solve it, but at some point, despite your persisting unsatisfied
feeling that things are unresolved and you still want to say something, you know that inevitably, whatever you say will just make things worse? yeah. i don't like that. but i've learnt, the hard way, that it's just better to shut up and act normal.
and there's really not much point worrying about it, so don't.
a couple pictures:
a bunch of college friends came over for a kenduri we were having, cheers for that. a lot of my aunties were commenting 'lawanya semue kawan kakyang dari sekolah', haha.
and finally, a recent and decent family picture. we all actually look normal here!
i haven't gotten any offers from the australian unis i applied to, but no matter. i'll leave that to Allah. things WILL work out, i am honestly starting to re-believe this. plus, i bought a bright yellow t-shirt with 'The Beatles-yellow submarine' emblazoned across it with a cartoonish picture of a submarine, and new headphones too. you shouldn't be worried when you're wearing a bright yellow t-shirt, listening to The Wombats on your new headphones. it just contradicts the nature of sadness.
haha, you know what?i got a couple of backdated issues of Galaxie magazine for free hari tu, and i'm flipping through them. and they have those 'get personal' pages at the back, where you can send in your address and details to which they'll publish in that section so that you can look for pen-pals!haha, i didn't think these things still existed. do they actually work? can you REALLY acquire proper friends through this channel? i'm reading the 'about myself' lines the people attach with their details. 'Sophisticated, open-minded, decent and simple Malay guy seeking friends from all over the globe. I'm into Feeder, MCR, Muse and BSB too'.
Right. 'Sweet and adorable Malay girl seeks friends from around the world'. There, we have a match already. My favourite is: 'let's just day hello and become friends'.
sigh. i'm going to have to head for the books again soon. not yet though. take a break, everyone. go singgah bazaar ramadhan.
click play already.click. CLICK DAMMIT!heh.
let's dance to Joy Divison,
and celebrate the irony,
everything is going wrong,
but we're so happy!
an excerpt from The Wombats' 'Let's dance to Joy Division'. how appropriate! i've pretty much bombed my mock exams, but things are just dandy. let's dance to Joy Division!though technically, i only know one Joy Division song, and it's not even that danceable too. oh well.
things have been a bit hectic lately. after we'd done our econs paper, as we were walking out of the exam room, diyana gestured to her head and said, 'nampak tak asap coming out of my head ni?', which describes perfectly how things have been going. on overdrive. but i'm on break for a week and a half, wheee. and happy ramadhan,y'all. i find it extremely reassuring to think satan's in chains at the moment.
have you ever gotten that feeling where you have an issue with someone, things go awry, so you try to solve it, but at some point, despite your persisting unsatisfied
feeling that things are unresolved and you still want to say something, you know that inevitably, whatever you say will just make things worse? yeah. i don't like that. but i've learnt, the hard way, that it's just better to shut up and act normal.
and there's really not much point worrying about it, so don't.
a couple pictures:
a bunch of college friends came over for a kenduri we were having, cheers for that. a lot of my aunties were commenting 'lawanya semue kawan kakyang dari sekolah', haha.
and finally, a recent and decent family picture. we all actually look normal here!
i haven't gotten any offers from the australian unis i applied to, but no matter. i'll leave that to Allah. things WILL work out, i am honestly starting to re-believe this. plus, i bought a bright yellow t-shirt with 'The Beatles-yellow submarine' emblazoned across it with a cartoonish picture of a submarine, and new headphones too. you shouldn't be worried when you're wearing a bright yellow t-shirt, listening to The Wombats on your new headphones. it just contradicts the nature of sadness.
haha, you know what?i got a couple of backdated issues of Galaxie magazine for free hari tu, and i'm flipping through them. and they have those 'get personal' pages at the back, where you can send in your address and details to which they'll publish in that section so that you can look for pen-pals!haha, i didn't think these things still existed. do they actually work? can you REALLY acquire proper friends through this channel? i'm reading the 'about myself' lines the people attach with their details. 'Sophisticated, open-minded, decent and simple Malay guy seeking friends from all over the globe. I'm into Feeder, MCR, Muse and BSB too'.
Right. 'Sweet and adorable Malay girl seeks friends from around the world'. There, we have a match already. My favourite is: 'let's just day hello and become friends'.
sigh. i'm going to have to head for the books again soon. not yet though. take a break, everyone. go singgah bazaar ramadhan.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
ode to nani
Oh farah hanani
awak sudah pergi
saya rasa sunyi
di sini.
heh.
but yes, farah hanani shamsuddin has officially left the peninsular. off to canada to study and do what canadian people do. and i think juwa left today, and afiqah is leaving tomorrow. people are flying off like...flies. sigh. best of luck to all of them, if they read this.
here's a thought people:life's just waaaaay too short to worry about trivialities. this may sound like complete crap, but ever since i got the B for my paper i've adopted a somewhat cavalier, eff-it-all attitude. i mean, in a good way. at least, i think so. i've stopped sweating the small stuff, to some extent. just go for it, in whatever you're doing, and for God's sake, stop worrying about the petty stuff.
and the perfect song, at this very moment, is 'no cars go', by Arcade Fire. i love this song. so simple, but it's just perfect. you know how there are some songs that make you close your eyes and think about taking off running down the street, just running, not wanting to stop or think about where you're going?yeah.
i think it should have been made mandatory for all of us to learn mandarin in sekolah kebangsaan.
oh, and I'm currently listening to the Arctic Monkeys first album. haha, i was reading some random chick's blog, and she tends to use this expression, which may amusingly be appropriate in describing my admiration for the Monkeys:'LOVE,LOVE,LOVE GILE FOR LIFE!!!!'.
oh,oh!and i was driving back home the other day after picking up my sister from kelana jaya, past the sunway toll, and we saw rainbows!notice the plural. one bright, FULL-ARC rainbow, and another fader one to its right. we were so excited, me and kakak(well, kakak mostly) spent several minutes gesticulating to all the other drivers around us, shouting 'rainbow!tengok rainboooow!!'. tapi no one noticed, and one driver just looked at my sister somewhat suspiciously. yeah. traffic jams suck the soul out of people.
i'll quit rambling now.
one more thing. ratatouille is good. pixar has yet to fail me.
awak sudah pergi
saya rasa sunyi
di sini.
heh.
but yes, farah hanani shamsuddin has officially left the peninsular. off to canada to study and do what canadian people do. and i think juwa left today, and afiqah is leaving tomorrow. people are flying off like...flies. sigh. best of luck to all of them, if they read this.
here's a thought people:life's just waaaaay too short to worry about trivialities. this may sound like complete crap, but ever since i got the B for my paper i've adopted a somewhat cavalier, eff-it-all attitude. i mean, in a good way. at least, i think so. i've stopped sweating the small stuff, to some extent. just go for it, in whatever you're doing, and for God's sake, stop worrying about the petty stuff.
and the perfect song, at this very moment, is 'no cars go', by Arcade Fire. i love this song. so simple, but it's just perfect. you know how there are some songs that make you close your eyes and think about taking off running down the street, just running, not wanting to stop or think about where you're going?yeah.
i think it should have been made mandatory for all of us to learn mandarin in sekolah kebangsaan.
oh, and I'm currently listening to the Arctic Monkeys first album. haha, i was reading some random chick's blog, and she tends to use this expression, which may amusingly be appropriate in describing my admiration for the Monkeys:'LOVE,LOVE,LOVE GILE FOR LIFE!!!!'.
oh,oh!and i was driving back home the other day after picking up my sister from kelana jaya, past the sunway toll, and we saw rainbows!notice the plural. one bright, FULL-ARC rainbow, and another fader one to its right. we were so excited, me and kakak(well, kakak mostly) spent several minutes gesticulating to all the other drivers around us, shouting 'rainbow!tengok rainboooow!!'. tapi no one noticed, and one driver just looked at my sister somewhat suspiciously. yeah. traffic jams suck the soul out of people.
i'll quit rambling now.
one more thing. ratatouille is good. pixar has yet to fail me.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
those are my parents
The pokok kelapa on pulau redang are so pretty.
A lot has been going on lately. i feel so busy, hee. i have no business blogging now, i really should be doing my backlogged homework, but what the hell.
my parents took the family off to redang for the annual kakak-back-from-overseas-so-must-take-the-opportunity-to-go-cuti-together2 holiday. we were supposed to go kuala terengganu first on thursday, since dad had a function there, then ferry off to redang, but i had completely forgotten the fact that i had my ielts writing test on saturday. so the parents and the little brother drove up first, me and kakak followed by taking a flight up on saturday.
sidenote 1:air asia stewardesses punye baju is just so...sikit kain.
went to redang on sunday morning. stayed at this really nice place called redang kalung. in terms of snorkelling la kan, i think tioman still wins. but it was still lovely. redang kalung is cosy. the amenities are perfectly adequate, and the environement is just nice, without any of the overloaded commercialisation you'd get from the bigger resorts, like berjaya or laguna. i mean, this is a place where siestas can be taken lying in the hammock outside your chalet overlooking the beach with pokok kelapa shading you from the sun. no hassle, no noise(except for the occasional boat passing by), just swaying palm fronds and gently lapping waves. yeah,man. a place where you can hear youself THINK.
sidenote 2: the beach had too many sea cucumbers. i don't like sea cucumbers. i'm aware that they are harmless but i just don't want to accidentally step on one. i couldn't go swimming/frolicking on the beach because i was too paranoid about stepping on a freaking sea cucumber.
yesterday night, after packing up my stuff, i couldn't sleep(thanx to the three hour nap and a cup of coffee i drank earlier), so i plucked my ipod and laid down outside the chalet, facing the beach. ah.AH.AAAAAH. can i convey the perfection of that moment?(that sounds cliched, i know, but just bear with me) the moon was out, and the stars!!!!God, i can't remember the last time i looked up at the big dipper and orion's belt and whatever other constellation.
i wanted to use that opportunity to think about things. you know, about God, and about my studies, and about people. bile lagi would i get the perfect setting to organize my thoughts? but the night and the music and the beach all just melded into this one pleasant experience, and this pleasant experience didn't require me to think. just go with the flow. just look out at the sea and the twinkling lights from the ferry boats.
sidenote 3:banyak tol mat salleh kat redang. while i was lepak-ing on the beach that night, there were a bunch of italians chatting and lazing in the hammocks some feet away. it was actually kind of comforting to hear them murmuring gently in italian in the background.
a ferry boat ride and 9 hours in the car later, i'm back in my room. with alarming messages about homework i missed and a test tomorrow coming in. gah.
aside from that, i am in love with this song. i can't stop singing it. listen to The National people.
and on another note, shao min invited me to go to a charity dinner last wednesday!(thanx again shao, i had a lovely time :D). siti nurhaliza was there to perform, and phua chu kang. my summary of the night? phua chu kang is damn funny la wei.
sidenote 4:siti still hasn't mastered english. which is a shame. she's still super sweet though
i won't put up the pic of siti, simply because....um...i think the pic of me and shao, who looked resplendid in her kebaya, is more worth putting up. hee :)
oh!oh!and i know this is already old news, but a couple days before the AS results came out, my class had a party. without a doubt, A-levels A1 class of July '06 intake, is the most memorable class i've ever had. our party was called the faque party, which is the derivation of [fantastic + unique=faque], get it?if it sounds rude, it's supposed to, but we don't emphasize the pronounciation that way :p
we did a lot of stuff for the party, but i think, in a nutshell, this sums it up:
Sunday, August 12, 2007
had a bad day again
so...yeah.
my results came out the other day. in case you couldn't tell by the tak-tahan-sorrowfulnye post below, i wasn't happy. i got a B for accounting. i got As for the rest,(even GP!haha), so alhamdulillah for that. but ooff, i felt like i got socked hard in the stomach when i found out about the B. in accounting. ACCOUNTING?!
it's ironic. ironic in a couple ways, being that:
1.i wasn't so much worried about accounting as i was for econs or maths.
2. i'm supposed to become a kick-ass chartered accountant, and here i am starting off with a B in accounting at GCE AS level. looks very ominous.
so i found out about the B, and things pretty much went topsy-turvy after that. i skipped class and went home, and the crying jag just exploded. it came to a point where i secretly thought i was hyperventilating, and if not, i hoped i would. i WANTED to go into spasm or have a nervous breakdown. anything that would prevent me from having to be angry or sad or question 'why?bloody fucking WHY?'.
which may sound a tad bit overreacting to some. it's a B, not an F, and it's not the end of the world. yes, i am aware of that. sigh. but getting straight As this time around meant a lot to me,ok? a lot more than you'd think.
so, it's that time again(and this is a deja vu moment), where i try to cast around and see where the hikmah lies in all of this. and i realize that i sound a bit cynical and sarcastic, and i'm so sorry for that. a part of me realizes that i've become a bit weary and less inclined to be optimistic, but perhaps this is just temporary. once again there's that internal tug of war between trying to remind myself that i didn't get cancer and nobody died as well as feeling sorry for myself and just wanting to scream out 'i have the fucking right to be sad, even if it IS just because of a measly B!'.
but if there's one good thing about all of this, if there's anything that i'd want to remember, it's the hugs. after i first got my results, i literally, quite literally burst into tears, right in front of my accounts teacher and the rest of the classs. come to think of it, that's downright embarassing. some friends were awkward about it, as any normal person would be. but not others. jajar, without any hesitation at all, immediately hugged me and held on while i sobbed. which is quite amazing. i can't remember the last time i cried in front of someone(muhasabah diri sessions don't count :P), let alone have someone try and comfort me. and i remember Bo Eui giving me a hug too, telling me not to worry. it's weird. i remember leaning on diyana, with her hand around my shoulder. and i remember shao marching over to my side.
my family was awesome about the whole thing. awesome. i'm thankful to have them. and i'm thankful for my friends, too.
so...yeah. i'm ok. i'm dreading the thought of going back to class and back into homework, but i think i'll be able to pull cheerful off. sure, i have no doubt i'll run into awkward moments, be it doubting my capabilities all over again or explaining to someone my results or wondering what to with my cambridge application. but still. i'm trying to take this one step at a time.
one feeling down song. 'Bad Day'. contrary to pop culture, my favourite 'Bad Day'-titled song is the one by Fuel.
p/s:thanx again nani and anna and aijud and shao for your reassuring comments. i heart you guys, haha :D
my results came out the other day. in case you couldn't tell by the tak-tahan-sorrowfulnye post below, i wasn't happy. i got a B for accounting. i got As for the rest,(even GP!haha), so alhamdulillah for that. but ooff, i felt like i got socked hard in the stomach when i found out about the B. in accounting. ACCOUNTING?!
it's ironic. ironic in a couple ways, being that:
1.i wasn't so much worried about accounting as i was for econs or maths.
2. i'm supposed to become a kick-ass chartered accountant, and here i am starting off with a B in accounting at GCE AS level. looks very ominous.
so i found out about the B, and things pretty much went topsy-turvy after that. i skipped class and went home, and the crying jag just exploded. it came to a point where i secretly thought i was hyperventilating, and if not, i hoped i would. i WANTED to go into spasm or have a nervous breakdown. anything that would prevent me from having to be angry or sad or question 'why?bloody fucking WHY?'.
which may sound a tad bit overreacting to some. it's a B, not an F, and it's not the end of the world. yes, i am aware of that. sigh. but getting straight As this time around meant a lot to me,ok? a lot more than you'd think.
so, it's that time again(and this is a deja vu moment), where i try to cast around and see where the hikmah lies in all of this. and i realize that i sound a bit cynical and sarcastic, and i'm so sorry for that. a part of me realizes that i've become a bit weary and less inclined to be optimistic, but perhaps this is just temporary. once again there's that internal tug of war between trying to remind myself that i didn't get cancer and nobody died as well as feeling sorry for myself and just wanting to scream out 'i have the fucking right to be sad, even if it IS just because of a measly B!'.
but if there's one good thing about all of this, if there's anything that i'd want to remember, it's the hugs. after i first got my results, i literally, quite literally burst into tears, right in front of my accounts teacher and the rest of the classs. come to think of it, that's downright embarassing. some friends were awkward about it, as any normal person would be. but not others. jajar, without any hesitation at all, immediately hugged me and held on while i sobbed. which is quite amazing. i can't remember the last time i cried in front of someone(muhasabah diri sessions don't count :P), let alone have someone try and comfort me. and i remember Bo Eui giving me a hug too, telling me not to worry. it's weird. i remember leaning on diyana, with her hand around my shoulder. and i remember shao marching over to my side.
my family was awesome about the whole thing. awesome. i'm thankful to have them. and i'm thankful for my friends, too.
so...yeah. i'm ok. i'm dreading the thought of going back to class and back into homework, but i think i'll be able to pull cheerful off. sure, i have no doubt i'll run into awkward moments, be it doubting my capabilities all over again or explaining to someone my results or wondering what to with my cambridge application. but still. i'm trying to take this one step at a time.
one feeling down song. 'Bad Day'. contrary to pop culture, my favourite 'Bad Day'-titled song is the one by Fuel.
p/s:thanx again nani and anna and aijud and shao for your reassuring comments. i heart you guys, haha :D
Thursday, August 09, 2007
and the saddest part is, i don't know what i'm supposed to be feeling anymore.
i wanted to be angry at God, and scream 'i've gone through this!i thought it was supposed to be MY time now!'. but i guess i deserve this.
i know i don't have the right to complain much, it's just a B after all. and i'm so sorry i'm being so self-centred and melodramatic. but i feel broken, somehow.
people are telling me to look on the bright side, and i'm trying to, but i can't stop crying. and i can't stop thinking that it was wrong to think that maybe, this time around, i was special enough to be outstanding. maybe i'm not special at all.
i was wrong to think anything.
i wanted to be angry at God, and scream 'i've gone through this!i thought it was supposed to be MY time now!'. but i guess i deserve this.
i know i don't have the right to complain much, it's just a B after all. and i'm so sorry i'm being so self-centred and melodramatic. but i feel broken, somehow.
people are telling me to look on the bright side, and i'm trying to, but i can't stop crying. and i can't stop thinking that it was wrong to think that maybe, this time around, i was special enough to be outstanding. maybe i'm not special at all.
i was wrong to think anything.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
cheers
one of those times where you want to blog, but can't really think up substantial blogging material.
homework load wasn't so bad this weekend, so i wasted it mostly doing nothing much, and it was quite delightful. though now i feel a little guilty having done nothing productive. no matter.
ok, everyone, indulge me by thinking up some current small pleasure at this very moment, no matter how nonsensical it is. for me, it's the fact that my pony-tail reaches the base of my neck(it's never been this long,see. or if it has, i can't remember). i can't stop shaking my head from side to side so as to feel it gently brushing my neck.
i've been keeping up with spinner.com's daily updates on the Lollapalooza music festival, and just seems like a lot of fun. hmm. a lot of fun. fun to a point where i'm wondering if i'd ever get the chance to go someday.
i'm an unsociable creature, and most of the time i'm perfectly fine with that, but once in a while i start to wonder about it, and think 'am i overdoing this?'. is it weird if i don't get messages from various friends everyday and use my phone mainly for functional rather than social purposes? is it wrong that i'm starting to lose contact with friends from school? should i scrabble to keep in touch and bombard them with testimonials on friendster and text messages, or can i just accept the fact that we're drifting apart?
*swishes hair around*
on another note, went fishing the other day, and caught quite a lot of fish, mostly talapia. if you're coming over for a sleepover anytime soon, i'll tell you straight off, i'll be feeding you talapia. talapia goreng. talapia masak lemak. talapia masak sambal. sweet and sour talapia. steamed talapia. talapia everything. in short, i'll stuff you with talapia until you can't quite take it anymore. i'll sumbat you with talapia until you'll be screaming 'TALAPIAAAAAAA!' in your nightmares.
i like funny commercials. but i also like the one by Sonyericsson for their walkman phones. it just makes perfect sense.
cheers, everyone, for no reason whatsoever. it's been pretty uneventful, save for a significant occurence or two, but i have a feeling things are going to spice up.
homework load wasn't so bad this weekend, so i wasted it mostly doing nothing much, and it was quite delightful. though now i feel a little guilty having done nothing productive. no matter.
ok, everyone, indulge me by thinking up some current small pleasure at this very moment, no matter how nonsensical it is. for me, it's the fact that my pony-tail reaches the base of my neck(it's never been this long,see. or if it has, i can't remember). i can't stop shaking my head from side to side so as to feel it gently brushing my neck.
i've been keeping up with spinner.com's daily updates on the Lollapalooza music festival, and just seems like a lot of fun. hmm. a lot of fun. fun to a point where i'm wondering if i'd ever get the chance to go someday.
i'm an unsociable creature, and most of the time i'm perfectly fine with that, but once in a while i start to wonder about it, and think 'am i overdoing this?'. is it weird if i don't get messages from various friends everyday and use my phone mainly for functional rather than social purposes? is it wrong that i'm starting to lose contact with friends from school? should i scrabble to keep in touch and bombard them with testimonials on friendster and text messages, or can i just accept the fact that we're drifting apart?
*swishes hair around*
on another note, went fishing the other day, and caught quite a lot of fish, mostly talapia. if you're coming over for a sleepover anytime soon, i'll tell you straight off, i'll be feeding you talapia. talapia goreng. talapia masak lemak. talapia masak sambal. sweet and sour talapia. steamed talapia. talapia everything. in short, i'll stuff you with talapia until you can't quite take it anymore. i'll sumbat you with talapia until you'll be screaming 'TALAPIAAAAAAA!' in your nightmares.
i like funny commercials. but i also like the one by Sonyericsson for their walkman phones. it just makes perfect sense.
cheers, everyone, for no reason whatsoever. it's been pretty uneventful, save for a significant occurence or two, but i have a feeling things are going to spice up.
Friday, July 27, 2007
exhale
i'm very sorry if i've been off-kilter. very sorry i haven't been keeping contact. so very sorry.
i think it's a shame that i can't stand cheese(except for pizza and lasagne cheese and cheezels). i think cheese cakes are the prettiest cakes around.
finally have a proper date for AS results, they come out on the 9th of August. i will start worrying on the 8th. I've been a bit busy trying to get the cambridge application together, and, while it has been horrid at times, i'm kinda getting excited at the prospect of applying there. which is bad, since it'll be more of a blow if i don't get in, so i'm trying to temper the enthusiasm.
is it better to be blunt and honest with your opinions, or is it okay to tell white lies if it means reasurring someone else? i suppose some find it more honourable to be unforgivingly truthful in whatever circumstance, reasoning that a white lie just to comfort someone is unfair and might end up hurting them anyway. yeah. i guess that's true. but sometimes, i still wish someone would lie anyway.
i've read the new Harry Potter book, courtesy of Tesco, RM69.90. i won't say anything about it so as not to offend the not-yet-readers, and for those who have, we'll have something to gush about if we meet up, yea?
Thanx to kakak, i have a bunch of new songs to listen to. Belle & Sebastian, people. Listen if you haven't. oh, and hani lent me her Clash cd! i'm now an avid listener. i think it's fantastic!it's a greatest hits album, two cds. if you want to try listening to The Clash, i suggest 'Train in Vain', 'Rock the Casbah', 'London Calling', 'Should i stay or Should i Go'. Good stuff. And, it's cool how they're music actually makes comments on social and political issues.
nani, if you dare leave for canada without telling me your departure date i'll come and haunt yout.
i'm going fishing tomorrow with the family. must.catch.fish.
take a look/listen at this. acappella,yo.
i think it's a shame that i can't stand cheese(except for pizza and lasagne cheese and cheezels). i think cheese cakes are the prettiest cakes around.
finally have a proper date for AS results, they come out on the 9th of August. i will start worrying on the 8th. I've been a bit busy trying to get the cambridge application together, and, while it has been horrid at times, i'm kinda getting excited at the prospect of applying there. which is bad, since it'll be more of a blow if i don't get in, so i'm trying to temper the enthusiasm.
is it better to be blunt and honest with your opinions, or is it okay to tell white lies if it means reasurring someone else? i suppose some find it more honourable to be unforgivingly truthful in whatever circumstance, reasoning that a white lie just to comfort someone is unfair and might end up hurting them anyway. yeah. i guess that's true. but sometimes, i still wish someone would lie anyway.
i've read the new Harry Potter book, courtesy of Tesco, RM69.90. i won't say anything about it so as not to offend the not-yet-readers, and for those who have, we'll have something to gush about if we meet up, yea?
Thanx to kakak, i have a bunch of new songs to listen to. Belle & Sebastian, people. Listen if you haven't. oh, and hani lent me her Clash cd! i'm now an avid listener. i think it's fantastic!it's a greatest hits album, two cds. if you want to try listening to The Clash, i suggest 'Train in Vain', 'Rock the Casbah', 'London Calling', 'Should i stay or Should i Go'. Good stuff. And, it's cool how they're music actually makes comments on social and political issues.
nani, if you dare leave for canada without telling me your departure date i'll come and haunt yout.
i'm going fishing tomorrow with the family. must.catch.fish.
take a look/listen at this. acappella,yo.
Friday, July 20, 2007
i want to be the sugar plum fairy
i. went. samba. dancing.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
it's pretty funny. if i were to list down weird habits, one of them would be imagining dance routines to music i listen to. and not necessarily choreographed, Wade Robson style dancing either. oh no, that wouldn't be worth daydreaming about. i would imagine dancing to The Killer's 'Mr. Bright Side' or Say Anything's 'Alive with the Glory of Love', in the style of jive, or perhaps west coast swing dancing. yeah. mane main normal hip hop dancing. that's like, so nineties.
so yeah, i went and join Sunway's dancing club. abaikan the fact that i'm in my third and last semester, have exams coming up in a couple months and that i'll probably be malas to go to practices after a few times, me and Hani joined and went for the first class tadi. not bad!at least we did learn some stuff, did some dancing. nowhere near like how i dance imaginatively, but still. baby steps.
my kakak's back, so that's good. she got me a bunch of stuff, among them Greg Laswell's 'Through Toledo'!!!!good stuff. very gloomy, but i like gloomy. perfect rainy afternoon cd. and she also got me my very first copy of Q magazine. great la wei, just great. i loved all their interviews. they even made Daniel Radcliffe sound nice and cool.
You know when you drive past a guardhouse with a palang, and they lift it open for you, you put your hand up as a gesture of thanks? well, I was driving back home the other day, and i had to pass through the guardhouse at the entrance of the neighbourhood where i live. there was a car in front of me, so the guard pressed the button to make the automated palang thing lift up. as the car drove through, i also followed la, and gave a vague glance at the security guard and lifted my hand up. when i did, i saw him wave back at me, returning my gesture. immediately after that, as i looked back in front, i saw the palang drop back down and ker-plunked neatly on my hood.
'Aah!', i yelped, and whipped my head back at the guard. i must have looked at him with some fury, because he stumbled around for a few moments before pressing the button to lift the stupid palang up again. i gave him another haughty look, and went off. and as i reached home and was parking my car, barulah sedar that perhaps he wasn't exactly returning my gesture when he angkat tangan, he was more likely siganlling at me to stop. patutla cam enthusiastic sangat wave die. oh well. in all fairness, selalunye when there's a couple cars at once coming in or going out, the other guards know how to keep the palang up instead of having to let come down, then press the button to make it go up again for the next car. but no worries, no damage done anyway, the palang has a rubber strip at the base that absorbed the impact, so it didn't dent the hood.
I like to hum Tchaikovsky's 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy' everytime i see theo the bunny prancing about. just like in the trailer for The Simpsons Movie.
You know, i've been tentatively listening to club music. techno, trance, electronic. just wanted to try it out and see how far my music tastes expand. of course, i don't know nuts and can't really tell one from the other. and i don't know any musicians related to the genre except the really famous ones, so i've just been checking out a few songs by tiesto and benny benassi. To be honest, i can't really see the difference between a good dj and a mediocre one, but for some reason, i'm growing quite fond of trance music. at least, some of the trance songs i've heard so far. somehow the repetitive beat, in all oddity, is quite calming.
My favourite threat to say to someone is 'I smack you then you know'. just the right amount of humor and violence put together.
Right now it's night time and it's raining. perfect. i'm going to while the night away by listening to Badly Drawn Boy and Kings of Convenience and doing some econs questions.
update: i didn't post this yesterday, so now it's afternoon and cloudy. not listening to anything, and still doing econs questions. go figure.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
it's pretty funny. if i were to list down weird habits, one of them would be imagining dance routines to music i listen to. and not necessarily choreographed, Wade Robson style dancing either. oh no, that wouldn't be worth daydreaming about. i would imagine dancing to The Killer's 'Mr. Bright Side' or Say Anything's 'Alive with the Glory of Love', in the style of jive, or perhaps west coast swing dancing. yeah. mane main normal hip hop dancing. that's like, so nineties.
so yeah, i went and join Sunway's dancing club. abaikan the fact that i'm in my third and last semester, have exams coming up in a couple months and that i'll probably be malas to go to practices after a few times, me and Hani joined and went for the first class tadi. not bad!at least we did learn some stuff, did some dancing. nowhere near like how i dance imaginatively, but still. baby steps.
my kakak's back, so that's good. she got me a bunch of stuff, among them Greg Laswell's 'Through Toledo'!!!!good stuff. very gloomy, but i like gloomy. perfect rainy afternoon cd. and she also got me my very first copy of Q magazine. great la wei, just great. i loved all their interviews. they even made Daniel Radcliffe sound nice and cool.
You know when you drive past a guardhouse with a palang, and they lift it open for you, you put your hand up as a gesture of thanks? well, I was driving back home the other day, and i had to pass through the guardhouse at the entrance of the neighbourhood where i live. there was a car in front of me, so the guard pressed the button to make the automated palang thing lift up. as the car drove through, i also followed la, and gave a vague glance at the security guard and lifted my hand up. when i did, i saw him wave back at me, returning my gesture. immediately after that, as i looked back in front, i saw the palang drop back down and ker-plunked neatly on my hood.
'Aah!', i yelped, and whipped my head back at the guard. i must have looked at him with some fury, because he stumbled around for a few moments before pressing the button to lift the stupid palang up again. i gave him another haughty look, and went off. and as i reached home and was parking my car, barulah sedar that perhaps he wasn't exactly returning my gesture when he angkat tangan, he was more likely siganlling at me to stop. patutla cam enthusiastic sangat wave die. oh well. in all fairness, selalunye when there's a couple cars at once coming in or going out, the other guards know how to keep the palang up instead of having to let come down, then press the button to make it go up again for the next car. but no worries, no damage done anyway, the palang has a rubber strip at the base that absorbed the impact, so it didn't dent the hood.
I like to hum Tchaikovsky's 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy' everytime i see theo the bunny prancing about. just like in the trailer for The Simpsons Movie.
You know, i've been tentatively listening to club music. techno, trance, electronic. just wanted to try it out and see how far my music tastes expand. of course, i don't know nuts and can't really tell one from the other. and i don't know any musicians related to the genre except the really famous ones, so i've just been checking out a few songs by tiesto and benny benassi. To be honest, i can't really see the difference between a good dj and a mediocre one, but for some reason, i'm growing quite fond of trance music. at least, some of the trance songs i've heard so far. somehow the repetitive beat, in all oddity, is quite calming.
My favourite threat to say to someone is 'I smack you then you know'. just the right amount of humor and violence put together.
Right now it's night time and it's raining. perfect. i'm going to while the night away by listening to Badly Drawn Boy and Kings of Convenience and doing some econs questions.
update: i didn't post this yesterday, so now it's afternoon and cloudy. not listening to anything, and still doing econs questions. go figure.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
whipped into a frenzy
stop. pause. suspend. berhenti. red light. freeze. take five. whoah there, horsie.
third semester is just crazy, man.
not to say that the atmosphere is crazy, like we're all scurrying around frantically with disheveled hair, careening from class to class. because we're not. we're learning a lesser amount of subjects as compared to last semester, so my timetable this time around is in a way freer. but still.
Work is steadily piling on like nobody's business, and while it's not as if i didn't have a lot of work last time, i feel like i'm becoming a zombie. a 'belajar-makan-homework-tido-belajar' zombie. there's just no time to do anything else! well, yes, i can choose to do other things, like how i spent my evening yesterday finishing up my inaugural Artemis Fowl book kindly lent by Shao, but at the expense of slacking off my homework and resulting in a backlog of things to do the next day. in other words, i can try and stare homework down and watch as it backs away, snarling. but the minute i turn around it'll lunge and eat my head. bad analogy? ooff.
better write a checklist, just in case i forget. a weekend is approaching, and that's dangerous business. i can be easily lulled into complacency:
1.study intergration and differential equation and algebra for maths test.
2.tweak up econs presentation.
3.finish up vector homework.
4.find last semester's accounting homework. marginal costing, i think.
5.i know without doubt we'll be given econs homework tomorrow, so do that too.
My AS results are coming out on August 9th, gah. i don't see the point of prematurely worrying about it, but all of a sudden a lot is riding on these results. i can't apply for good unis if i get mediocre results, yes? (i can hear 'duh!' in the background).that reminds me, must finalise uni options soon and write personal statement draft.
the talk about oxbridge applications given by a rep from MABECS very much spooked me. candidates have to have a PASSION for the degree subject matter they're applying for. PASSION ah? candidates trying for economics should be well read on current economic issues, with The Economist and the business section of newspapers encouraged daily reads. business section? interviews are technical with in-depth questioning on subject matter, and interviewers may take you further and further in to see how well you think on your own feet. technical?think on your own feet?
too bad we have to be sincere and truthful when writing our pesonal statement. i would have added 'did a stint with Mercy Malaysia and Unicef after SPM' as well as 'speaks malay, english, french and conversational tagalog.'
there's this one scene in Grey's, second season i think, the part where Christina lost her pregnancy. there's this scene where she's still supposed to be off-duty, confined to bedrest, but she's all antsy and tries to sneak in some patients. throughout her whole ordeal with losing the baby she didn't shed a tear and kept insisting she was fine, but then at one point, after confirming she was right about something, she just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying, wanting to stop but sobs still came out.
that sounds very appealing. crying undeliberately and without control. not that there's a specific reason at the moment for wanting to do that ke ape, but i think we're all entitled to a little breakdown once in a while.
it's my party and i'll cry if i want to,
cry if want to, cry if i want to,
you would cry too if it happened to you!
third semester is just crazy, man.
not to say that the atmosphere is crazy, like we're all scurrying around frantically with disheveled hair, careening from class to class. because we're not. we're learning a lesser amount of subjects as compared to last semester, so my timetable this time around is in a way freer. but still.
Work is steadily piling on like nobody's business, and while it's not as if i didn't have a lot of work last time, i feel like i'm becoming a zombie. a 'belajar-makan-homework-tido-belajar' zombie. there's just no time to do anything else! well, yes, i can choose to do other things, like how i spent my evening yesterday finishing up my inaugural Artemis Fowl book kindly lent by Shao, but at the expense of slacking off my homework and resulting in a backlog of things to do the next day. in other words, i can try and stare homework down and watch as it backs away, snarling. but the minute i turn around it'll lunge and eat my head. bad analogy? ooff.
better write a checklist, just in case i forget. a weekend is approaching, and that's dangerous business. i can be easily lulled into complacency:
1.study intergration and differential equation and algebra for maths test.
2.tweak up econs presentation.
3.finish up vector homework.
4.find last semester's accounting homework. marginal costing, i think.
5.i know without doubt we'll be given econs homework tomorrow, so do that too.
My AS results are coming out on August 9th, gah. i don't see the point of prematurely worrying about it, but all of a sudden a lot is riding on these results. i can't apply for good unis if i get mediocre results, yes? (i can hear 'duh!' in the background).that reminds me, must finalise uni options soon and write personal statement draft.
the talk about oxbridge applications given by a rep from MABECS very much spooked me. candidates have to have a PASSION for the degree subject matter they're applying for. PASSION ah? candidates trying for economics should be well read on current economic issues, with The Economist and the business section of newspapers encouraged daily reads. business section? interviews are technical with in-depth questioning on subject matter, and interviewers may take you further and further in to see how well you think on your own feet. technical?think on your own feet?
too bad we have to be sincere and truthful when writing our pesonal statement. i would have added 'did a stint with Mercy Malaysia and Unicef after SPM' as well as 'speaks malay, english, french and conversational tagalog.'
there's this one scene in Grey's, second season i think, the part where Christina lost her pregnancy. there's this scene where she's still supposed to be off-duty, confined to bedrest, but she's all antsy and tries to sneak in some patients. throughout her whole ordeal with losing the baby she didn't shed a tear and kept insisting she was fine, but then at one point, after confirming she was right about something, she just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying, wanting to stop but sobs still came out.
that sounds very appealing. crying undeliberately and without control. not that there's a specific reason at the moment for wanting to do that ke ape, but i think we're all entitled to a little breakdown once in a while.
it's my party and i'll cry if i want to,
cry if want to, cry if i want to,
you would cry too if it happened to you!
Thursday, July 05, 2007
acronym!not aneurism, which, btw, is spelled aneurysm. my bad.
Anxiety attack.
i just checked out the requirements and the process of applying for Cambridge. i feel faint.
As recent as 3 months ago, the prospect of having to choose and apply for universities seemed like something 'lambat lagi baru kene buat'. but now i'm almost at that junction, and it's quite overwhelming. All of a sudden we're talking about UCAS forms and personal statements and choosing the right unis.
ok, starting from here on down, in all honesty, it's going to be a boring post. so feel free to skip.
first things first, i must address the issue of self-doubt that is halting my uni-picking process. self-doubt really is a pain in the ass. the niggling voice in your head that screams 'what on earth makes you think you have what it takes to even apply for these places? you're not that smart, and you don't have any oustanding qualifications. 17000 people applied to that uni last year and only 2000 were actually accepted. what makes you think you're special enough to be one of the chosen ones?'.
yeah. sometimes i look at the odds and think 'who am i KIDDING?'. i check out cambridge's website, read about the interview candidates have to go through, and think 'i'm not a person who is cut out for this. i'm not good enough. i'm just not'.
i'm tired of not being good enough. sometimes it's tear-inducing to think of the number of ways i fail to be an outstanding, and i'm just sick of doubting my capabilities, thinking that if so and so doesn't think he/she can do it, what in God's name makes me think i can? i'm tired of feeling inferior to others, fullstop. i've spent most of semashur feeling that way(and whine,whine, whine, etc. you know the drill.).
but i can't be scared. not this time. kakak said i'm destined for great things, and she may just be saying that for reassurement, because that's what big sisters are for, but still. i can try. i can step up to the plate and bloody well try for great things. Atiqah m*khtar, you have to give it a shot. don't chicken out this time. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!.sure, the possibility of rejection is always there, it's breathing down your neck, and you know firsthand how crushing it can be, but regardless of that, you HAVE TO TRY. dengar tak?!it's time to stand up and kick low self-esteem in the balls. Ya Allah, please give me strength.
my original plan was to do a degree in accounting, or accounting and finance. since progressing through alevels, i've been thinking about economics. but at the end of the day, i think i'm sticking with accounting. I'll do my degree, than apply to do my chartered(hopefully with ICAEW) and become an ACA. i WILL be a kick-ass accountant, even if i die trying.
when i first started alevels, my long-term target was LSE. LSE and nothing else, it just HAD to be London School of Economics. i know, very extreme, that. But now i've realized it doesn't have to be LSE. it doesn't even have to be UK.
I'll have a choice of applying to 5 different unis. Cambridge? Economics? i'm going to give it a go. Sure, the interview part sounds daunting, and i may end up making a fool out of myself, but i'm taking a leap. plus, i just got an impromptu mini pep-talk from my collegmate Al Marzuki, so some degree of boldness and believe-in-myself-vibes have been re-instilled. LSE. i still put it as my ideal uni. my choices for the others aren't confirmed yet, i'm tentatively looking at Edinburgh, Warwick, Bristol, Lancaster, Birmingham. More research needed, plus consultation with the parents.
It doesn't have to be UK. my parents are very keen on the States as well. I'll have to take my SATs, but there's plenty of time to do that. Penn? or UC Berkeley, maybe? Columbia. or Northwestern. I'm aiming for the good ones, because there is really no point of getting on a plane for 20 hours straight to the other side of the world to attend a mediocre university.
And what about Australia? Much closer, and much more affordable. well, theoretically, i'm banking and praying on getting a scholarship either way, but still. cost of living is much more manageable. The majority of the Group of Eight have good accounting programs. Plus, intakes are way earlier than UK, wouldn't have to worry about wasting time. i was thinking maybe ANU, Unimelb, or perhaps Sydney? UNSW?*high fives all the malaysian aussie students, in particular her favourite ones, anna and aijud :P* RMIT and ANU's entry requirements are surprisingly lenient, as compared to say, UNSW, but getting ABB insyaAllah would more than suffice.
At the rate this is going, i'm going to be applying to 15 unis. Good God.
You know, i wish sunway had just forced us all to take IELTS. then i wouldn't have to worry about unis with IELTS requirements.
this had got to be a post with the most number of acronyms on this blog.
ok, dah, dah, enough about all that. moving on to normal everday stuff. i'm thinking about going to watch transformers this weekend. wasn't really planning on watching it, i don't particularly have an interest in morphing machines, but everyone else keeps saying it's great and transformerrific, i should go see.
Guilty pop pleasure of the week, Enrique Iglesias's 'Do You know(the ping pong song)'. Ok, for one, i really wish he hadn't add on 'the ping pong song' to the title, makes me think of a disney playtime show. and there's this part in the video, just a quick glimpse, where he taps his heart two times to the beat of the song. kononnye gaya yang cool la kot, but it's just so tak jadi, it makes me giggle. but still, i have to concede that the chorus tune is nice. darn you enrique iglesias, as mushy as your songs may be, they're still so catchy and nice to sing to. remember 'Hero'? and 'Bailamos'? and 'Escape'?. yeah.
i just checked out the requirements and the process of applying for Cambridge. i feel faint.
As recent as 3 months ago, the prospect of having to choose and apply for universities seemed like something 'lambat lagi baru kene buat'. but now i'm almost at that junction, and it's quite overwhelming. All of a sudden we're talking about UCAS forms and personal statements and choosing the right unis.
ok, starting from here on down, in all honesty, it's going to be a boring post. so feel free to skip.
first things first, i must address the issue of self-doubt that is halting my uni-picking process. self-doubt really is a pain in the ass. the niggling voice in your head that screams 'what on earth makes you think you have what it takes to even apply for these places? you're not that smart, and you don't have any oustanding qualifications. 17000 people applied to that uni last year and only 2000 were actually accepted. what makes you think you're special enough to be one of the chosen ones?'.
yeah. sometimes i look at the odds and think 'who am i KIDDING?'. i check out cambridge's website, read about the interview candidates have to go through, and think 'i'm not a person who is cut out for this. i'm not good enough. i'm just not'.
i'm tired of not being good enough. sometimes it's tear-inducing to think of the number of ways i fail to be an outstanding, and i'm just sick of doubting my capabilities, thinking that if so and so doesn't think he/she can do it, what in God's name makes me think i can? i'm tired of feeling inferior to others, fullstop. i've spent most of semashur feeling that way(and whine,whine, whine, etc. you know the drill.).
but i can't be scared. not this time. kakak said i'm destined for great things, and she may just be saying that for reassurement, because that's what big sisters are for, but still. i can try. i can step up to the plate and bloody well try for great things. Atiqah m*khtar, you have to give it a shot. don't chicken out this time. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!.sure, the possibility of rejection is always there, it's breathing down your neck, and you know firsthand how crushing it can be, but regardless of that, you HAVE TO TRY. dengar tak?!it's time to stand up and kick low self-esteem in the balls. Ya Allah, please give me strength.
my original plan was to do a degree in accounting, or accounting and finance. since progressing through alevels, i've been thinking about economics. but at the end of the day, i think i'm sticking with accounting. I'll do my degree, than apply to do my chartered(hopefully with ICAEW) and become an ACA. i WILL be a kick-ass accountant, even if i die trying.
when i first started alevels, my long-term target was LSE. LSE and nothing else, it just HAD to be London School of Economics. i know, very extreme, that. But now i've realized it doesn't have to be LSE. it doesn't even have to be UK.
I'll have a choice of applying to 5 different unis. Cambridge? Economics? i'm going to give it a go. Sure, the interview part sounds daunting, and i may end up making a fool out of myself, but i'm taking a leap. plus, i just got an impromptu mini pep-talk from my collegmate Al Marzuki, so some degree of boldness and believe-in-myself-vibes have been re-instilled. LSE. i still put it as my ideal uni. my choices for the others aren't confirmed yet, i'm tentatively looking at Edinburgh, Warwick, Bristol, Lancaster, Birmingham. More research needed, plus consultation with the parents.
It doesn't have to be UK. my parents are very keen on the States as well. I'll have to take my SATs, but there's plenty of time to do that. Penn? or UC Berkeley, maybe? Columbia. or Northwestern. I'm aiming for the good ones, because there is really no point of getting on a plane for 20 hours straight to the other side of the world to attend a mediocre university.
And what about Australia? Much closer, and much more affordable. well, theoretically, i'm banking and praying on getting a scholarship either way, but still. cost of living is much more manageable. The majority of the Group of Eight have good accounting programs. Plus, intakes are way earlier than UK, wouldn't have to worry about wasting time. i was thinking maybe ANU, Unimelb, or perhaps Sydney? UNSW?*high fives all the malaysian aussie students, in particular her favourite ones, anna and aijud :P* RMIT and ANU's entry requirements are surprisingly lenient, as compared to say, UNSW, but getting ABB insyaAllah would more than suffice.
At the rate this is going, i'm going to be applying to 15 unis. Good God.
You know, i wish sunway had just forced us all to take IELTS. then i wouldn't have to worry about unis with IELTS requirements.
this had got to be a post with the most number of acronyms on this blog.
ok, dah, dah, enough about all that. moving on to normal everday stuff. i'm thinking about going to watch transformers this weekend. wasn't really planning on watching it, i don't particularly have an interest in morphing machines, but everyone else keeps saying it's great and transformerrific, i should go see.
Guilty pop pleasure of the week, Enrique Iglesias's 'Do You know(the ping pong song)'. Ok, for one, i really wish he hadn't add on 'the ping pong song' to the title, makes me think of a disney playtime show. and there's this part in the video, just a quick glimpse, where he taps his heart two times to the beat of the song. kononnye gaya yang cool la kot, but it's just so tak jadi, it makes me giggle. but still, i have to concede that the chorus tune is nice. darn you enrique iglesias, as mushy as your songs may be, they're still so catchy and nice to sing to. remember 'Hero'? and 'Bailamos'? and 'Escape'?. yeah.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
primal screaming
it seems like melancholy is making its rounds.
well, at least in the blogs i read. of all the blogs i check on a daily basis, half of them had latest posts that involved moody brooding. which is a coincedence, since i was feeling particularly shitty myself for no apparent reason yesterday.
today i am feeling a lot more cheerful, and i suspect i may be high on the fumes of the aerosol you use to spray your car tyres with to make it look glossy. the scent awfully stings your nose. i sprayed the dashboard and the steering wheel of the car with it too(the instructions on the can said i could!), and the whole car ended up smelling like it(cough cough cough). i tried to counter spray the scent with the cinnamon apple spray i found in the bakul where all the car stuff is kept, but that turned out to be for carpets. so, if you happen to catch a ride in my car anytime soon and feel faint because of a particular chemical-ish smell, put your head between your legs and sniff the carpets. they smell like apple cinnamon.
i've come to a conclusion. feeling down leads to some more feeling down. thing is, whenever i feel down, i bash myself up for it because moreoften than not, i don't exactly have a valid enough reason to feel down in the first place. so i end up feeling guilty for being such a self-centred wreck, a person who can't look at the big picture and just focuses on what's lacking in her life. another thing is, i know perfectly well that we should turn to God, and whatever harship we face in life is just a test. I mean, Allah doens't place burdens on us that are more than what we can cope with, right? but despite that, i keep getting pissed and fed-up with myself and my surroundings, that when i jolt back up and remember God, i get this crushing feeling, thinking maybe i'm not alim enough, maybe that's why i'm like this.
i've had a lot of questions when it comes to religion. i'm sure EVERYONE has. i don't think i've had the outlet to come out and ask frankly about the doubts that i have, even now. you see, all this while i've been so afraid to just ask someone and confess that i wonder about these things, because i used to think i live in a society where people look down on you if you seem to have doubts. i used to, and still do bash myself up for having doubts, pushing it away from my mind, trying to repent and apologizing to God for thinking such things.
well, fuck all that. here's what i think: God gave me a brain. if He didn't want me to think and just accept blindly whatever is thrusted towards me, i wouldn't have one in the first place. yes, i DO wonder whether me not wearing a tudung is truthfully based on the opinion that a hijab does not determine my iman or is it i actually the syeitan's ideas trying to pass itself off as logic. i worry that i'm being hyprocritical sometimes and portraying myself as a more pious person than i actually am. i have wondered how do we know our religion is the right one when everyone else also thinks their religion is right?
and if you're reading this and you're starting to think bad thoughts about me, well i would say something rude to you, because it's people like you who make me feel like i have to shut up about this and make me feel guilty for having even thought of it. it's not wrong, so stop being so freaking judgemental!
****************************************************
several moments and a lunchtime later:
righty-o, now that i've gotten my rant at an imaginary antagonist out of the way (plus, i've just had lunch), i'm feeling a whole lot better. my therapist(if i had one) would be proud of me.
all pent up frustration and primal screaming aside, here's the deal:i have my questions. i think at some point, all of us do. i wish there were people who would read this and identify with what i'm feeling and justify my frustration at not really being able to talk about it. either way, when i'm feeling in over my head, i just ask myself again: Do i belive in Allah? Yes, i do. Do i want to be a better muslim? yes, i do. and, let me just pass on the advice my mom gave me: like it or not, God is always there for you to talk to Him, and you can talk to Him about anything.
i just remember that, and it makes things better.
as a sidenote, if you're wondering why the post started off so cheerful and ended up on a primal screaming note(more like, primal ranting, since you can't actually hear me), i actually started yesterday after i washed my car and was still high on the spray fumes. the post was neglected for a while until i woke up this morning feeling a trite frustrated, i suppose. however, lunch always appeases the stomach as well as the soul and therefore i'm just dandy now. i know, it's scary how female mood-swings can bounce all over the place. don't worry, i'm not like this in person. it's only my blog that's crazy.
well, at least in the blogs i read. of all the blogs i check on a daily basis, half of them had latest posts that involved moody brooding. which is a coincedence, since i was feeling particularly shitty myself for no apparent reason yesterday.
today i am feeling a lot more cheerful, and i suspect i may be high on the fumes of the aerosol you use to spray your car tyres with to make it look glossy. the scent awfully stings your nose. i sprayed the dashboard and the steering wheel of the car with it too(the instructions on the can said i could!), and the whole car ended up smelling like it(cough cough cough). i tried to counter spray the scent with the cinnamon apple spray i found in the bakul where all the car stuff is kept, but that turned out to be for carpets. so, if you happen to catch a ride in my car anytime soon and feel faint because of a particular chemical-ish smell, put your head between your legs and sniff the carpets. they smell like apple cinnamon.
i've come to a conclusion. feeling down leads to some more feeling down. thing is, whenever i feel down, i bash myself up for it because moreoften than not, i don't exactly have a valid enough reason to feel down in the first place. so i end up feeling guilty for being such a self-centred wreck, a person who can't look at the big picture and just focuses on what's lacking in her life. another thing is, i know perfectly well that we should turn to God, and whatever harship we face in life is just a test. I mean, Allah doens't place burdens on us that are more than what we can cope with, right? but despite that, i keep getting pissed and fed-up with myself and my surroundings, that when i jolt back up and remember God, i get this crushing feeling, thinking maybe i'm not alim enough, maybe that's why i'm like this.
i've had a lot of questions when it comes to religion. i'm sure EVERYONE has. i don't think i've had the outlet to come out and ask frankly about the doubts that i have, even now. you see, all this while i've been so afraid to just ask someone and confess that i wonder about these things, because i used to think i live in a society where people look down on you if you seem to have doubts. i used to, and still do bash myself up for having doubts, pushing it away from my mind, trying to repent and apologizing to God for thinking such things.
well, fuck all that. here's what i think: God gave me a brain. if He didn't want me to think and just accept blindly whatever is thrusted towards me, i wouldn't have one in the first place. yes, i DO wonder whether me not wearing a tudung is truthfully based on the opinion that a hijab does not determine my iman or is it i actually the syeitan's ideas trying to pass itself off as logic. i worry that i'm being hyprocritical sometimes and portraying myself as a more pious person than i actually am. i have wondered how do we know our religion is the right one when everyone else also thinks their religion is right?
and if you're reading this and you're starting to think bad thoughts about me, well i would say something rude to you, because it's people like you who make me feel like i have to shut up about this and make me feel guilty for having even thought of it. it's not wrong, so stop being so freaking judgemental!
****************************************************
several moments and a lunchtime later:
righty-o, now that i've gotten my rant at an imaginary antagonist out of the way (plus, i've just had lunch), i'm feeling a whole lot better. my therapist(if i had one) would be proud of me.
all pent up frustration and primal screaming aside, here's the deal:i have my questions. i think at some point, all of us do. i wish there were people who would read this and identify with what i'm feeling and justify my frustration at not really being able to talk about it. either way, when i'm feeling in over my head, i just ask myself again: Do i belive in Allah? Yes, i do. Do i want to be a better muslim? yes, i do. and, let me just pass on the advice my mom gave me: like it or not, God is always there for you to talk to Him, and you can talk to Him about anything.
i just remember that, and it makes things better.
as a sidenote, if you're wondering why the post started off so cheerful and ended up on a primal screaming note(more like, primal ranting, since you can't actually hear me), i actually started yesterday after i washed my car and was still high on the spray fumes. the post was neglected for a while until i woke up this morning feeling a trite frustrated, i suppose. however, lunch always appeases the stomach as well as the soul and therefore i'm just dandy now. i know, it's scary how female mood-swings can bounce all over the place. don't worry, i'm not like this in person. it's only my blog that's crazy.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Delays come in many forms...
And the cutest one is when your pet bunny is under the car and won't come out.
i bought my kain baju raye already! just a friendly reminder that ramadhan will soon be upon us, and the merry aidilfitri that follows. it seems like thai silk and this other sorta see-through type material(chiffon?) is all the rage this year. i followed my mom to jalan TAR on tuesday to go kain hunting. You have your not so expensive kain stalls, with prices ranging between RM20 to a hundred over for four metres of kain, and on the other hand you have the super duper premier kain shops, selling God knows what type of silks at RM200 A METRE. ni kain nak pakai gi mane?pertabalan raja?
you know, concerning the Altantuya case, i'm not really in a place to comment ke ape, but i was just wondering, does Razak Baginda's family believe he's really innocent, or do they accept that he's done wrong but are looking past that and still love him anyway? i mean, their show of support is tremendous, with the whole t-shirt thing, and showing up in court 100%, talking to and hugging him whenever possible. it just makes you wonder, what would you do if your husband supposedly had an affair with someone and later conspired to have her murdered? it's unimaginable.
Did you know that every member of Queen wrote songs for the band?and that they're the only group in which every member composed more than one chart-topping single. that's aweseome.
Cleo(our cat) craves attention(when she's not being a complete tabby and ignoring us the way high and mighty cats do). she'll miaow and miaow and miaow until we lead her to her food and stand next to her while she eats it. and theo?(our rabbit). aisy, i feel so guilty when it comes to theo. mase mule2 dapat die i was so semangat clean out the cage every evening, get his food ready, chop up carrots or find some kangkung for him to nibble on, and usher him into the cage bile dah petang. but when exam season came along i was knackered by the time i got home that i didn't do all that, i left it to kak nikki, our maid. so now she takes cares of him and calls him Molly no matter how many times we tell her he's a boy, and we named him Theo. so whenever i see theo and pet him i feel guilty. i bet this is how a working parent feels like when they have to go to work and leave the upbringing of the child to the maid. kesian die. tak pasal2 he's perceived as the opposite sex. no matter. he seems happy enough.
i hate it when people take phrases like 'i miss you' for granted. they just toss about those words, even though you know that they have most likely NOT been missing you nor really thinking about you anyway. i know i shouldn't be a big grouch over this and just appreciate the sentiment of the words, but what's pretty words when it's insincere? don't say you miss me if you don't.
i went on the G-Force again. the guy at the kiosk suggested i may be addicted to it, which could be true, i guess. adrenaline rush.
my prayers to have daim cake were answered, shared a slice with mom today. ikea is really nice and all, but it's so commercial. you have to think twice before buying the blue mugs or the wooden frames from there because everyone already has them. but still. i have to concede that their showrooms make a nice grownup play area.
i'm going to have to start pulling myself together for the new semester. Ya Allah, please give me strength.
she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly,
Off the coast and i'm heading nowhere,
she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly.
Monday, June 25, 2007
i'm wearing a headband. one step at a time towards a beanie
dvd box sets. they're a pain, i tell you.
I went to Summit the other day for dinner, and my dad so kindly consented to my request to buy Grey's Anatomy Season 3 dvds. Aijud, now i can be up to speed with you,heh. i can cam the quotes you took from it! Because of the dvds and my obsession with Meredith Grey and the gang, i've been up two nights without sleeping. stupid dvds. addictive stuff.
today is an ugly day, because of the dvds. lack of sleep has me looking like a creature suffering from a hangover from hell(theoretically speaking, mind you). You know how there are some days where no matter how you comb your hair, or try to make yourself look presentable, you just end up looking like crap?yeah. it's an ugly day.
this is going to be long.
yesterday me and my cousin went to watch cheer 2007!i've always wanted to go see it. blame it on 'Bring it on'. so, i finally got the chance to see malaysian cheerleaders. that's one wish down. another similar wish is to go see the lion dance championships at Genting. but i'll save that for another time.
cheer was interesting. i'd definitely go again next year. the energy is amazing! as in, a huge crowd of girls and some guys screaming like crazy. the cheerleaders themselves was one thing, but their supporters were another. wild.
plus, after the thing was over, when me and Syefik were walking back to the car, we bought roti ais krim. 4 scoops of ice-cream in a hotdog bun, eaten while strolling through Bukit Jalil stadium. that in itself was enjoyable.
i had a very weird dream. i dreamnt i was pergnant. and while that may be inappropriate to blurt out to the world, here's the thing. i didn't get pregnant in a normal way, it was in vitro fertilization. funny, that.
Semashur moment. when i was school, i learnt that it's not fundamental to have a pot and a stove to make maggi. hot water, leave the maggi to stew a couple of minutes in a tupperware with the lid on, and voila. ever since i've finished school i've still been cooking my maggi that way. ntah, malas nak keluarkan a pot and wait until the water boils. but now i've re-learnt my lesson. no maggi can ever beat maggi cooked in a pot, with an egg cracked in, hands down.
i once heard rumors that the boys went and cooked lots and lotsa maggi in a baldi once, then ate it. is this for real? if it is, that's GROSS.
here's something i can hum 'it's a small world after all' to. the other day, i checked aijud's blog for any updates, then i clicked on the links on his blog(blog-surfing, my favourite mindless activity). which subsequently lead to clicking on the link of that person's blog, and bla bla, you get the picture. anyway, i came across the blog of this guy, and i was reading his latest post, when i saw my dad's name. i read the post again, it turns out he had bought my dad's old iMac from low yatt. i was extremely tickled, more so because he was more or less gently reprimanding Mr.Mokhtar Daud for not taking better care of the iMac, hee. Mr.Amerhadiazmi, if you ever see this, thanx for an interesting read. you don't have to refer to the iMac as Mr.Mokhtar Daud's iMac anymore, because it's yours :) and just for the record, my dad is neither the filmmaker or photographer. he's the dude from ExxonMobil, public affairs manager. go figure.
i really hope mom decides to buy goreng pisang for tea today. PLEASE.
i like doing personality tests. i think everyone does, actually. we all just love to read about and analyse ourselves. my favourite test so far is this one, the reason being that it's short, (just choose a picture) and is surprisingly quite accurate. not bad.
You know, if i had to be completely honest, i'd say i still feel disappointed
whenever i see any of my friends fly off to study elsewhere, or hear them talking about their plans of flying off elsewhere. i still feel angry when i have to explain to someone that i didn't get a scholarship and watch as they try to find a face to cover the awkward moment. when that happens, i get a little frantic inside and want to explain to them in a rush 'look, it's not that i didn't get it because i'm dumb and didn't get good results ke ape, it was just my rezeki'. but i don't say it, and just carry on and tell them what i'm studying and where. yeah, well. still got kinks to work out in this whole acceptance(otherwise known as ungratefulness) business. i'm getting there.
i want to go to tioman and go snorkeling. gemia island will do too. i want to hug koala bears. i want to browse through the record store. i want to go to ikea and eat the daim cake at their foodcourt. the soundtrack for Elizabethtown(the original scores by Nancy Wilson, not the songs by various artistes) is beautiful.
my cousin Syefik got a perfect 4.0 GPA for his exam. i'm so freaking proud of him, it's scary. feeling sort of maternal. however, i am also freaking jealous, it's scary too. feeling sort of homicidal.
3 movies, 3 favourite soundtrack scores.
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-Theme by Jon Brion
2. Elizabethtown-60B(theme) by Nancy Wilson
3. Little Miss Sunshine-The Winner is by Mychael Danna and DeVotchka
we also got the second season for My Name is Earl. cam tak tido je minggu ni.
I went to Summit the other day for dinner, and my dad so kindly consented to my request to buy Grey's Anatomy Season 3 dvds. Aijud, now i can be up to speed with you,heh. i can cam the quotes you took from it! Because of the dvds and my obsession with Meredith Grey and the gang, i've been up two nights without sleeping. stupid dvds. addictive stuff.
today is an ugly day, because of the dvds. lack of sleep has me looking like a creature suffering from a hangover from hell(theoretically speaking, mind you). You know how there are some days where no matter how you comb your hair, or try to make yourself look presentable, you just end up looking like crap?yeah. it's an ugly day.
this is going to be long.
yesterday me and my cousin went to watch cheer 2007!i've always wanted to go see it. blame it on 'Bring it on'. so, i finally got the chance to see malaysian cheerleaders. that's one wish down. another similar wish is to go see the lion dance championships at Genting. but i'll save that for another time.
cheer was interesting. i'd definitely go again next year. the energy is amazing! as in, a huge crowd of girls and some guys screaming like crazy. the cheerleaders themselves was one thing, but their supporters were another. wild.
plus, after the thing was over, when me and Syefik were walking back to the car, we bought roti ais krim. 4 scoops of ice-cream in a hotdog bun, eaten while strolling through Bukit Jalil stadium. that in itself was enjoyable.
i had a very weird dream. i dreamnt i was pergnant. and while that may be inappropriate to blurt out to the world, here's the thing. i didn't get pregnant in a normal way, it was in vitro fertilization. funny, that.
Semashur moment. when i was school, i learnt that it's not fundamental to have a pot and a stove to make maggi. hot water, leave the maggi to stew a couple of minutes in a tupperware with the lid on, and voila. ever since i've finished school i've still been cooking my maggi that way. ntah, malas nak keluarkan a pot and wait until the water boils. but now i've re-learnt my lesson. no maggi can ever beat maggi cooked in a pot, with an egg cracked in, hands down.
i once heard rumors that the boys went and cooked lots and lotsa maggi in a baldi once, then ate it. is this for real? if it is, that's GROSS.
here's something i can hum 'it's a small world after all' to. the other day, i checked aijud's blog for any updates, then i clicked on the links on his blog(blog-surfing, my favourite mindless activity). which subsequently lead to clicking on the link of that person's blog, and bla bla, you get the picture. anyway, i came across the blog of this guy, and i was reading his latest post, when i saw my dad's name. i read the post again, it turns out he had bought my dad's old iMac from low yatt. i was extremely tickled, more so because he was more or less gently reprimanding Mr.Mokhtar Daud for not taking better care of the iMac, hee. Mr.Amerhadiazmi, if you ever see this, thanx for an interesting read. you don't have to refer to the iMac as Mr.Mokhtar Daud's iMac anymore, because it's yours :) and just for the record, my dad is neither the filmmaker or photographer. he's the dude from ExxonMobil, public affairs manager. go figure.
i really hope mom decides to buy goreng pisang for tea today. PLEASE.
i like doing personality tests. i think everyone does, actually. we all just love to read about and analyse ourselves. my favourite test so far is this one, the reason being that it's short, (just choose a picture) and is surprisingly quite accurate. not bad.
You know, if i had to be completely honest, i'd say i still feel disappointed
whenever i see any of my friends fly off to study elsewhere, or hear them talking about their plans of flying off elsewhere. i still feel angry when i have to explain to someone that i didn't get a scholarship and watch as they try to find a face to cover the awkward moment. when that happens, i get a little frantic inside and want to explain to them in a rush 'look, it's not that i didn't get it because i'm dumb and didn't get good results ke ape, it was just my rezeki'. but i don't say it, and just carry on and tell them what i'm studying and where. yeah, well. still got kinks to work out in this whole acceptance(otherwise known as ungratefulness) business. i'm getting there.
i want to go to tioman and go snorkeling. gemia island will do too. i want to hug koala bears. i want to browse through the record store. i want to go to ikea and eat the daim cake at their foodcourt. the soundtrack for Elizabethtown(the original scores by Nancy Wilson, not the songs by various artistes) is beautiful.
my cousin Syefik got a perfect 4.0 GPA for his exam. i'm so freaking proud of him, it's scary. feeling sort of maternal. however, i am also freaking jealous, it's scary too. feeling sort of homicidal.
3 movies, 3 favourite soundtrack scores.
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-Theme by Jon Brion
2. Elizabethtown-60B(theme) by Nancy Wilson
3. Little Miss Sunshine-The Winner is by Mychael Danna and DeVotchka
we also got the second season for My Name is Earl. cam tak tido je minggu ni.
Friday, June 22, 2007
wistful
ever since i got back from having tea with mom and jijim at an oldtown kopitiam outlet tadi, i've been feeling ridiculously cheerful. Giddy, in fact. must be the side-effect of their ice-blended white coffee. caffeine buzz.
i think it's official. I've joined the ranks of the Arctic Monkeys' legion of fans. You know, to be honest, when they first came out and there was all that hoo-haa about them and their album, i didn't really get it. I listened to 'I bet that You Look Good on the Dancefloor', and it was alright, but i didn't think it was THAT fantastic.
I repent!i repent! This album, 'Favourite Worst Nightmare', is just fantastic. Yes, i was miffed that they didn't provide the lyrics and instead had an album cover made up of pages of 'art'(more like blank coloured pictures), but the cd itself makes up for it. i can't stop playing it. In fact, i'm starting to think i should get the first album too.
i can't though. i'm broke. well, not completely flat-out broke, but i've been to the ATM so many times this month, i'm feeling way over my head. half the papers in my wallet are receipts, rather than proper money notes.
chop, going off on a tangent there. where was i? the album. Once again, i can't measure them in technical terms, since i'm not a musician myself. I once read a comment where some guy criticised them, saying they were amateurs and didn't have any real skills, which may be true, i don't know, they didn't exactly have any jaw-dropping guitar solos throughout any of the songs, but still. The riffs!the beats! the lyrics!ntah, for some reason i just dig all of it. and yes, i guess i can understand why some people may complain that their songs may sound repetitive in terms of style, but for me it didn't seem boring or worn out. while the style IS generally the same, the songs (for me) was distinctly different enough from one another for each to have its own uniqueness.
Out of 12 songs in the album, 7 are absolute favourites, listen-on-repeat songs. the other 5 are also good, the kind you grow to like the more you hear them, that in the end you just have the whole album on repeat. I highly recommend anyone who trusts my taste in music to listen to the album. And, i underestimated Alex Turner's vocals all this while. Especially on the song '505', his voice just really caught hold of my attention, bile dengar lagu to baru i became aware of his range and the unique quality of his voice. yeah, well. this is just my opinion.
At least try looking up these songs,ok? ntah knape aku nak promote sangat lagu dieorang ni pon tak tahu, but i guess i just want to share what i think is a good thing. 'Teddy Picker', 'D is for Dangerous', 'Only ones Who Know', '505', 'This House is A Circus'. Another thing i noticed about the album is that in most of the songs, Alex Turner's voice is altered to sound like it's sung through a speakerphone. Karen O's voice from the yeah yeah yeahs was altered the same way on their album 'Fever to Tell'. While it distracted and irritated me to some extent on 'Fever to tell', it didn't bother me at all on 'Favourite Worst Nightmare'. Another reason why i like this cd so much.
must. stop. gushing.
hey, i know this is irrelevant, but i finally decided to organize my songs and make playlists. i used to be of the sumbat-je-semue-lagu-and-listen-on-shuffle species. but that didn't work out, because moreoften than not, i'd want to hear a certain genre or tone of songs, depending on my mood, and i didn't have psychic powers to control the order of songs the shuffle control belted out. but now, my problems are solved! i have my 'giddy' playlist, my 'wistful' playlist, my 'feeling down' playlist, and a few others. this may sound insignificant, but it does give a sense of accomplishment. it's the small pleasures that count, yeah?
i thought this was interesting. Don't know if you've heard about it(i didn't before this), but i read in the papers today about Paul Potts, who apprently won the hearts of the British public. He's your average mobile phone salesman, who tried out for Britain's Got Talent, a brainchild of Simon Cowell's. Anyways, watch the video, which shows his tryout for the competition. He went on to win. your basic fairy-tale story of success, quite touching, as far as reality talent shows go.
i wish i could try wearing a beanie. but there really is no point. nak pakai gi mane? genting highlands?
i think it's official. I've joined the ranks of the Arctic Monkeys' legion of fans. You know, to be honest, when they first came out and there was all that hoo-haa about them and their album, i didn't really get it. I listened to 'I bet that You Look Good on the Dancefloor', and it was alright, but i didn't think it was THAT fantastic. I repent!i repent! This album, 'Favourite Worst Nightmare', is just fantastic. Yes, i was miffed that they didn't provide the lyrics and instead had an album cover made up of pages of 'art'(more like blank coloured pictures), but the cd itself makes up for it. i can't stop playing it. In fact, i'm starting to think i should get the first album too.
i can't though. i'm broke. well, not completely flat-out broke, but i've been to the ATM so many times this month, i'm feeling way over my head. half the papers in my wallet are receipts, rather than proper money notes.
chop, going off on a tangent there. where was i? the album. Once again, i can't measure them in technical terms, since i'm not a musician myself. I once read a comment where some guy criticised them, saying they were amateurs and didn't have any real skills, which may be true, i don't know, they didn't exactly have any jaw-dropping guitar solos throughout any of the songs, but still. The riffs!the beats! the lyrics!ntah, for some reason i just dig all of it. and yes, i guess i can understand why some people may complain that their songs may sound repetitive in terms of style, but for me it didn't seem boring or worn out. while the style IS generally the same, the songs (for me) was distinctly different enough from one another for each to have its own uniqueness.
Out of 12 songs in the album, 7 are absolute favourites, listen-on-repeat songs. the other 5 are also good, the kind you grow to like the more you hear them, that in the end you just have the whole album on repeat. I highly recommend anyone who trusts my taste in music to listen to the album. And, i underestimated Alex Turner's vocals all this while. Especially on the song '505', his voice just really caught hold of my attention, bile dengar lagu to baru i became aware of his range and the unique quality of his voice. yeah, well. this is just my opinion.
At least try looking up these songs,ok? ntah knape aku nak promote sangat lagu dieorang ni pon tak tahu, but i guess i just want to share what i think is a good thing. 'Teddy Picker', 'D is for Dangerous', 'Only ones Who Know', '505', 'This House is A Circus'. Another thing i noticed about the album is that in most of the songs, Alex Turner's voice is altered to sound like it's sung through a speakerphone. Karen O's voice from the yeah yeah yeahs was altered the same way on their album 'Fever to Tell'. While it distracted and irritated me to some extent on 'Fever to tell', it didn't bother me at all on 'Favourite Worst Nightmare'. Another reason why i like this cd so much.
must. stop. gushing.
hey, i know this is irrelevant, but i finally decided to organize my songs and make playlists. i used to be of the sumbat-je-semue-lagu-and-listen-on-shuffle species. but that didn't work out, because moreoften than not, i'd want to hear a certain genre or tone of songs, depending on my mood, and i didn't have psychic powers to control the order of songs the shuffle control belted out. but now, my problems are solved! i have my 'giddy' playlist, my 'wistful' playlist, my 'feeling down' playlist, and a few others. this may sound insignificant, but it does give a sense of accomplishment. it's the small pleasures that count, yeah?
i thought this was interesting. Don't know if you've heard about it(i didn't before this), but i read in the papers today about Paul Potts, who apprently won the hearts of the British public. He's your average mobile phone salesman, who tried out for Britain's Got Talent, a brainchild of Simon Cowell's. Anyways, watch the video, which shows his tryout for the competition. He went on to win. your basic fairy-tale story of success, quite touching, as far as reality talent shows go.
i wish i could try wearing a beanie. but there really is no point. nak pakai gi mane? genting highlands?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
smile and wave,boys,smile and wave.
i'm definitely getting hooked on the artic monkeys. but, if i ever become a singer(which i know i never will,but regardless of that), i'll make sure every cd i release includes lyrics in the cd cover. Because the highlights of getting a new cd include listening to it for the first time in your car on the drive home, listening to it for the 2nd time as you upload it to your itunes, and lying back on your bed before you go to sleep, listening to the album again while scrutinizing the album cover, checking out who wrote what song as well as singing along to the song BASED ON THE LYRICS PROVIDED IN THE COVER. grr.
oh,oh, check this out, i went to sunway lagoon theme park today with some college friends(luisadamamanweileongshaoatrashparthken) and went on the G-Force!(is that the correct name?yeah.whatever). for those who don't know, the G-force is that thing where you sit in this half-sphere contraption, with elastic ropes attached to these two poles, and what they do is launch you up, i mean literally shooting you into the air. sort of like the slingshot/lastik concept. i knew there was one at kl tower, but i had no idea they'd installed it at sunway. it was just an opportunity too good to be missed. haha, yeah man. it's wild. but honestly, it's nowhere near as scary as the solero shot at genting.
shao, we rocked la. we're G-Force veterans :D none of the guys would try it out, which is too bad, but it DOES make us look ten times more macho,haha. thanx for the invite, you snatched me away from the clutches of boredom. and you're right, the artic monkeys cd WAS a good buy.
i realise i am often too harsh when describing SEMASHUR and the years i spent there to other people. everyone's going to start thinking it's hell on earth ke ape, based on my description. so, let's set the record straight.
1.semashur has a pretty campus, surrounded by beautiful scenery, really a perfect tranquil place to provide a conducive environment for studying(this sounds very promo-ad-like, but it's true). plus, semashur provided the environment, the teachers, and the conditions that allowed me to get straight As.
2. while i studied there, during the early years there were a lot of utility problems, like water and electrical problems, which really tainted my perception of the school, but back then the school was still practically brand new, so as the years passed by, the kinks were worked out.
3. while i stand firm by my comments about the mentality and the atmosphere of the school, which i think more or less affected my self-esteem and confidence, that doesn't mean that it was a place that totally brainwashed me and made me into a hooligan ke ape. semashur taught me plenty of stuff, spiritually, socially.
4. sometimes, i wonder maybe if it would have been better studying elsewhere and not devoting 5 years to that school. but then i wouldn't have gone through some amazing experiences, like the debate seasons, and hari sukan frenzies, and meeting great friends and some great teachers.
5. pendek kate, i say a lot of times that i don't like the time i spent at semashur. but usually that perception is tainted by all the bad experiences i've had there, that it blocks out my memories of all the GOOD experiences, and therefore that perception is unfair. i mean, if it was THAT bad, i wouldn't have stuck it out for all those years. right? the good things made me stay on. so...yeah. i may say that i dislike the way semashur has had a negative impact on me, but that doesn't mean there wasn't any good effects. there were plenty, and i highly appreciate them.
this may sound weird, but yesterday i watched 'Never Been Kissed' again on astro, and for some reason Drew Barrymore's character Josie was so irritating that i wanted to slap her. yeah. it's hormones. i don't usually resort to physcial violence, hah. The movie just seemed so awful(much more awful than the last time i watched it). 'Ever After' and '50 First Dates' are better, as far as romantic comedies go.
bungee jumping. now there's a thought.
Monday, June 18, 2007
it's been a while since i've done the list of random stuff.
1. my dad went on a business trip recently, so i had asked him to look out for some cds. out of the 6 i asked for, he only found one. but, fret me not, it was regina spektor's 'begin to hope'. she rocks. i'm happy.
2. whenever i bath my cat, which i do in the bathroom, i end up washing the whole bathroom as well, since cleo will freak out. not hysterically, but she'll miaow super loud, and pace around the whole bathroom while i attempt to follow her around with a gayung full of water, trying to pour it over her. today, as i bathed her, she jumped from the floor onto the sink countertop, knocking over a plant vase in the process.
3. my dream is to have an entire wall full off cds. oklah, too ambitious. a shelf-ful, then.
4. i'd like to think that someone's blog gives a clue to who they are, and how their personality is. but maybe that's just bullshit.
5. we're going to have our very own hyde/central park!(if you don't know what i'm talking about, you didn't read the papers today). i cordially invite you to come have a picnic with me once it's finished. someday.
6. seeing that i have about 2 more weeks left of holiday, i bet myself i'll be blogging practically everyday, because of nothing else to do. i plan to bath theo, our rabbit, and wash my car, but after that there's nothing else to wash. i'll have nothing to do. i'll rot with boredom.
7. this may sound superbly jiwang and uncalled for, but i once had this dream i was floating on a pelampung or something, and there were many other people floating too, but i was starting to float off away from them, further and further. i had my eyes closed. then i started when i heard someone, someone i knew, calling to me rather sharply, telling me not to float too far off. my initial reaction was irriation, annoyed that he was ordering me around. but a split second later i realized he wasn't trying to be bossy ke ape, he was trying to keep me safe, because he loved me. that realization was with such CONVICTION, and it was so vivid, i woke up thinking 'oh. THAT'S what love is about'. yeah,well. jiwang karat moment of the day. don't puke on me.
dah. too much jiwang karat sampai dah lupe other stuff to ramble about.
1. my dad went on a business trip recently, so i had asked him to look out for some cds. out of the 6 i asked for, he only found one. but, fret me not, it was regina spektor's 'begin to hope'. she rocks. i'm happy.
2. whenever i bath my cat, which i do in the bathroom, i end up washing the whole bathroom as well, since cleo will freak out. not hysterically, but she'll miaow super loud, and pace around the whole bathroom while i attempt to follow her around with a gayung full of water, trying to pour it over her. today, as i bathed her, she jumped from the floor onto the sink countertop, knocking over a plant vase in the process.
3. my dream is to have an entire wall full off cds. oklah, too ambitious. a shelf-ful, then.
4. i'd like to think that someone's blog gives a clue to who they are, and how their personality is. but maybe that's just bullshit.
5. we're going to have our very own hyde/central park!(if you don't know what i'm talking about, you didn't read the papers today). i cordially invite you to come have a picnic with me once it's finished. someday.
6. seeing that i have about 2 more weeks left of holiday, i bet myself i'll be blogging practically everyday, because of nothing else to do. i plan to bath theo, our rabbit, and wash my car, but after that there's nothing else to wash. i'll have nothing to do. i'll rot with boredom.
7. this may sound superbly jiwang and uncalled for, but i once had this dream i was floating on a pelampung or something, and there were many other people floating too, but i was starting to float off away from them, further and further. i had my eyes closed. then i started when i heard someone, someone i knew, calling to me rather sharply, telling me not to float too far off. my initial reaction was irriation, annoyed that he was ordering me around. but a split second later i realized he wasn't trying to be bossy ke ape, he was trying to keep me safe, because he loved me. that realization was with such CONVICTION, and it was so vivid, i woke up thinking 'oh. THAT'S what love is about'. yeah,well. jiwang karat moment of the day. don't puke on me.
dah. too much jiwang karat sampai dah lupe other stuff to ramble about.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
no tomorrow
prom. fuh.
i thought it would be too predictable to talk about graduation night, but i might as well jot down some significant stuff about it here as a momento.
Prep for graduation night started off with me feeling happy and touched that my mom doted on me, helping me out. my mom really went all out, taking me on a dress-hunt, trip to the hair-dressers, doing my make-up.
i've never been to a proper social event among peers, (well, the f3 and f5 dinners might count, but efforts and enthusiasm and returns for those were mostly half-hearted), so this was quite an event. i mean, this time a lot of thinking and vain pondering actually went into getting dressed for it. ha-ha. wore a dress for the first time in a looooong time. the thing that really tickled me was the fact that my dress has the type of skirt that twirls around nicely when you spin. couldn't stop twirling around when i tried it on.
ooh, but before that, i went to the hairdressers. thoughts that ran through my mind while sitting in the salon chair:
woh,sedapnye rase the shampoo on the scalp, it's cold.how convenient that they don't need to wet our hair first, just lather on the scalp terus. ow,ow,OW!this lady tak potong kuku ke, SAKITNYE!SHE'S SCARRING MY SCALP!this is just like that part in 'Memoirs of A Geisha', when she goes to the haridressers to get the apprentice hairstyle for the first time. how did she put it? 'it felt like he was using a hoe on my scalp', or something like that. must blog about this. warn people to beware of this shampoo-in-salon-thingie. since when ah hair-stylists decided to massage their clients skali when shampooing their hair?sedapnye massage around the temples. haha,haha, geli,GELI! stop trying to massage me around my shoulders and neck, it bloody tickles!
and yeah, it went like that for a while as she rinsed out my hair, but then got it all settled. for some reason, i don't know if it was the shampoo or the effect of the straightening iron or both, but my hair(even now), smells to me a bit like maple syrup on pancakes.
The night itself kicked off with me coo-ing over everyone else and how fab they looked. seriously, it was like hotness prevailed and everyone just looked hot and dashing and whatever other flattering comments. every few seconds i'd go like 'ah!lawanye!', and 'woh,smart gile wei',and the likes.
there was dancing after the official ceremony was over. dancing. wow. i am not ashamed to admit that i was completely jakun about this because there was no dancing in semashur(God forbid), and i am not a clubber/raver, so it kind of awed me to think that i oould dance in public, and not in my room with the door locked.
so did i dance?hell yeah. after the initial awkward jiggling around trying not to be self-concious, Bo Eui managed to entice my inner wade-robson-wannabe, and we started grooving along.
*disclaimer:if anyone from college who reads this happened to notice me on stage or on the floor prancing about attempting to dance(but probably failing), you now understand why i did it so badly. i'm a dance novice. an ulu yam one at that).
seeing the crowd of a-level people dancing(there was a dj, and the lights were red/yellow/blinking floodlights) gave me a general idea of what it must be like in a club or at a rave. and, trying it out for myself, it's easy to see why people enjoy it. and it's also easy to see how people can just so easily forget about everything else, or lupe diri, or whatever. it's intoxicating, actually. when there's a good beat on, it just brings out this energy and you can't help but sway along and be part of it. and, dancing to a good beat surrounded by your friends is just plain fun.
no, i won't start going on dancing rampages anywhere, so actually having the experience to do it for the first and probably last time was great. great. part of me thinks, 'oh God, i actually bloody DANCED, what's happening to me?', but i now realize that it's just dancing. with friends, and with no intention except to celebrate the finish of AS and the company of a-level people. i had fun. I HAD FUN!it feels so good to say that.
note to self:just forget the flash when taking pictures.
kudos to the freaks and chicks for great band performance. you guys rocked. in fact, practially all performances were satisfactory, for me at least.
one of my favourite pics with my favourite lovely amies:
pendek kate, it was fun. i wouldn't have had it any other way.
i thought it would be too predictable to talk about graduation night, but i might as well jot down some significant stuff about it here as a momento.
Prep for graduation night started off with me feeling happy and touched that my mom doted on me, helping me out. my mom really went all out, taking me on a dress-hunt, trip to the hair-dressers, doing my make-up.
i've never been to a proper social event among peers, (well, the f3 and f5 dinners might count, but efforts and enthusiasm and returns for those were mostly half-hearted), so this was quite an event. i mean, this time a lot of thinking and vain pondering actually went into getting dressed for it. ha-ha. wore a dress for the first time in a looooong time. the thing that really tickled me was the fact that my dress has the type of skirt that twirls around nicely when you spin. couldn't stop twirling around when i tried it on.
ooh, but before that, i went to the hairdressers. thoughts that ran through my mind while sitting in the salon chair:
woh,sedapnye rase the shampoo on the scalp, it's cold.how convenient that they don't need to wet our hair first, just lather on the scalp terus. ow,ow,OW!this lady tak potong kuku ke, SAKITNYE!SHE'S SCARRING MY SCALP!this is just like that part in 'Memoirs of A Geisha', when she goes to the haridressers to get the apprentice hairstyle for the first time. how did she put it? 'it felt like he was using a hoe on my scalp', or something like that. must blog about this. warn people to beware of this shampoo-in-salon-thingie. since when ah hair-stylists decided to massage their clients skali when shampooing their hair?sedapnye massage around the temples. haha,haha, geli,GELI! stop trying to massage me around my shoulders and neck, it bloody tickles!
and yeah, it went like that for a while as she rinsed out my hair, but then got it all settled. for some reason, i don't know if it was the shampoo or the effect of the straightening iron or both, but my hair(even now), smells to me a bit like maple syrup on pancakes.
The night itself kicked off with me coo-ing over everyone else and how fab they looked. seriously, it was like hotness prevailed and everyone just looked hot and dashing and whatever other flattering comments. every few seconds i'd go like 'ah!lawanye!', and 'woh,smart gile wei',and the likes.
there was dancing after the official ceremony was over. dancing. wow. i am not ashamed to admit that i was completely jakun about this because there was no dancing in semashur(God forbid), and i am not a clubber/raver, so it kind of awed me to think that i oould dance in public, and not in my room with the door locked.
so did i dance?hell yeah. after the initial awkward jiggling around trying not to be self-concious, Bo Eui managed to entice my inner wade-robson-wannabe, and we started grooving along.
*disclaimer:if anyone from college who reads this happened to notice me on stage or on the floor prancing about attempting to dance(but probably failing), you now understand why i did it so badly. i'm a dance novice. an ulu yam one at that).
seeing the crowd of a-level people dancing(there was a dj, and the lights were red/yellow/blinking floodlights) gave me a general idea of what it must be like in a club or at a rave. and, trying it out for myself, it's easy to see why people enjoy it. and it's also easy to see how people can just so easily forget about everything else, or lupe diri, or whatever. it's intoxicating, actually. when there's a good beat on, it just brings out this energy and you can't help but sway along and be part of it. and, dancing to a good beat surrounded by your friends is just plain fun.
no, i won't start going on dancing rampages anywhere, so actually having the experience to do it for the first and probably last time was great. great. part of me thinks, 'oh God, i actually bloody DANCED, what's happening to me?', but i now realize that it's just dancing. with friends, and with no intention except to celebrate the finish of AS and the company of a-level people. i had fun. I HAD FUN!it feels so good to say that.
note to self:just forget the flash when taking pictures.
kudos to the freaks and chicks for great band performance. you guys rocked. in fact, practially all performances were satisfactory, for me at least.
one of my favourite pics with my favourite lovely amies:
pendek kate, it was fun. i wouldn't have had it any other way.
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